Prism Progress

A New Rhythm (Courageous Part 3)

2011-10-31T21:13:00.000-07:00

I keep feeling like I am starting over.

Isn't that silly?

As if I have lost ground on this journey to lose weight and become a healthy, fit woman. I guess I might think that if I ate donuts this weekend... oh wait, I did!

But the real deal, actual truth is I am on this journey and I am gaining ground and losing weight. It may not look like what I'd envisioned when I started, but it's okay. I am grateful for the confidence, finally, that I will see it all the way through to the end.

Before I got in the pool today I was wondering if I still remembered how to swim. It's been three weeks since I was able to get to the gym and it felt foreign climbing back into the cold water I spent so many hours in just a few short months ago.

Turns out I did remember how to swim, even though it felt a bit awkward at first. But, I went with the awkward feeling and made myself breathe on my off side. So instead of swimming my regular steady rhythm of breathing to my right, I made myself breathe to the left. It felt strange. I swallowed some water and no doubt drew the attention of the lifeguards a few times.

I asked myself why I was doing this... swimming on the "wrong" side just to make myself uncomfortable. I shot up a prayer in my heart...

I heard the whisper, "You are finding a new rhythm, a way not entirely foreign, but uncomfortable because it's different than what you're used to doing."

Ohhhh, okay.

As I kept swimming I pondered that bit of input. I considered the things I have committed to change lately, in addition to changing my eating habits and getting the exercise I need.

1) I have to stop yelling at my kids. Many times I am not angry, just pushing up my volume to get their attention... seriously, I taught them that is okay. Now it's coming back at me. Disrespect back at my disrespect... yuck. It has to change. Yelling is disrespectful. Period. It has to stop. I will stop. It is a nasty habit that will end. It must.

2) Random clutter must not be a part of our home. I pile stuff up that I am not sure what to do with. I keep stuff I should get rid of. I don't do things right away because I can do them later when something else isn't as pressing... another nasty habit. It will stop. It has to. It is not cultivating the environment I want to raise my family in. I don't want to be constantly looking at more to do. I want to see clear spaces, things put away in their proper place and enjoy the rest of someone who knows there will be stuff to do tomorrow, but for today, things are done.

I have been asking God to give me the courage to change/remove/delete these habits and I started working toward the change I want.

It has been a little uncomfortable and I have made mistakes, lots, but until I heard that voice in my heart today in the pool I didn't have a clue what to do except go with what Nike says and "Just Do It".

Realizing I am developing a new rhythm has helped me come to terms with the discomfort I am experiencing, just like in the pool. I may swallow some water, cough or choke a bit, but in the end, if I keep at it, I will have developed a couple of new habits that are vital to the blessing of my family and be able to breathe on the left side as comfortably as I do on the right.

Like Dori from Finding Nemo says, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

Courageous (Part 2)

2011-10-26T14:46:00.000-07:00

This is under my "Courageous" heading because it feels a little intimidating to put all of this "out there". But, because I am passionate about staying REAL with my plans, dreams and desires, it seems important to post.

This past couple of weeks have been pretty hard with sick kids keeping me from going to the gym and my lack of motivation to eat healthy running over my intention to remain "Courageous" in my pursuit of a healthy, fit and happy me. So I decided to re-evaluate where I want to go in order to get off my cowardly booty and get moving towards goals again.

Here it is:

Weight Loss Vision and Fitness goals

October 26, 2011 – March 6, 2012 (19 weeks)

I will be healthy and strong,
able to maintain a fit and qualitybalanced life in every area.

Spiritually I will be movinghumbly and confidently in the gifts God has given me, deliberately listening toHim every day.

Emotionally, I will walk in theSpirit, aware of the "curve balls" of life and consistently living in the Fruit ofthe Spirit: Galatians 5:22-23 (The Message Version) But what happens when we live God's way? Hebrings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in anorchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. Wedevelop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart,and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We findourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life,able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

Mentally, I will embrace fillingmy head with edifying and interesting information designed to “build” my mentalmuscles. I will read a book a month (balanced between spiritual growth,parenting, leadership development, and entertainment).

Physically, I will be trainingfor the Coeur d’Alene Half Marathon on May 27, 2012, looking forward to 2Sprint triathlons (Hayden and Wunder Woman), considering the Long Bridge swim (still praying about that one) andactively weight training. I will learn how to use the ‘foam roll’ stretching techniqueand enjoying spinning class. I will never take for granted my ability to doanything athletic and be grateful I have a body that I can move!

I have no idea what I will weigh or what size I will wear.

I look forward to living in a body and mind that arehealthy and fit, raising my children to do the same, and working together as afamily to serve the church and community as the Lord leads.

Courageous (part 1)

2011-10-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

I have just returned from a glorious vacation with my Love. Celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary has been a whirlwind of memories and laughter. Collage posters of old pics and new remind me of how I looked back then and now.

The interesting thing: I remember how I felt about myself back then and how I feel now. Separating body image from self-image is something that I highly recommend. I am not exactly sure how or when it happened but one day, only a year or two ago, I looked in the mirror and who I am was different than what my body looked like. I encourage anyone with any "body issues or eating issues" to take a moment to consider that you (who you are on the inside) are not only the sum of how you look in the mirror. I didn't see that back then. All I saw were the flaws in my body when I looked in the mirror. I see that 20-something girl and wish she knew how beautiful she was - inside and out.

I am a part of a weight loss challenge at my local gym right now. We are broken up into teams. My team is called "Courageous". Each of us is significantly overweight and so we have a long way to go. We have different challenges in our lives that tempt us to stray (in actions or attitude) from our desire to become the fit, strong, healthy women God designed us to be. However, each of us take turns reminding each other to be "Courageous".

It takes TIME to work through the "gunk" that got us to where we are right now.
It takes ENERGY to get to the gym to get the exercise we know our bodies need.
It takes STAMINA to keep up the hard work when we get sick, go on vacation, get stressed or tired, and feel like caving in to the moment.

We know this is a journey. One day at a time we have to focus on our goal, encourage each other and keep up a steady pace toward the finish line.

Courage means "the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc. without fear; bravery."

Courageous means possessing or characterized by courage.

The opposite of courage - cowardice.

We want to be courageous as we approach this challenge that many of us have been struggling with for over 20 years.

We are keeping up the good hard work - TOGETHER.

And someday, I will look back on the pictures taken this summer and the ones taken so many summers before and see a courageous woman who took on a big challenge and saw it through all the way to the end.

May you be blessed and I pray, find dear ones to join you on your journey.

Swimmin' A Mile

2011-08-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

This was my biggest physical challenge yet. I have already written about how hard it was training for this.

Last Monday I met Iron Tony at the lake for a final mile before race day. It was good, working hard on technique and not letting a single negative thought in my head. I found that focusing on the many techniques to swim well and this worship song kept me busy enough there was no space for "I can't do this" thinking.

We finished up just short of a mile with a time of 52:00. It was just too dark to swim further. I felt victorious and excited. I KNEW I could have kept swimming if it wasn't too dark, I still had "gas left in my tank!"

The next day I had a particularly discouraging conversation with someone who should have been encouraging. It had to do with my swim and his assessment that I was unprepared to meet the 50 minute cut off time because I didn't train enough. It was devastating. Especially after the hours I DID spend training within what my life allowed.

I reached out for the ones who know me. My Love, my Coach/Friends, and Iron Tony all assured me he was wrong and I would give it my strongest best effort and that was all that mattered. I contacted the race director expressing my concern over the time limit. He remembered me from my previous triathlon and he was sure I would be fine (at the pre-race meeting they announced we would have 70 minutes from our start time to finish the swim - I could DEFINITELY make it in that time).

I took one final swim in the pool on Friday, after staying out for two days because of that unpleasant encounter. The Coach for my "Water For Lunch" class helped me do one final, light workout, gave me some really great input and helped me make a strategy for race day. I walked away from the pool full of confidence, sure I would be able to have my best swim ever.

I cleaned house for the rest of the day Friday, went to our pre-race meeting with my Love who was cycling and our friend who would complete the run, had a yummy dinner of grilled fish, rice, and broccoli then folded laundry til about 9:30 that night. I flipped through my Amplified version of the Bible (because it was beside my bed and felt led to Philippians 4:13, the verse you see around a lot "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." BUT, in the Amplified version, it reads like this: "I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]." I felt this old favorite verse penetrate deep within my soul. I spent a moment thanking God for speaking to me and went to sleep.

I woke up to a beautiful Saturday morning, confident and excited. Leaving Nana at home with our fellas we headed out to pick up our friend. We parked and started walking toward the park. I felt the pre-race electricity in the air. Athletes all converging anticipating optimal performance from all their training.

I squeezed myself into my black and red wetsuit, chuckling as usual. I walked down and got in the lake with many of the athletes. This time I felt like I belonged there. Stepping in, walking deeper, wetsuit filling with the slightly warmer than expected lake water, I began to warm up, one stroke at a time, face in the water, taking breaths trying to keep one goggle in the water and only letting my mouth out for air. Swallowed water, spit it out, tried again. It worked this time, I was able to breathe without looking up to the sky, dropping my feet and slowing my momentum. It felt like home. The smell, the taste, the sounds, the rhythm of my strokes, all familiar.

I swam to the starting area, two other groups began before mine. Watching them swim ahead I tried not to look at how far away the buoys seemed, but focused on the fact I had done this distance 4 times in the lake and at least 6 times in the pool. I was ready. Without a doubt. And what a beautiful sky!

The horn sounded and I let almost all the swimmers go in before me. I hit the start button on my watch timer and got in. I wanted so badly to catch up with the pack, adrenalin kicking in fast and strong. BUT, my strategy held me back. I knew that in order to swim the entire mile at a strong steady pace without having to stop to catch my breath I would have to swim strong and technique focused not "fast".

I worked on keeping my head down, reaching for each stroke with my whole torso, pushing the water the length of my body and keeping my legs straight when I kicked. Each breath, keeping my head low, glancing up only every 20 strokes or so to spot the buoy ahead. I saw dozens of white swim caps like mine far ahead. I decided to focus on only my race, not how far behind I was. Again.

I hummed the same song from Monday in my heart, focusing on my body's ability to move through the water, God's beauty in me and around me knowing I could keep this pace the whole way. I passed a few swimmers joking with the people in kayaks watching out for us. I just kept swimming, no need to waste precious time chatting. I did have to stop unexpectedly when 18"-24" swells made it impossible to swim. A big boat had gone by. I rode the swells like I used to out in the ocean as a body surfing teenager, completely calm and only slightly annoyed they were slowing me down. As soon as they passed I got back to work.

It wasn't until I passed the final buoy that I started to notice myself getting tired. I kept swimming, kicking harder (just like I planned) so I wouldn't leave a bit of gas in my tank. I knew my Love was waiting for me to finish so he could take off on his bike. I didn't want to slow him down one bit.

All of a sudden I hear a voice, see an orange kayak and I have to stop and see what is going on. The man in the kayak says, "turn a bit, I don't want you swimming any farther than you're supposed to!" I made an adjustment in my direction and kept swimming. A few minutes later he was super close again. I stopped and looked up. "I am just keeping you on track! Wow! You're tenacious! Swimming hard for the final stretch! Great job!" He stayed by my side until I was close enough to see the place to exit the beach.

The whole time I was swimming with him by my side I kept thinking of the verse that says, "You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me." (Psalm 139:5 NKJV) or like I looked up later in the Message version, "I look behind me and you're there, then up ahead and you're there, too— your reassuring presence, coming and going." That is how I felt. He was there. Watching me, hand on me, reminding me of His beauty in me, the strength He gave me, the power He gave me.

So I used it. All of it. The beauty, the strength, the power, all for His glory for the best swim of my life so far. I pressed the stop button on my watch and it said 48:41, an extraordinary time for me.

I was greeted at the finish of the swim by Iron Alicia, emotional but still taking my picture as I came out of the water. She cheered hugging me and telling me what a great job I did. I got choked up a bit but had to get up the stairs on tired wobbly legs to hand off the timing chip to my Love who was ready for his bike ride. I stopped to smile for my friend's Love who was taking my picture, their kids telling me "congratulations!"

My Love greeted me, beaming with "THAT WAS AWESOME!" grabbed my chip and took off on his bike. My friend and I talked about what an amazing time I had an how excited I was, how incredible I felt and how great it was to be done!

She and I visited, walking around a bit while we waited for my Love to come back from the grueling bike ride. He did. Finishing in his best time ever too. Our friend took off on her run, strong and fast. As far as I am concerned, she had the hardest part. By the time she started it was hot, most of the pack was ahead of her and part of the road was gravel. She still finished in a great time and we were all thankful for an excellent safe race.

What an amazing day. But yet, there is more to come. To quote Iron Tony, "Jen so proud of what you have overcome and achieved these last two weeks. The way in which you engage each new obstacle should forever be changed. Now, go out there and DO!"

He's right. Each new obstacle will be engaged differently from now on. I KNOW from tangible personal experience in a major life event, "I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]."

Water and Its Effect on Me

2011-08-11T07:28:00.000-07:00

I have so many words "floating" around in my head today, anticipating the race on Saturday. I decided to take a "less is more" approach.

I have always loved the water. Years of visits to the beach, splashing on the shore and body surfing where I grew up in California, hours spent by the lakes, in them or on them (when friends share their boats with us), long soaks in the tub and drinking lots of it culminate into this:

Water

The sight of you blesses me

The refreshment of your presence

The sound of your motion

The power of your mass.

Walking beside you,

Listening to you speak,

Waves crashing,

Brooks bubbling,

Swells lapping the shore.

You pour over me when I am in you

You move me

Your depth is hard for me to consider

I don’t know what lies beneath

But I am drawn to you

Unnerved by your effect on me

I push past my fears

My questions

I press in

Move through

My strength is no match for yours

Except

The One who created you

Made me

Gave me something you will never have

A mind

Set on purpose and destiny

Fixed on a goal

Faith to the finish

You will be what you were created to be

Wet

Cold

Deep

I will be what I was created to be

Strong

Focused

Determined

At the end of this race
You remain the same
But I am forever changed.

Pushing Past Hard

2011-08-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

Many people keep calling me amazing and inspirational. I am not always sure what to do with that.

Sometimes knowing my efforts encourage people nudges me past discomfort to keep going. But this latest swimming challenge is the hardest thing I have ever done.

I have referred to swimming the mile as eating an elephant one bite at a time. Except a lot of the time, I am just not hungry! Or am I?

I want this. Don't get me wrong. I want to complete the mile swim for the Triathlon next week. I really do. I know I can do it. It's the time limit that is messing with my head.

Until now I have not really had a time limit for anything. The sprint triathlons I have finished have provided plenty of time for me to finish. They are designed for people like me to be able to complete them.

But, Olympic distance triathlons are not, I guess.

I knew it would be hard work and I knew it would be a big challenge for me. But, swimming one mile in 50 minutes is really messing with my head.

Part of it is that my Love has been training SO hard for it and my friend has too. I don't want to let them down. If I don't finish within the time allotted we are disqualified as a team. I know they both love me and won't hate me or anything, I just want them to be able to do their portion too. I want us all to complete this event together and enjoy the victory as a team.

Last night, in the water, I was battling my head again. Thoughts crowding in:
You can't do this!
What were you thinking?
WHY are you doing this, you won't make the time anyway?
You'll never be able to do it right.
I'm too tired!
This is too hard!
I don't want to!

THAT slows me down.

I battle my head occasionally when I am training but never like this. I know if I can win the battle in my head, I'd probably cut MINUTES off of my time. When I start to get anxious, I swim harder (not more efficiently) boosting my heart rate to the point where I have to stop and side-stroke to catch my breath. That slows me down. Thinking negatively will ALWAYS reduce efficiency - no matter what I am doing.

So, I am on a quest. I am praying, thinking and considering what I need to do to make this battle in my head stop. To conquer the negativity and focus on the completion of this GREAT but hard challenge.

I will push past hard, because I know I can. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.

Fist Drills, boogers in the water, and why I swim anyway...

2011-08-01T17:40:00.000-07:00

I have so much writing I haven't done that I am starting to feel mentally constipated.

Yes, appealing concept I know. I just wanted you to understand why this sudden surge in my blogging... must write NOW!

Today during swim class (water for lunch at the Kroc - yes, often I swallow enough to get my "fill") I had to do several drills to improve strength in the water. My favorite - 5 / 100m Fist Drills. Yes, it is what it sounds like - make a fist and swim freestyle feeling the water pull against your lower arm.

It was hard at first but then I started to get into it. Punching the water, pulling it hard across my abdomen then coming up for air, repeat. It was so empowering feeling muscles forcing me forward making me focus on my arms and what position they are in for the full range of motion. I was tired by the end but knew I made the most of this exercise which always feels good!

One of my least favorite thing about swimming is what you see in the water. Last night in the lake there were two schools of tiny fish I swam through. It totally creeped me out. All I could think of was one of those suckers getting stuck in my wetsuit and wiggling around in there....ewww! Creeps me out even now. The other thing... swimming in the pool. Boogers. Ick. I know there is enough chemicals to suck the germs out of everything in the water, but seeing the stuff floating by as I swim, uuuuggghhhh. I try not to think about it but seriously, as one who has had snot issues (the grossest of bodily functions as far as I'm concerned - I know, I am weird that way), seeing it in the pool makes me almost gag.

So why in the world do I swim?

Because I love feeling the water flow past me, floating in it, pushing myself through it, wishing I had gills so I could just keep swimming instead of pulling my head up to breathe or sight for markers. There is something powerful and peaceful about the water. When it splashes into my face when I take a breath, it catches me, forcing me to stop, cough it up. But when I get my rhythm, stroke, stroke, breathe, stroke, stroke, breathe, I feel a part of it. Peaceful, my presence merged with the water (until I see a fish or a booger), together in motion, fluid in our connection.

I respect the water. I know how it can affect me, both good and bad. I know I can conquer it with determination, strength and focus. I know it could conquer me if I am slack in my attentiveness to its properties. It challenges me. I love that.

There ya have it, today's off-load of what has been "floating" through my head. :)

One Mile in the Lake

2011-07-31T21:33:00.000-07:00

Today wasn't our usual Sunday. It was modified by our training schedule for the Olympic distance triathlon we are doing as a team with another friend. My Love started the morning by pedaling out of our driveway for a 26mi bike ride just before 7am. It went fairly smooth. It would have been perfect except he missed a turn and ended up having to backtrack up a gigantic hill. He made it home safe and pretty tired.

Then we went to church! After lunch, a short nap for me with my smallest fella and my Love and big guys went for a bike ride.

Now for the big deal... swimming a mile... it was like eating an elephant... one bite at a time... but you're super hungry when your done even though you have a belly full of lake water!

I write this with aches and exhaustion like I haven't felt since I finished my last tri. Even more so, I think.

It was a warm gorgeous day today, the beach had sunbathers, kids playing and parents watching. My friend met me on the beach, she swam a few hundred yards while waiting for me. Iron Alicia works very hard at her personal fitness. Today, she slowed down her super speed swimming to slowly crawl a mile, about a hundred yards at a time, wait for me, check on me, and swim back toward me when she saw me stop. Her consistent encouragement made me believe I was capable of eating this elephant one small bite at a time.

The water was choppy, just shy of white-caps. Every 10th breath I'd take I would end up with a mouth full of wave. Sometimes I'd spit and sputter it out, other times, I'd have to stop, cough and gag a bit. It seemed to take forever to get my breathing to regulate and get my heart rate to something similar to normal.I think I swam over 700yds before that happened.

I wish I could tell you I received some kind of major spiritual revelation. But I didn't.

I wish I could tell you I didn't cry into my goggles. But I did.

I had to work for it. REALLY HARD. Most of you who follow my blog know I am no stranger to hard physical work, but today was different. I couldn't shake the head games "I can't do this", "how am I going to finish a mile within the one hour time limit?" "Ironman? What was I thinking?!" "I want to quit". And the list goes on. I would chatter to myself that I can do this, I can do this, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.... etc. but deep in my heart, I kept doubting myself.

No worship songs could keep me focused, no fixing my head on what I am capable of. I struggled the whole way, complete with poking my head up every few strokes looking up to see how far I had yet to go, saying "Sh%$!" out loud, then tucking my head back in, swimming a few strokes and looking up again.

Inside I chuckled to myself, laughing that if I was expecting something spiritual to pop up in the midst of my swearing, I was likely crazy. But, it has happened. So glad God "gets" me.

I made it. The pressure on my eyeballs from my goggles, cramps in my calves, crying, and all. Iron Alicia greeted me with her cheery smile and a great big hug as I teared up again. Iron Randy met us at the beach to say "You made it! Good job!"

"Now you know you can do it", one of them said. Honestly, I am so blurry about the rest of it because it took all I had just to get my wetsuit off, dry off, get clothes on and get back to the truck.

Where I sat. Called my Love to let him know I did it. He said I was breaking up, I said, no, I am crying again.

By the time I was headed to get my dinner, I was contemplating my ability to complete the mile in the tri. I was reasoning that if I hit it hard in the next two weeks, swimming almost daily, I should be fine. No need to fear eating elephants, swallowing lake water or giant waves.

After all, I've already done it once, right?

Letdown and Tired of Waiting

2011-07-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

I have finished well my second triathlon. I know what comes next. The physical, emotional, mental letdown. I know that to some degree everyone does it. Except maybe those folks who can just bust it out and jump to the next event. But for me, the letdown is big, again.

When I am training I am pushing through my body image issues to get the WORK done. I barely focus on the mirror (except to make sure nothing is hanging/falling out) but fix my gaze on the goal. I see myself in my mind's eye as strong, efficient, powerful.

I want to see the pictures of the event, I really do. But when I look at them I see them two different ways. It's not like I look at them and see it one way and then another, I see both of these things at once. I see the joy on my face and the fat of my butt, I see the strength and cut of my triceps as I hold the handlebars and the cleavage of tons of boob shoved into a cage-like sports bra. I see the belly that held my three miracles and the leftover skin and fat that remains, I see the squishy covering over the hard earned muscles that propel me to the finish line.

I know the heart behind the eyes of the woman I am. I ache for the body I've worked hard for to show instead of the lumps and bumps. I wonder if when people call me an "inspiration" is it because I am pushing past the size of my body to do something big or because, even though they are less than half my size, they would never be seen in public wearing cycling shorts and a sports bra, let alone around a bunch of skinny and super fit people and random strangers looking on, or ?? (you fill in the blank).

My answer to myself, even today, was to write this poem, maintaining my transparency and the truth I choose to walk in.If it means looking like this, I will continue to do what He's asked me to do, solely because He's asked me to do it.

Tired of Waiting

It is so hard.
   I am tired of it being so hard.
     All the time.

Pushing through
   Wanting to cry
     Smiling anyway.

Speaking life
   Learning not to shout
     But needing to get the grumpy out.

Changes longed for
   Motions gone through
     Still waiting.

Tired of waiting for my body to change
   Hard to find the beauty
     Looking, looking.

In Faith, believing
   In Truth, knowing
     In Hope, walking.

Triathlon # 2

2011-07-18T00:09:00.000-07:00

There are many more pictures. I will post them when I get them all from my friends. But for right now, here's the story...

I had such a great day!

The freakouts earlier in the week paid off for a peaceful wake up Saturday morning. I set my alarm for 4:30am and was only tempted to hit snooze for about 10 seconds. I climbed out of bed and wandered around my quiet house.

The sun was beginning it's morning rise and I thanked God for a beautiful day. I hummed a tune in my heart, happy to see how the day would turn out. I showered, got dressed in my cycling shorts, sports bra, and tank top only glancing in the mirror for a second. I did not want to dwell on the lumps and bumps, only a quick flex of my biceps and a giggle.

My Love woke up and started his process for departure. I wanted to chatter my excitement with him but I could see, he would not be amused by my banter. He admitted some nerves and I left him alone.

We headed off to the event in his truck, all parts and pieces accounted for. I reminded my Love, being up this early is like going hot air ballooning (something we used to do all the time together) but a lot more work. He rolled his eyes and said A LOT more work!

As we pulled into the gravel pit to park I looked around at all the fancy bikes owned by the serious triathletes that would cross the finish line LONG before me. I thanked God for them, praying for a great race for all.

My Love efficiently loaded his bag on his back and rode his bike up the road. (We agreed earlier we didn't have to be together every minute. It was our race day as individuals, we are different in our preparation needs.)

Since balance is not my best skill, I determined I'd be safer to lug my wetsuit, push my bike and walk to the beach. It wasn't my favorite part of the day but I did like the smell of the fresh morning air. I would have taken a picture but I had already passed my camera on to Nana so she could use it during the event.

There were many athletes already filling up the transition area. Bikes hanging from their seats suspended from long metal bars. Preparations were made for each transition, swim to bike, bike to run. Iron Tony taught me how to set my area up, my Love followed the example of the guy next to him. He came over and helped me get into my wetsuit after I made a quick trip to the restroom.

It takes two of us to put my wetsuit on. I laugh every time. I can get it up most of the way, but with my generous behind, he pulls it up from the back and everything gets stuffed into the suit. He chuckles too. But we both look forward to the day I can do it by myself and my rear isn't so big.

I wander over to the swimmers volunteering to be "swim buddies" for triathletes who want a little extra coaching during the swim. I though it was a good idea when I was sure I didn't need it. I felt a nudge in the wee hours of the night, I need to have a buddy. My pride and even my training said I could make it just fine. But, standing there on the beach, I knew I needed to ask for help. So I did. Just at the right time.

Let me tell you a little bit about my randomly selected "swim buddy". Amy is a wonderful young woman I met at the Kroc when I had a question about child care. She is the supervisor over all the child-watch personnel. We had a great visit and she was able to help me with my concern. Then, there, on the beach, she is! Ready to be my swim buddy! I was thankful. She swam beside me, coaching me on how to slow my anxious breathing, distracting me from the awkward discomfort of swimming in my wetsuit and counting my strokes with me between buoys. Swimming this way kept me focused, pushed me forward and moved me beyond the race day nerves that were threatening to overtake me. By the time we hit the beach I felt mentally ready and in great shape to strip the wetsuit and hop on my bike.

I was shaky walking to my bike, aware that the water-laden wetsuit really taxed me more than I anticipated. My Love was almost ready to head out on the bike and I was glad to see personally he made it out of the water just fine. Good friends were waiting for me, Iron Tony was stocking my bike with a spare tube and CO2 cartridge in case I needed it, and I felt blessed.

I grabbed a gel, sucked it down with all the grace of a starving horse, removed my bulky rubber suit without falling over, dried my feet, socks and shoes on, sunglasses on, gloves on, helmet on, checked with Iron Tony on what I had and what I needed and began walking my bike toward the line where I could get on. Roughly 50 people were watching. I wondered if I would fall over in front of them. My legs still felt like jello, but I managed to get my feet in the pedal cages and ride out to the course.

As I was riding out, the super fast guys are dropping their bikes off and starting the run. Just like last time, I will do most of the race alone with almost every racer ahead of me. No problem. Then they won't hear me singing!

As I turn the corner onto the street I will ride the majority of the 12 miles on, my legs are weaker than ever. I keep down shifting to make the pedaling easier so I can just keep moving. I cry out to God, questioning what was happening with my body, knowing I have MUCH more ability than what is coming out. "It's not you" I heard in my heart.

Ugh! Then what the HECK is going on??!!! I looked around, desperate to figure it out! The wind was whipping through my helmet but it seemed to be blowing to the east, pushing on my left side. That should not be slowing me down that much. People who have already made it to the turn around are headed my way, some deeply focused on their speed, others looking up and cheering me on. I just felt slow and pathetic.

So, I did what I do. I sang. It sounds silly. It kinda is. I don't care. I don't remember what, some little Sunday school chorus that popped into my head. I told you in my night before blog that I would worship all the way.

Side note: I told my Love and our friend that the most important thing about finishing a triathlon is knowing what you will say to yourself when you want to quit. What I do - I sing. Focusing on the Joy in my heart shifts my gaze from the challenge before me to the greatness of God within me.

I briefly indulged the question about whether I could make it through to the turn around point when my Love, coming right toward me, gave me a big grin, a fist pump and a "whooo hoo"! I grinned and hollered back "great job!" and kept going, still slower than my normal speed, but spinning those pedals around regardless. I kept praying, "where is my high gear Lord, my strength, my power on the pedals, I KNOW I have it!!!" A few minutes later our friend comes toward me, saying "You got this! Its all downhill once you turn around!". I took him at his word and kept going.

More cyclists passed me and after what seemed like forever I made it to the turn around. Now, this is where I fell over into a ditch last time so I was feeling a bit tense about turning, my balance issues giving me pause. Thankfully there was a nice wide turn available and I took it. And WHOOOSH! The wind was at my back!

I started pedaling, shifting up, gear after gear until I was averaging about 18mph. That is my main solid "go time" speed. Once I get to the turn around on any ride I feel a little like a barn-sour horse ready to run back to the stable. I cranked the speed up even faster and buzzed my way back to the transition area waving and whooping it up when I passed Nana and the kids again, and then, more friends cheering and screaming my name! How energizing is that! It was great!

Pushing hard on those pedals to make up for the slow first half of the bike ride.

When I arrived back to the "barn" I had to dismount my bike in front of even MORE people. I felt pretty good. My heart rate was up pretty high so I slowed it down by chattering with my friends while removing helmet, gloves, putting on my running hat, drinking from my bike's water bottle (balance issues prevent me from reaching it while riding) and some kind stranger helped me get my bike back on the rack. I carried my gel with me as I high-fived Iron Tony on my way out to the run.

My legs felt like tree trunks as I jogged past the cheering section. Great friends and strangers propelling me forward with their "Go Girl! You got this! Go Jennifer! You can do it!" I ran on, greeting a gal who was walking/jogging/walking in front of me. I caught up to her and tried to encourage her to match my slow steady pace. She didn't want to. So I ran on.

Around the corner there are my boys, yelling and running right to me, they ran beside me several feet and Nana snapped a few pictures. Again, energized by my precious fellas, I relaxed and got into my groove.

I waved and smiled at people cheering for me as they drove by, goofy grin stuck on my face. Just one foot in front of the other from now on, I knew I was going to make it. I chased a gal for a while, eventually catching up to her. She was 65 and she completed her first triathlon the weekend before! I did pass her and kept my stride solid and strong.

Once I made it up the hill, it seemed to take forever, I saw a volunteer. I said "Holy Bucket's Batman, am I there yet?" He laughed and said, "Almost!" Then, a few minutes later, my new friend and swim buddy Amy walked up to me. She walked beside me while I ran thanking me for her experience with me. I thanked HER profusely and kept going. I turned the corner on the shady lane, I was almost there!

Twenty feet ahead of me there was a young man cheering for me, telling me "You got this" "keep up the great pace!" When I was even with his position he began running beside me. I asked him why he was there and he said he hated to leave anyone running alone at the end. I asked him if he was an Ironman. He said yes. I told him of my plans for Ironman 2016. He was impressed and said I had plenty of time to get ready. His pace was faster than mine, so I matched it. I told him about my Angels in Spandex blog from my last triathlon and he was my "angel in spandex" this time. I thanked him for the extra boost. He stopped at the base of the hill while I ran on. I could hear him cheering loudly as I ran for the finish line.

I picked up my pace, determined, as before to not leave one drop of gas in my tank. I came to expend every bit of training I worked so hard for! I ran faster, cheered on by so many strangers it gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes.

In Lake Stevens last year, strangers cheered me on, but this time, it was my community, supporting me, cheering for me and driving me ahead with their encouragement. It was powerful!

Even more special, my Love, and then our sons, joining me on the last bit of my run, jogging with me all the way to the end. Precious friends, Nana and the kids, all hollering and cheering, blessing me with their presence and their words, I felt empowered as I crossed the line.

I hadn't been across the line for 20 seconds before my boys were asking me questions. "Can I have a drink of your water Mommy?, Can I have a cookie? Why can't I have a cookie? What are we doing now Mommy?" I kept saying the same thing, "ask your Dad!" all the while cracking up, knowing, I am first wife, then mommy, then athlete. It took me about 5 minutes; a whole bottle of water, and a protein bar before I could answer their questions. We took several pictures and I hugged them a lot. They were so excited. I was too.

Someone told me I beat my time from last year. That was super exciting! I got goosebumps again, but they quickly dissipated as little boys needed to go potty, friends were saying good bye and we needed to pack our stuff up and get back to the truck.

I know that ending sounds a little anti-climactic. But, for me it's not. Relationships are the most important thing to me. Cheering on my Love and celebrating with him, his big finish within the time I was sure he'd make, hugging Nana and thanking her for being willing to wrangle our three busy boys so we could do this, thanking dear friends for making our big day important to them too, and most of all, resuming my beloved job as Mommy, by holding my three year old up high enough so he could go pee pee in the potty before we headed back to the car, and the big boys helping Daddy and I push our bikes for the long walk back, chattering about whatever crossed their minds.

What a great day!

One of my favorite pictures. I missed my Love crossing the finish line, but the boys were there to greet him!

Three Amigos!

My Love bought us Subway after the race, then we went to a triathlete and family BBQ in the afternoon, then we had our celebration dinner! Nana brought champagne and I cooked Costco salmon and bell peppers on the grill. It was Yummy!

Ready, Set, GO!

2011-07-15T22:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's the night before my triathlon and I have a full load of kids clothes to fold on my side of the bed.

I have been pondering all day the point of all this and really it's this:

Completing a triathlon is an extension of my fitness. Its a fun workout with a bunch of people. I am not competitive so it's not a big deal how fast I go. I just want to do my best workout thus far.

My right hip is sore tonight and that is making me a little nervous. Saying a prayer about it now.

I watched a memorial procession for a fallen soldier today. It was quite moving. That really matters.

In the grand scheme of things, this event is one more step of my fitness plan. A significant one, since it is longer than the one I did last year. But, a step nonetheless.

My Love and I are at peace with each other. Nana is sleeping on the couch and prepared to get the boys rolling tomorrow on her own to cheer us on to the finish.

I have good friends that will be there to cheer me on, my Love will pass me and I will wave and smile, celebrating all his hard work that got him here too.

It will be a good day. I am so thankful for a body that can move, for the strength of mind and spirit to work super hard and the joy of the Lord in my heart to worship Him from start to finish.

God bless YOU tomorrow, whatever you do with it! :)

Pushing Past Fear

2011-07-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

I swam in the lake tonight with my Love. His Mom and our kids watched from the car.

I felt okay in my new wetsuit. It is a little big on me. But it's much better than what it could be considering it's a men's suit cut down for this short girl.

But here's the deal. I am afraid this time. Last time I did a triathlon I had a book that I worked through. I read it and diligently did every single workout faithfully. When it came time for race day I knew I was physically ready to do the race.

This time my fitness level was already beyond the book so I did different workouts, added some classes, and focused more on my nutrition. I haven't spent as much time swimming, biking or running as I would have liked. I got sick a couple of weeks ago and spent most of it resting instead of getting in several more good workouts. We also went camping, did fun family stuff, and listened to the kids when they said they were sick of going to the Kroc (where I work out).

I was talking to a friend tonight I told her I was struggling with acknowledging that this triathlon isn't going to be much different than last year. I am just going to have to focus on finishing. Why? Because I have a life apart from biking, running, and swimming. My three little boys need their mom. I want to be there for them. When I push hard in my training like I have the last few days, I have SO much less energy to attend to them and I hate it. I have already decided that the majority of tomorrow will be spent snuggling, playing cards, and generally hanging out with them. Same for Friday. I have a bike ride to do tomorrow morning but other than that, and a few more loads of what seems like endless laundry, THEY will be my focus, not this silly race.

They are the reason I do this stuff. It sounds a little wacky, but as a former executive secretary and couch potato I knew I wanted more for my kids and I than a sofa-surfin' life. I want to run with them, kick the soccer ball around and be generally able to race them and at least keep up! Sure, I could have just picked one sport, but really, I get bored with exercise fairly easily. I don't find it terribly fun. With cross-training like this plus strength training I am always doing something different.

I really thought I would weigh less by the time I did another triathlon. I thought I would just be smaller and therefore faster than I was. I am not. Not much has changed. I believe I am stronger and more confident in my bike and swim. My run is just what it is, a slow steady pace for a girl who has half her body weight to lose.

Someone asked me today if I was bothered about it being here locally. I said no, but now that I think about it... nope. "I yam what I yam" to quote Popeye. I have nothing to hide and nothing to bare. I am just me. Working hard for fitness, completing a goal and pushing past comfort zones (mine and the people watching my curvaceous self).

Back to my messed up head...
What the heck is my problem? The negative self talk is pounding at me like a hammer. Like Energizer bunnies the questions and fear bang in my head: Will I be able to do this? My anxiety is literally off the charts (went to bed last night almost shaking), the fear of wiping out due to exhaustion, and the questions in my head about is this all worth it?

These "bunnies" that I would normally shoot down with scriptural bullets are evading destruction. So, on some level I am agreeing or entertaining them still.

BUT

If I take a deep breath, I look at the over 900 minutes I have spent training in just the last 5 weeks (about 15 hours) I am well aware that I can do this race. Would I love to be more fit and more trained sure, but I already gave you the reasons above why I am not.

Bottom line: I have not reached my own expectations of where I thought I would be in fitness or weight/size. I am disappointed and because I didn't do it "by the book" this time, I have no real concrete thing I can point to that says "You're ready!" (insert big fake grin here)

I will push past the fear because I KNOW I CAN.

I need to spend the next couple of days hunkered down in what/who I know God has called me to be as a wife, mom and athlete. Like my friend Iron Tony (Ironman 2010 finisher and my coach on bike and swim) says, "Freak out now! Go on, get it all out! Now....relax. Breathe. Reflect on your training. The race is nothing more than a 2+ hr training day. You've put in the hrs. You're golden!"

He's right.

Now I have to go shoot the "bunnies".

If you want to help me shoot the "bunnies" leave me a note - anonymous or otherwise letting me know if I have encouraged you at all in this crazy journey I am on!

Cough, Cough, Sniff, Sniff...

2011-06-30T15:43:00.000-07:00

As a full-time stay-at-home-mom I find myself a little grumpy when I get sick. This challenge to my attitude comes because I KNOW if I can only get some real rest I can resume my regular duties swiftly.

But that almost never happens, does it?

So, I cook, sneeze, do dishes (feeling my brain smash up against my forehead when I bend over for to fill or empty the silverware and other items on the bottom), fold laundry, cough, sniff, cough, trying to keep the balance between sanity, good nutrition, sniff, and yes, good parenting along with trying to get some good rest. Cough, cough.

I don't know about those of you reading this but having a head cold does not promote good eating as well as good attitudes. I work hard on both when I am not feeling better when I want to.

The last few days have been a real test. This is what I've done:

- Snuggle my kids - invite them to settle in on the couch with me

- Once I am "up" try to accomplish something I value - like give myself a clear surface to look at while I surf the sofa with my 5yr old on my lap.

- Challenge my guys to fun tasks - yesterday I challenged my 7yr old to make as many Star Wars space ships as he could out of his Legos. He made 6! He was so proud! So was I.

- Close my eyes - yes, my sons have finally reached the stage where, IF I am easily available (and front and center in the living room) I can close my eyes for a few minutes and not worry about the house falling down around me. Dozing like this usually invites at least one of them to curl up with me. Something I don't usually make a lot of time for when I am busy.

- Fuel my body for health - When I feel crappy I often eat crappy. I am trying to change that. Recognizing that nutrition remains a MAJOR key to all health and fitness goals. Eating healthy while sick HELPS me get better faster!

- Rest my body - I am 16 days away from my first triathlon for the summer. I am in full training mode and that is the biggest reason for me to struggle with my attitude. I have good momentum built and now STOP!! I'm sick!! Grrr!!! But, this is a reminder that completing a triathlon is NOT more important than my caring for my body, nurturing or nourishing my children with my presence as well as good food, and super important, encouraging my Love as he prepares for his first tri.

- Trust my fitness level. I work really hard, often, on my fitness. If I take a minute to consider the condition of my body, I really KNOW I am strong enough to complete the race ahead. Would I love to be faster, stronger, leaner? - you betcha, but the progress I am making is still progress... and I don't want to make it at the expense of any of the valuable people in my life!!

There ya have it...

I still am not sure how to do it ALL the time. But I am working on it.

Being Who God Made Me to Be - No Matter What

2011-06-15T16:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't really posted much on here consistently and a lot of it has to do with so much happening in my heart and mind. I can't really nail it down and I feel like I am hanging on for the ride.

I have been contemplating my impact on all of you, my readers. I've been asking God to give me what I need to share.

I have been feeling a lot like this lately:

It actually makes me laugh at myself and keeps me headed in the right direction.

Today I hurt myself walking into the gym. Yep. I made it into the front door, checked the kids in, visited with a good friend, then walked into the workout area only to have my annoying slight twinge in my hip escalate into full on muscle spasm.

Sometimes I can work it out with exercise, so I tried the elliptical, that hurt more, so I headed for the pool, noticing there was a water aerobics class starting in a few minutes so I tried that, too much twisting my owie hip, so I got out during class (never really done that before) and went to the hot tub. I can only imagine how great I looked backing the right side of my booty into a jet at just the right angle... ugh. That helped for a bit. Long enough to get dressed and head back to get the kids, limping.

All that to say, our hope is not in what we can "DO" but in who God has made us to BE. Today I have been fighting the "why try" and "who cares" attitudes.

The still small Voice in my heart keeps reminding me that today is obviously a rest day for my body but everything else doesn't have to go down the drain.

Being honest, I did indulge in a few peanut butter filled pretzels and about 30 chocolate chips with a cup of hot tea, but I didn't eat the WHOLE bag of chocolate chips or 17 more pb filled pretzels. I will also count those calories. :)

I have several good friends whose lives are much more challenging than mine right now. Keeping perspective that yes, my life is hard today but other's need me to engage and encourage them more than I need to feel sorry for myself.

I copied this great mini-message from one of my favorite young pastors (Chris Lauri) off of his Facebook Status:

"Faith in Christ is not about becoming an island. Salvation is not a tropical getaway where we can retreat to focus on ourselves. Share the love and the grace you've been blessed with. "A man who isolates himself seeks his own desires." Proverbs 18:1"

My thoughts - even if your life isn't a tropical getaway, sharing the Love and Grace is essential to God's design in you!

So, aching hip, praying for my husband, snuggling with my boys, texting back and forth with a friend who needs encouragement, praying for another's new baby, praying for dear ones who just had to say good-bye to their wife & mom, making wise choices in my eating and my parenting, responding to a mommy who wants to come to MOPS, listening to God's call to pray for businessmen in my community, are all the ways God is using me to BE His Love and Grace today.

What are you "being" (not "doing") to someone today?

Why I MUST complete my weight loss/fitness goals

2011-06-13T15:55:00.000-07:00

“I must complete my weight loss and fitness goals, because if I don’t…” is a prompt on my spark people "motivation" discussion. The team leader posted a quote from a podcast she heard - here is part of it: "Give yourself a minimum of 5 personal and important reasons why you must do this. You need to separate dreams and wants from things that you must do. If you can come up with 10 reasons why you must be successful, you will be twice as likely to be successful."

The idea of separating dreams and wants from the things I must do intrigues me. I don't know if I have ever thought about losing weight that way.

Here is my attempt to do so...

I must complete my weight loss and fitness goals because if I don't I will spend the rest of my life regretting it.

I believe I was designed to be an athlete and then puberty, hormonal shifting and emotional eating took over. I don't think I leaned on food until we moved to Idaho and our super active southern Cali lifestyle came to a snow-covered, ice-laden, freezing-cold halt.

After 3 boys, a miscarriage, several dear friends unexpected departures to Heaven, battling Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.), and having a fairly sedentary lifestyle the pounds just keep adding up.

1) I must lose the weight because I need to LIVE every day to the best of my ability. Being overtired, overwhelmed, overloaded, overeating, prevents me from doing exactly that.

2) I must accomplish my fitness goals because I know I CAN. I have experienced an internal strength and tenacity I didn't know I had since I began working out.

3) I must attain the emotional and mental steadfastness that comes with not being ruled by lack of sleep, an unhealthy diet, and rampant cravings.

4) I must achieve my weight loss and fitness goals because anything less would be settling for second best. I have a good life. I have an awesome hubby, great kids, dear family, precious friends and to allow myself to settle for the "adequate" version of me is selling us all short on what God's design was for me and my life in the beginning.

5) I must make these changes because I really hate being run by anything that doesn't bring about LIFE. Being run by food, lack of fitness, and my emotions all leads to death or at best a complacent mind set. I want to be vibrant, fully loaded with the spectacular strength and tenacity I am capable of in order to be a completely relevant example of living life to the fullest!

That's it for now. But I will contemplate this further... without a doubt.

Me, Ben, Jerry and the Time Traveler’s Wife

2011-06-12T07:27:00.000-07:00

It was our first camp out of the year.

My Love was off with his best buds for their annual camping weekend. He didn’t need to take our camper this year, so the kids and I decided to make use of it.

It was about 9:15pm when my youngest finally crashed into a coma, literally minutes before an amazing hurricane like storm blew through. As I listened to the wind whipping the torrential rain around our camper parked safely in our driveway, it dawned on me I had left several windows in the house open.

Feeling a little like Dorothy rushing home to Auntie Emm, I ran into the flying rain in my pajamas and zipped through the house closing windows as fast as I could, hoping some unexpected crash of thunder didn’t awaken my soundly sleeping bundles of energy.

On my way back to the camper I zipped into the garage to grab the pint of New York Super Fudge Chunk I picked up at the store as my final indulgence before returning to the no flour, no sugar eating plan I will start on Monday.

I was half-way through my frozen decadence before the ridiculous amount of previews was over and the actual movie started. I clicked on the “closed captioning” for the film because this was the first time I figured out that there is something really wrong with the audio on my CD-ROM. I am sure the irritation of the crackling interruption to the sound altered my cinematic experience.

But, I did gain a few bits of insight that I am willing to share:

- 1200 calories goes down very easily when it is creamy, chunky, nutty chocolaty goodness.

- Lousy sound can be overcome by a really great story.

- The Time Traveler’s Wife enlightened me on a few topics; time travel (always wanted to try it but I see now that it would be challenging if it was random and you show up everywhere naked), true love (she chose to love the dream and the reality – even when it was hard), quality time (it can be truly relative when you never know when or how long the Love of your life will be around).

Once it was over, I thanked God again for my Love (and our relatively normal life) and snuggled down in the springs of the mattress and the lumps of the camper pillow. I slept until...

I was awakened at 4:15am by the sounds of our neighbor hitching up his boat to go fishing. I prayed my kids would sleep longer than the summer usual of 5:30, experienced annoying regret over eating the entire pint, and contemplated the value of time in my life.

Expanding on the value of time in my life will have to wait. It is 5:41am and two of my three are conscious and about to wake up my third…

Endurance and My Birthday Present

2011-05-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

I have two things to talk about today.

Last week I asked the Lord why it was SO irritating to me when the boys spilled something. My reaction seemed to be way over the top most of the time. It didn't make sense to me. After all, they are little kids and they do spill. Normal right?

Yes, that is right.

The word He whispered in my heart was endurance. I found this definition online - the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina:

This season of my life is VERY messy. If I'm not cleaning messes, they are or I am trying to get them to pick up their messes, or dealing with the fallout of a mess - like spilling milk all over the table, shoes, jeans, shirt right before we have to leave for school. What frustrates me is the constant perpetual messes and the need for them to be cleaned up.

I am thankful for my little "mess-makers" and I wouldn't trade them for a nice clean house any day, but I do grow weary of it. That is why I liked the definition so much.

When God spoke to me about endurance, my attitude changed. After all, I have endured a lot of things in my life and "messes" are by far the smallest and easiest things to handle well, especially when you consider the high stakes of my child's heart. Since then, my response is not frustration (well, maybe a little bit-sometimes) but patience and tolerance for the learning curve they have.

I forget that they are still learning to pour milk, eat dinner without elbows, plates or siblings crashing cups, and brush their teeth without gunking up the sink with toothpaste. I supervise all of this stuff, but let's face it, I am outnumbered and being everywhere at once is just not possible. Now, I just clean, or help them clean thanking God for the little people He gave me to clean up after.

Speaking of Endurance...

For my birthday, I am going to do a small triathlon at the gym. There will be no timing chip, no transition area, just me, the gym, and 2 hours of child care for my youngest fella.

My plan is to swim 400 yards (1/4mi approx), bike 8mi, and run 3mi. I may have to cut my run a little short just to make sure I get back to pick up my little prince within the allotted time, but I am going to go as far as I can.

Why would I do this? Because I CAN. I am going to celebrate entering into my 40s with the strength and fitness I have been working so hard for in the past 2 - 3 years.

Celebrate with me tomorrow by doing something active that is going to bless your body!

Bumpy Day

2011-05-16T13:55:00.000-07:00

We all know that having a crappy day happens. It sucks, but it does. Yes, I am being non-classy in my word choice, please pardon my rough edges.

I have spent the last 10 days or so walking in this place of razor sharp discernment and wisdom. I have been hearing God's voice clearly and spoken many words of life into many hard situations and to precious people. I should have been ready when stuff went sideways, it often happens that way.

Marital communication breakdowns (yes, we all have them), kids dumping soap down sink drains while water is running foaming it to overflow, pouring water outside of the bathtub, soaking freshly laundered clothes, cleaning up the same mess 7 times in an hour, desperately longing to enjoy my fellas instead of discipline and train them in wise choice making, and trying to figure out how to deal with household maintenance concerns without disrupting anything major... it all adds up to one really stressed out Mommy.

But it didn't have to.

I have been exercising, eating right, praying, staying in the Bible, basically doing everything I know I should be doing for optimal results and yet, the enemy of my soul still managed to whisper a lie into my head that I believed...

"Nothing is ever going to change - you will never get organized, lose weight, be a great mom, make your husband happy... etc."

It is a lie. But I didn't shut it down and immediately speak the truth in my heart or out loud to blast it back to the dark territory it came from. So it festered like an infected wound for the last couple of days until it finally surfaced when a convergence of not terribly unusual circumstances reared their annoying but not disastrous heads.

THAT was when disaster struck.

Now that I have been prayed for (it takes a lot for me to post a "SOS" type status on my Facebook page), the fog is clearing and the truth is surfacing...

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (Amplified Bible)¹⁶Be happy [in your faith] and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually (always); ¹⁷Be unceasing in prayer [praying perseveringly]; ¹⁸Thank [God] in everything [no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful and give thanks], for this is the will of God for you [who are] in Christ Jesus [the Revealer and Mediator of that will].

Now, I personalized the above verse for my situation today:

I choose to be happy in my faith and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually (always), praying without ceasing and persevering in that prayer (even when the sink is foaming and the tub is being emptied manually), thanking God in my challenges of communicating in my marriage because I have a wonderful husband that loves me and his family and it will always be worth the trouble to sort out our misunderstandings. I will give thanks for my Love and the children I begged God for because it is His will for me to walk this road. I will learn I am not defined by my circumstances, He defines who I am. He is the revealer and mediator of His plan for my life. I can give thanks because God's perspective is much more broad and wise than my understanding of any of this.

Thank you for your prayers. Please forgive the extra words, I am still not functioning on all cylinders. But God is good and I will be fine... now for a nap.

I must add - despite my momentary desire to bag my NO SUGAR eating plan due to today's stressors, I DID NOT CAVE!! I finally ate a wise portion of healthy food and leaned on my strategies to prevent failure instead of wiping out my vision for success. Yay! :)

Ironman 2016 Part 1

2011-05-09T14:29:00.000-07:00

WHAT?!
Yes, I said it, I threw it down like a promise and a threat.

I have spent months praying about whether or not this is a commitment I should make to myself or not. Should I tell anyone or not? I finally told my Love and my health coach.

A part of my weight loss process was to write a "Success Vision" - what happens when I reach my goals, what does my life look like when that happens. Here is what I wrote:

My success vision:

It was three weeks ago today that I stepped on the scale and saw the number I worked so hard for. The size clothes in my closet remind me it is true. When I look back I remember some of the pain of it all, but I mostly remember the blessing of the journey.

I let go of half of my body weight. It is strange to look in the mirror and barely remember what the other girl looked like. I never want to forget her. She is the one who worked so hard to get me to where I am today.

I have spent the last year working my body very hard. My heart and mind had to quit making excuses, reminding me that I was strong enough to finish this race. Along the way I was sure I’d never make it, but I kept practicing, improving my skills with consistent disciplined thinking and actions.

Six months from now I am scheduled to have the breast reduction surgery I have been waiting for since puberty! I am so excited to get these girls reigned in once and for all!

I enjoy stretching my cooking skills and navigating new cookbooks only to concoct my own amazing recipes. It always makes me smile when my “healthy” food is gone before Aunt Bessie’s fried chicken at the church potluck!

******

I raced my sons at the track today. They still think they can beat me, but at least for a few more years (before their legs are longer than mine!) I am faster. It cracks me up that the girl who said she would only run if chased is now the elementary school cross-country coach. Whodah thunk?

I am so thankful to finally have completed my teaching degree. The skills I learned while losing this weight really made a difference in my self-confidence in my practical application of the teaching credential and my study techniques. It is amazing how, once you have conquered one big thing in your life, you suddenly believe that anything is possible. Even graduating from college with kids in elementary school! (I have since decided this will wait until after Ironman- too much to do it at the same time)

****

Next month I will compete in my first Ironman. I have no doubt that as I swim, bike, and run I will recall all the miles it took to get me here. I look forward to my 45^th birthday in a few days and know that this journey, though incredibly uncomfortable, was worth every second of effort.

As you can see I have thought this through... now to walk it out, every day. One meal, one swim, bike, run, workout at a time.

Digging Deeper...

2011-04-26T16:35:00.000-07:00

Today I spoke with my Health Coach Michelle (a service through my health insurance company). Once a week we discuss what I have been doing to reach my goals of healthy lifestyle and weight loss.

This week the conversation was a little hard to take. She and I have been talking weekly for seven months. She has been a consistent voice of encouragement, wisdom and challenge. But today was different.

Today she told me she thought I was settling for less than the best. I need to dig deeper to accomplish the results I really want. She said she felt I wasn't reaching my weight loss goals, not because I didn't have the right tools, but because I am not working hard enough consistently with them.

She is right.

I knew it when the tears popped from my eyes and my heart heard the truth in her words. She likened it to a person who didn't want to get hurt again in a relationship. I cried some more, not deep sobs of agony, just tears of a well aimed wisdom-arrow hitting the target of truth.

So, today, not a week from now, not tomorrow, I am digging deeper. Every rationalization for eating the things that don't bless my body has to go... every consideration of how far I've come and how "proud" I should be of myself for the changes I already have made, that is not enough.

I have to get more uncomfortable. Dig deeper within the resources God gave me to press in for the tangible evidence of all the hard work - weight loss. I have a healthy, slim, fit woman locked inside this body and she wants OUT! It is time to do what it takes to release her.

I know what it looks like to Dig Deep. I have experienced it before. I know I can do it. It is very uncomfortable in the transition, but worth the effort.

Her synopsis of our conversation (she emails me after our talks) included the following sentence, "You are so disciplined, full of heart and you are ready for the next level."

She is right!

I will keep you posted on my progress. After all, this is what "Prism Progress" is all about! NOT Prism Maintenance or Prism Status Quo or Prism Retreat!!

The Spring Dash Baby!!

2011-04-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

The contrast between this year's Spring Dash and last year's was quite obvious.

Last year:

I had only been exercising consistently for 6 months
I cried most of the walk, a combination of watching others pass me by (of all ages), knowing it was the first of MANY events I would complete - breaking down my sedentary past and marching ahead to my athletic future!
I walked the entire time.
I had blisters the size of quarters on each foot!
I completed the race in 1hr 39minutes.
I ranked 79 of 80 in my age group. 1224 overall.

This year:

I have completed a Sprint triathlon
I have exercised consistently for 18mos.
I ran alongside or chased (she kept a few steps ahead of me to increase my pace a bit :)) my beloved friend Michele.
It didn't even occur to me to cry - I was so excited to see what I could do!
I ran ALMOST the entire time. I did run faster than my regular pace which made my chest start to hurt like what happened when I started training faster so I had to walk for about 10 minutes. But, once I felt better, I ran the rest of the race, finishing as fast as I could at the final stretch.
NO Blisters!!
I completed the race in 1hr 18minutes.
I ranked 51 of 71 in my age group and 802 overall.

I had a great time. Several dear friends were there to cheer me on and run/walk the race themselves. It wasn't "fun" exactly, but it was good hard work and I did my very best to push as hard as I could for the best result possible.

Some things I thought would change that haven't...
I still had to order a 2x t-shirt.

I have changed some of my thinking and I will share it for your amusement :
As a part of diligently controlling my thought life so I can fully embrace who I am right now and love where I am at (weight and shape specifically) I have started adding "Barbie" to the end of my attire for the day...
Spring Dash day I was "Running Barbie"
Swimming days I am "Swimming Barbie"
Weight Lifting days I am "Workout Barbie"

You get the picture. It always makes me chuckle and keeps my mind on the end result of my efforts (NO I am not striving to look EXACTLY like Barbie! Yes, I am familiar with the fact she is inaccurately proportioned;).
I want to love being me - Now. Just like I stated in my blog about body image .

I look forward to what the rest of this year holds - at least 1 Sprint triathlon, a team triathlon with my Love and a great friend, and maybe one more event, we will see...

God in the Yard Week 5 Sabbath on a Page & Body Image

2011-04-06T12:47:00.000-07:00

I love this quote/prompt from God in the Yard by L.L. Barkat :

"Let your mind turn to things that make you afraid, jealous, or irritable because they are strange keys to eventual gratitude - be honest, not nice. It will take you farther."

So I shall! This is a little raw, so if you are easily offended, you may want to pass on reading further.

I will start with AFRAID
I remain afraid that my body will never change. That I will never become the healthy fit woman I want to be. How long will I have to face this internal panic alarm that sounds when I don't go to the gym? How long will I allow my exhaustion to rule my eating habits and the numbing out with the TV - to cope with all the stuff I'm too tired to deal with?

JEALOUS
Seriously jealous of anyone who has forty pounds or less to lose. I don't want to hear you complain about your body either. DECIDE to feel good in your skin, no matter your size! That is how I am learning to live and I have over 100 lbs to lose!

IRRITABLE
I find myself irritable with people who don't appreciate what they have. Regarding body image specifically here, I have to work TWICE as hard for TWICE as long to get any changes to show (because of my hormonal/physiological function). Can you PLEASE quit crabbing about the few cellulite dimples on your thighs? REALLY would you LOOK in the mirror? DECIDE your life is too precious to waste fretting over your physical imperfections and EMBRACE ALL of who you are TODAY - not who you will be minus 5, 10, 30, 75 lbs. PLEASE!

GRATITUDE part :
Thank you Lord for all I am learning about myself on this journey. The fear, the jealousy, the irritation expose places in ME that need Your healing, my actions and Your Grace. I want ALL You have for me, the WHOLE blessing of working and walking it out for Your glory, not my own. The changes You are making in me are about the journey NOT the destination.

God in the Yard - Week 5 Part 2 - Why I am comfortable expressing my feelings and problems

2011-03-26T15:48:00.000-07:00

"I feel comfortable expressing my feelings and problems openly because..."

I am not defined by my problems. My challenges, even the internal ones do not make me who I am. They are only a part of me in the process of facing them and walking through them one day at a time.

Maintaining the perspective it is not "about me" makes these easier to share. My victories aren't any more "about me" than my defeats. My wounds, scars, processes all are for the purpose of glorifying God. When I hold back in fear of being judged when He is asking me to share, I rob Him of the glory He deserves.

When I fail in a big way and I am open about it, without fear of judgement, He is glorified as One who gives Grace, Who is capable of infinite Love and Strength when I am weak. Paul states this quite clearly in one of my favorite verses "But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me". (2 Corinthians 12:9) When God gives me revelation on why I failed or where the root is in my weakness, who am I to hold back and keep it only for myself? If another can find victory from my weaknesses exposed, then I want that for them, because again, it's not "about me".

The flow of giving and receiving can be hindered if I hold back out of self-protection instead of allowing Him to be my protector and my vindicator. Like Isaiah says in chapter 54 verse 17, ^"No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, And their righteousness is from Me,” Says the LORD.

Now, to be clear, I am not saying EVERYTHING should be shared ALL the time. If others are involved I seek permission share their aspect of the issue and I try to use discernment about who/what/when I share - ALWAYS.

When He gives me insight in my strengths or in my weaknesses, it is always a gift. He is building my faith, strengthening my spirit and affirming His love for me. He has called me to share these insights with others because inviting them into my trials can bring encouragement to us both and God often has healing for them as well.

Ultimately, since it is not "about me" I am free from my need to make sure someone doesn't think poorly of me or judge me. When my eyes are on Him, my ear is listening for His heartbeat, and I wait on Him for revelation in my challenges and circumstances it doesn't just bless me, it usually blesses others too!

The "Heart" of an Athlete

2011-03-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

Since my last blog was two weeks ago, I probably should confess a few things…

I am working out every single day I can. I am training for the Spring Dash, a local 5 mile race on April 17. I decided to run it this year after walking the whole way last year.

I have been training pretty hard for it, because despite my knowledge that I can finish it, I really want to run it.

Now, to clarify how I define running…

Right now I can run pretty steady at 4mph for at least a mile. That was my pace at the triathlon last September. The funny thing about that is, when my friend “Iron Tony” was helping finish my training before my race, he was walking beside me while I ran!

I see the other folks at the gym running 6mph or faster, and I assume that when you aren’t lugging my kind of weight with you, that is how fast you can actually run.

I decided that I want to increase my speed, so with the help of my fitness coach, encouragement from a few friends, I decided to up my speed. Carefully. Or so I thought.

This is where it gets interesting.

The canned response for almost anyone encouraging anyone to do anything is “Of course you can do it!” but you have to take in to consideration your audience. Most people are reasonable and stop when they know they are supposed to. I didn’t.

Last Friday, after being cooped up in the house for 3 days with sick kids AGAIN, I finally made it to the Kroc for a good hard workout. I needed it. I needed the endorphins and the pent up mommy frustrations to be pounded out on the treadmill and in my strength training routine.

My goal – Walk 5 minutes at 3mph, which for me is a pretty good pace, stop and stretch a bit, then run for 3 minutes at 4.5mph, walk a minute, 3 min run for 5 sets of 3 minute runs. It doesn’t seem unreasonable does it? I didn’t think so.

I am running along the first set staying relaxed, keeping my breathing even, and keeping an eye on my heart rate on the machine (I do not have a heart monitor). I ran my second and third set pushing harder as my heart rate continued to climb and I was having to really focus on my breathing. During my fourth set I noticed my hands were starting to tingle a bit, I grabbed the monitor bar on the treadmill and my heart rate was higher than I have seen it before. I walked for my minute and considered if I should push for the last set.

I decided I have spent 3 minutes of time wastefully and ridiculously in the past, why not push a little harder and finish my goal. I didn’t want to get all caught up in my head thinking I couldn’t do it when I was pretty sure I could. It’s just one foot in front of the other right?

As I started that 5^th set, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. During the first minute I remembered all the years I was an athletic trainer working “Hell Week” football and imagined this is how those poor guys felt running in the Cali heat in August!

My second minute I was noticing I had to breathe more carefully and try to relax a bit because breathing was becoming quite painful.

My third minute, I was so miserable I just pictured my backside in the mirror ( I have been making myself study my body in the mirror, making note of what I’d like to change and what changes are happening – Yes, I even “flex” a muscle or two ;)). Then I pictured how I wanted it to look. As I was staggering for the last 30 seconds I kept hanging on to the picture of the smaller behind. I grabbed the monitor bars in the last 15 seconds to check my heart rate and steady myself for the last few steps.

I DID IT!!!

I finished my goal. My final heart rate 180 beats per minute. I walked for a few minutes holding the bars and watching my heart recover back down to 150ish, and then it stayed there for a bit. I decided to get off the machine and just walk around.

My chest HURT. It felt like I strapped an elephant to it and the weight just kept increasing. I sat for a few minutes and stretched my legs. The pounding was subsiding but my whole upper torso ached.

I picked up the kids from the playcare and headed for home. I made a few phone calls to see if anyone was available to ask about what was happening to my body. I eventually called my doctor, since he knows what I am doing for training. He said I likely strained myself pushing too hard and if I still hurt in a few days I should come see him.

The pain eventually subsided but spiked again the next day after my second set of 3 minute runs. So I stopped. Stretched and did some weights.

The next day was better, I could get through three sets, but had to slow down to 4mph for the last set.

The fourth day I did three sets again starting at 4mph, then a faster set at 4.5, then another set at 4.

Each time I completed my run I felt like collapsing. Each time I didn’t want to do it again. I was afraid it would hurt like before. I tried harder to listen to my body and today, I am resting. No running. For 24 hours.

You may think I am nuts. And quite honestly I do too. But right now I am pressing ahead for the vision of myself becoming an athlete. Every true athlete I know pushes past discomfort to really get the most out of their workouts. I think what I proved to myself on Friday is that I already have the “heart” (not physically- but mentally) of an athlete.

God in the Yard - Week 2 - Sabbath on a Page - 40 day FOCUS

2011-03-03T14:02:00.000-08:00

Sabbath on a page happens to speak of resting and writing whatever comes out. The day before I wrote this I was in such turmoil I couldn't even think straight and my last words to my husband for the day were, " I suck!" and I went to bed. SOOO... with that in mind

The next morning I woke up refreshed and clear. I slept through the night for the first time in weeks (which definitely helps my perspective on life) and opened up to the end of week 2 of God in the Yard . The encouragement to have a "sabbath on a page" was less than intriguing, but as many of the exercises in this book do, I decided to plunge ahead and see what would pop out of my super sloppy scribbles.

I asked HIM for something to hang my hat on, focus on and marinate in. When I get out of sorts it is because I have lost focus. Considering the equation from my blog before this one and the scripture it contained, I decided to ask Him for a little more. Greedy? Yes, for the things of God, absolutely.

As I prayed I saw this reference in my mind - John 17:17 I looked it up first in the NIV (New International Version) but I wasn't sure what it meant by sanctify. So I looked it up in the AMP (Amplified version) which includes all the appropriate descriptions from the actual root word. Then I read on through verse 19 .

I then felt like I needed to make it personal. If the God of the universe was going to speak to me through His Word, I needed to do what I wrote about before and PAY ATTENTION.

In John 17 Jesus is praying to the Father about and for us. So we can personalize this because even way back then Jesus knew He was praying for YOU and ME. (I love that, by the way!)

Here is what that looked like:

¹⁷Sanctify Jennifer [purify, consecrate, separate her for Yourself, make her holy] by the Truth; Your Word is Truth.
¹⁸Just as You sent Me(Jesus) into the world, I also have sent Jennifer into the world.
¹⁹And so for Jennifer's sake and on her behalf I sanctify (dedicate, consecrate) Myself, that she also may be sanctified (dedicated, consecrated, made holy) in the Truth.

Okay now to make it even more personal, an actual prayer I can pray first person,

Father, please sanctify me, purify me, consecrate me, separate me for Yourself, make me holy by the Truth; Your Word is Truth. Just as You sent Jesus into the world, You also have sent me into the world. And so for my sake and on my behalf Jesus sanctified (dedicated, consecrated) Himself, that I also may be sanctified (dedicated, consecrated, made holy) in the Truth.
Thank you LORD!!

Okay, so what does that mean to me?

The sanctifying, purifying, consecrating, separating, holy-making work has been done (Jesus did it on the cross). He died so I could be all of those things. But I don't live that way.

So for the next 40 days I will be focusing on what walking that out looks like. I am not sure yet other than it is submitting to the caloric intake established for me, spending time in His Word, and listening to sermons on these topics. Beyond those things He has shown me to do, I will pay attention, listening for Him and watching for Him.

Transformation Equation - God in the Yard Week 2

2011-02-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

In my other blog "The Journey Begins Today" I have written about my journey through the book God in the Yard by L.L. Barkat. I have bounced between both of my blogs because I want to stay true to what each one represents.

The Journey Begins Today is about me and my family. Our adventures, challenges and my journey as a wife, mother, daughter and friend in that process. This book is touching me in that facet of my life as well as in the area that this blog is focused on and that is my personal transformation from being overweight and tired into fit and athletic.

I am elaborating in this post on this equation:

Me box = all of who I am right now

Old Ways box =
- leaning on food for comfort, celebration, energy when I should just go to bed, etc.
- breaking old habits of coping (yelling at my kids, impatient or disrespectful to my Love)
- STOP meeting my own needs - Not trusting God for His provision for ALL my needs emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually

Pay attention box = This means staying in His Word, not for the purpose of the Law (rules and commands), but for the purpose of understanding His Grace and love for me that compels me to see the instructions He has laid out for me as a blessing and not a penalty - I love this passage in Hebrews!

Taking new action box = being willing to be uncomfortable and do something that stretches me. If I never make different choices, why should I expect to change?? You know the old saying about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results... yeah, I need to NOT do that!

Transformed me box = I have no idea what this final picture will look like. I really don't. I can't say I really care. I just know God is inviting me to be transformed and I want to take Him up on it.

My fellas think they should have breakfast, so I must attend to their tummy rumblings and embrace all God has planned for me today. I meet with a dietician today about my food intake. I really plan to pick her brain on all sorts of thoughts and questions. Lap band surgery, meal replacements, clean cooking, organic or not etc. I will let you know what I find out.

Thanks for being a part of my progress!

Uncomfortable (God in the Yard - Week 2 - Question 2)

2011-02-22T16:20:00.000-08:00

I am currently reading a book called God in the Yard by L.L. Barkat and you can follow my journey more often on my 3boymomma blog, but this one specifically pertains to my pursuit of becoming healthy and fit so I am posting it here...

In the second week of my journey in the second section of questions I found this one:

"When I experience deep emotions that swing from one extreme to the other, I think this might mean..."

In the past it would have meant I was in desperate need of some deep inner healing... and maybe I do, but not in this season of my life.

I am going to answer this question as it relates to taking care of myself physically.

...I am charting new territory in my heart, body and mind and that is UNCOMFORTABLE!

Doing new stuff is hard. Parenting, changing the way I eat (and how my family eats too), adding intense focused exercise, and developing new habits of dealing with "stuff" pushes me out of the nest of my comfort zone. My first step may be in confidence and then, as I free-fall though the air of changing circumstances, eventually landing on my butt or nose, depending on the day, it HURTS! (yes, I know I don't always land in a painful place, but lately, that is how it seems.)

A few nights ago I drove away from the gym in pain. It took forever to find a parking place, so I almost gave up, then there were a million people there and I couldn't find an open piece of equipment, then when I did find one, my entire workout hurt (my hip to be specific). My whole body hurt by the time I was done. On my way back to the car I saw my full profile reflected in the glass on the wall. That image sealed the deal on the futility of my efforts these many months. I cried as I left the parking lot vowing I would never go back.

But, not to worry, I changed my mind within about 20 minutes, hearing my friend Tarri's voice in my head, "If it was easy, everyone would do it."

I said earlier I am charting new territory. I have to get past the "been there done that" mentality after my successful triathlon completion and push my body for more. To be Faster, Stronger, Leaner, Smarter, I must cover new ground and open myself up to more intense feelings of discomfort.

I have no doubt that the first "step" out of the nest for a bird, ready or not, is uncomfortable. That is how I feel. Change is uncomfortable. It can be exciting and rewarding, but it still different from what once was.

This question comes to mind, if I am comfortable - is there a reason to change? I don't think so.

Being in my current body is quite uncomfortable in many ways. When I look in the mirror I don't look like how I feel. I am me, but I am slowed by the burden of my weight and my muscles built with so much effort are buried in excess fat. My positive personality and zest for life are distorted by my appearance (to others) and make my passion for my Savior seem less credible with such obvious sin encasing my frame.

I am not going to lie. I am not far from that place I was last week. Tears are very close to the surface. I have spent way too many years being "comfortable" and the body I have now is the result. I need to become uncomfortable with the status quo and do something uncomfortable - jump out of my nest and become consistently uncomfortable but fully at peace - because I know I am doing what God has asked me to do. I was saying to a friend today, this journey is uncomfortable. That discomfort is the driving force that will get me to where I want to be.

Resting...

2011-02-18T12:59:00.000-08:00

His hand touched my face, awakening me as he stretched and relaxed against my frame. Instantly I was transported to a season in time when I would tuck his small head into my armpit and his toes would reach only to my waist. Now, 3 years later, clad in his favorite lime green and white "Buzz Lightyear" uniform jammies, his toes reach all the way to my knees.

I lay in bed listening to him breathe, soaking in his sweet presence knowing that if I give in to my aching bladder, he would not feel my warmth and would awaken, eager to join his brothers out in the living room for the "while mommy wakes up" cartoons. I lingered, smelling his golden head, watching his lips move like he was giving instructions even in his sleep. He slept in his own bed most of the night, but just like God designed us, he longed for the warmth of the presence of someone he loved.

My Dad is a Police and Fire Chaplain in South Seattle. He has taught me a lot about the "ministry of presence". He is really great at his job. Over seven years, he has earned the trust of those he serves just by being there. Consistently. He attends training nights, regularly rides along, gives wisdom and insight only when asked and otherwise is just there with them.

Talking with him in the course of his years of trauma scenes, death notifications, CPR in progress calls, etc, I asked him how he does his job, REALLY. I am a talker. I love to encourage and to support and to pray and to fill up space with words, on the paper or in the air...

Dad, he is not. He is present. He told me he sees his job is to bring Christ into whatever situation he is called to be in. He is very aware, because of his personal relationship with Jesus, and the presence of the Holy Spirit in him, wherever he goes, God is there. His ministry is presence. He is there. People's lives have been touched because my Dad shows up. His faithfulness, loyalty and reliability goes beyond his calling as chaplain, it is his character.

This morning, the activities of the day had to wait for a little bit longer, so my son could be in my presence. He came in to our room early this morning seeking it. When he found it, he rested in it. I need to do that with God. Seek Him out (it's not like I have to look far, He's always with me) and rest in His presence.

Now, sitting at my kitchen table, typing away, getting ready to clean the dish-full sink, make lunch, run some loads of laundry, and tuck my fella in for his nap, I am still resting. I will rest while I go about the daily things, paying attention to God's presence and the presence of the fellas that share my space. Like my Dad taught me to, by his example. I pray my boys will not only be able to work hard, but also to rest. They are watching me.

D words

2011-02-02T10:05:00.000-08:00

Discouragement, Delight, Despair, Dynamite, Delicious, Depressed, Disgusted, Distracted, Dynamic, Delivered, Denial, the list could keep going... but I will stop there.

I am struggling. I am not going to lie.

I also find myself pushing back at the negative D words with the positive ones. Will this past week go Down in our family history as the week we spent together Delightfully tucked into our comfy warm home recovering from the flu bug of the moment, or will it become another marker on my long line of Depressed events where I leaned on food instead of God?

I won't know until I reach the end of this week, but for today, I will pick Dynamic for my word, rolling with the challenges, accomplishing the necessary and the neglected tasks, Drinking my water, and loving on the ones who need me.

Taking Care...setting goals...

2011-01-30T14:15:00.000-08:00

There are many ways I need to be taking care of myself.

For years I have focused on taking care of the inside (the "unseen") me. My heart, my spirit, and my mind have had major overhauls in the last fifteen years or so. I have done this by choosing to spend time in God's Word, praying, receiving wise counsel from those who love Him and me, and spending lots of time worshiping God. By worshiping I mean listening to Christian music 95% of the time, cultivating an attitude of gratitude to God for all He has provided for me, and really savoring the blessings of the people He put in my life.

I have had tunnel vision - often so spiritually minded I'm no earthly good.

On our recent cruise to Mexico and back, I found myself discovering my neglect of the other facets of me. Yes, these past many months I have pursued physical health and wellness and that is definitely dealing with the outside (the "seen") me. But, since I have been doing that, I have found there is more than just working out and eating right that need to be done differently. I need to dress better, shower more, pursue action instead of neglect, play more, laugh harder and streamline my space.

This whole experience is definitely a significant process.

I once had the goal of completing a triathlon before I turned forty. I did it. I wonder what my next goal should be. There are 114 days until my 40th birthday. Hmmmm.....

More Adjustments

2011-01-24T15:09:00.000-08:00

Since I have had houseguests/family in my home for over a month I find myself needing a few days to readjust my life back to some sort of "normal".

No, I really have no clue what that looks like, but generally it means:

Decluttering my fridge of junk
Decluttering my counters
Cleaning out my kitchen of all things unnecessary - yes - I will be throwing food away or donating it!!
Cleaning out and organizing bedrooms, bathroom, and miscellaneous other spaces that have collected "stuff" not crucial to daily life.

I had planned that today would be my first day "back" on track for training but it just isn't going to work. When I planned today to be THAT day I had no idea my parents would stay on for an extra week (too ill to travel home) recovering from pneumonia and bronchitis. We had a very special time together but this threw all of our schedules for a loop and adjustments had to be made.

Keeping it all in balance means taking the time to attend to the space where my family dwells, bringing order and peace to random piles and activities and THEN I will hit the gym. Likely, next week. ;)

What does trying look like?

2011-01-04T09:59:00.000-08:00

Trying...

The more I reflect on the word the more definitions I can think of.
I am trying to eat better.
I am trying to get to the gym.
The lake on the bathroom floor is trying my patience.
I am trying to do my homework (but not doing actually anything).
I am tired of trying.
Its trying to snow.
I'm trying on bathing suits (not a blast).
I'm trying on new shoes (more fun).
I'm trying to focus on my upcoming vacation but all I can think of is laundry...

Lots of opportunities for trying... but am I DOING anything?

Most days.

I think trying looks different depending on the day.

Today I tried to get to the gym but on the way my older son splashed (what he described as a "little" bit of water on his brother". Sitting in the parking lot of the gym, unbuckling the kids and noticing the "little" bit of water meant, I saturated him to the skin... so, back home to dry clothes and mom's not going back out!

Trying to eat better means dumping the junk food in the garbage instead of eating it (so it will be gone). Many holiday goodies have gone the way of the trash can these last couple of days, but I must admit, the best fudge I ever made, the peanut butter bars and the dark chocolate mints, those got eaten... all gone!

Trying on bathing suits, I opted out of. When we go to Mexico in 5 days and 18 hours, I will only bring one suit I already have but it looks much better on me than it did this past summer...

Trying on shoes, now that was cool. I found lovely short heeled strappy ones on clearance for 14.99 plus an extra 20% off... THAT is wonderful!

I had better wrap up this fun, because the next thing I will be doing - trying to find childcare for MOPS this week... not an easy thing to do!

Reflections on 2010

2010-12-31T06:50:00.000-08:00

I woke up praying this morning. Not an unusual thing, pretty normal, but today it was reflective prayer, the closing of one year and the opening of another.

Everyone I know wants next year to be different. Some had an amazing year, others had an awful year and many had a year with ups and downs and everything in between.

I want next year to be different too. I liked this year. It was good. It wasn’t easy, I can’t remember any time when I thought I just sailed through a year without regrets or at least reflection on what was and what I wished would be different.

This past year was a turning point, a major transitional year for me. I transitioned from feeling like a frumpy, mediocre housewife and mom into more of who God created me to be. I chose to make some big changes.

Earlier this year He showed me these verses from Habakkuk 3:17-19

¹⁷ Though the fig tree does not bud
   and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
   and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
   and no cattle in the stalls,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
   I will be joyful in God my Savior.
¹⁹ The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
   he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
   he enables me to tread on the heights.

What this passage continues to speak to me is that tangible things do not have to be in evidence to rejoice or to be strong and courageous. Knowing He is my Savior, He is my strength and that is what makes the difference in my life choices.

In 2010, I grew spiritually, I pressed in to God for more than I could ask for or imagine (Eph 3:20) and He gave it to me. I chose to respect and admire my husband more and not spend as much time indulging in self-pity over the things I wish he did differently. I chose to see my children in a fresh light, as brothers-in-Christ, works in progress, just like me. I heard the challenge of my God and His strategically placed friends to rise up and become the athlete He designed me to be. And finally, I chose to put the melancholy and negative self –talk out of my heart and mind (this, I have not mastered, but it is very different than what once was) and hear the Words of my Savior for my identity.

My hopes, dreams and desires for 2011 are to keep up what God asked me to change in 2010. I also want to believe Him for more. By His grace, I will let you know how it goes!

Adjustments Progress...

2010-12-24T09:56:00.000-08:00

Well, I set the bar low for my expectations on my eating and exercise plan and I will say, I am meeting them! :) I am doing better than I thought in many ways; not as much "stress/busy" eating as I thought I would do, eating my yummy veggie soup for meals when I can, water intake pretty consistent, sleep, well, that remains a work in progress...

I feel good. I feel covered by the Lord and settled in His Season being about Him and not me. I have a peace about the family events happening and I am thankful He has already made provision for every need in my "nest" so I only need to hear from Him on my responsibilities and let Him take care of the rest.

I am so thankful for all of you who consistently cover me in prayer. I am soaking it up and savoring His presence with deep gratitude for who He is and all who He has put in my path, cyber or otherwise!

Merry Merry Merry Christmas! May you find yourself rejoicing every minute knowing your Savior came to give you all you could ever need or imagine! Much Love from cold, snowy, wet Idaho!

Making Adjustments

2010-12-15T20:58:00.000-08:00

Ok, I must admit, I am moderately horrified that I have had nothing much to say in the past couple of weeks.

Well, I have had stuff to say, but no time to really sit down, type it out and share it. It is hard to know where to begin now, but I will try.

I have had to make some real significant adjustments to my stronger, faster, healthier me plan.

First some good news and some bad news... I have seen the endocrinologist and found there is not a single health issue going on besides my weight which is an awesome gift from the Lord I do not take lightly. However, the insurance company is rejecting my claim and so I will have to spend several hours typing, arguing, appealing, etc to try to get them to pay.

My adjustments:
1) I am taking some time off journaling my food. The additional tedium of entering every bite is adding more stress to a very busy time of year.
2) I am not setting any major goals for the next month or so. Again, trying to reach goals in the midst of stress, busy and or sick kids, family visiting, etc, is just not reasonable.
3) I am going to continue to focus on what I need to do to take care of myself including making wise food choices, working out, drinking enough water and getting good sleep.
4) I have seen my family practice doc and on his advice began taking anti-depressants. My hormonal fluctuations and the darker days are taking their toll on my mind and emotions. He assures me that this tool is not permanent and he sees many people this time of year that just need a boost to make it through our cold dark North Idaho winters and by spring I should be ready to resume life without them. I am relieved.
5) I am focusing on my family and our celebration of this special holiday with an attitude of freedom and not restriction. I am on this journey for life. No fancy food or diet is going to last forever. Only daily choices to walk in the new path I have chosen.

So, there you have it. I hope to write again this weekend as I have been sitting on a lot of different stuff to share, but haven't had time to process it thoroughly. God bless you and thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog.

Growing Beyond Myself

2010-11-30T22:20:00.000-08:00

I think one of the reasons I am in a dry patch of writing is I am getting tired of so much introspection. Wandering through the maze of my heart and mind grows old when some of the same issues and dilemmas keep popping up.

Do I eat this?

Should I do that?

Is this going to bless my progress or slow it down?

I don't like having a bedtime, why is sleep so darn important? (Don't get me wrong, I happen to LOVE my bed, and I do wish I could spend more time in it, I just like the quiet of my house when no one needs me too!)

I look forward to the day when these aren't a part of my daily thoughts... but I can't imagine when that would be.

I did see the endocrinologist yesterday and he says that he sees no secondary cause for my being overweight, but genetics make it harder to take off. I need to keep up the hard work. I lost 5lbs since I saw him last. That was good news too.

In the midst of all the introspection God keeps calling me to come out of it to walk freely in the ministry He has placed me in - a free-style, listen carefully and obey immediately type ministry. Call someone when He says call, pray for someone else when He says pray, speak what He puts in my mouth and trust He has prepared the heart listening to hear it, and other things along those lines. I keep my eyes out and heart open for those divine appointments. I ask for them. I expect them. I don't need these moments to somehow fuel my value, like I used to. Now, I feel driven to speak Life to those God has put in my path. To declare purpose and peace. To draw others toward Him (certainly not to me- yikes!) knowing they will find all they seek in Him.

This is how He keeps my focus beyond myself and directly onto Him. He is WAY cooler anyway! :)

A prayer about my writer's block

2010-11-28T22:24:00.000-08:00

It has been ages since I have written, or so it seems. For a daily blog I am certainly way behind!

But, here's what's up:

I am not entirely sure. I have opened up a "new post" several times only to draw a blank or write something that upon reading it over, doesn't seem worth posting. I was sharing this with a friend and she suggested I write a prayer about my inability to write.

Here it is:

Lord,
I try to write but words evade me.
Lost in the tunnel of the day.
I see Your Light, I am not despairing,
I just can't seem to say

That my heart is processing,
contemplating,
dreaming,
imagining a me I do not yet know.

I feel a bit lost
Wondering what to say
When it comes time to
articulate the day.

I do not cry
or feel in a muddle,
But deep deep down,
I feel a bubble.

Like expectation and labor pains
it seems, rising from the
low places.

Nitty gritty day to day
Food choices and sleep held at bay
I feel like a success and failure
Both leaping with excitement
and sluggish doldrums contrast.

I keep plugging along with
Hope in my heart,
Good sense in my head,
Knowing that right now
I need to go to bed!!!

I love You Lord and I know at least You get a chuckle from my musings as well as feel compassion for my challenges. Thank You for loving me and coating me with grace to keep me warm in this season of exposure. Amen.

The Other Choice

2010-11-19T15:22:00.000-08:00

When I posted the short stories I wrote yesterday on my blog: The Journey Begins Today - SHORT Stories I kept pondering this one:

Title: The Other Choice (Based on Luke 9:61-62) © JJ Bogdanowicz

He left without saying goodbye. Stunned, she took a deep breath. Eternal purpose had been chosen, trusting the Master’s provision. Destiny called them both.

Here is the scripture that gave me that concept:

^{Luke 9:61} Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
⁶² Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”

I have been pondering those words much like those from Luke 14:25-27 I wrote about in my Blog called Hating Others?
I wrote that blog over two weeks ago and the scriptures are resonating in my spirit like I am supposed to do something with them, only I am not exactly sure what.

That brings me back to the short story. Looking at the verse through the eyes of a wife with children to take care of, I put myself in the shoes of the wife (assuming he had one) of the man who asked Jesus that question. What if he decided to follow Jesus? It doesn't say that he did, but since we are all forced to make similar decisions based on our willingness to obey Christ, the question is worth asking I think.

I can't imagine my husband going into town to see this man everyone is talking about and then never coming home. Why would God do that?

We value family to a certain degree in this culture. Some populations more than others, for sure, but I have seen many Christian families "circle their wagons" and put their "family" as their primary focus and calling. I am NOT saying that our families are not important priorities. They are! But as I have struggled with prioritizing my family life with the things God is asking me to do with my time, and sometimes I have been challenged to consider what is more important.

The answer is not always clear, but for the most part, I have leaned on the Bible (wherever I seem to be studying at the moment is usually relevant to the issue), my discernment, and the wisdom of my husband. He always seems to have a consistent understanding of what God is doing in my world and how to help me prioritize, even when it makes him or me uncomfortable. I also consult other people that are involved in my life who will tell me the hard truth if I get off balance.

So, again, back to the story. If he chose to walk away from his family to follow Christ, what about his wife? Their children? Their income?

What I know about the character of God is that He can provide for needs we didn't even know we had. He faithfully releases encouragement, support, finances, employment, wisdom, gifts, to name a few, for our benefit and blessing. You can't convince me that his wife was off of God's radar. If he had made "The Other Choice", she would have been taken care of. Because that is who God is. I am not saying her life would be easy. I can only imagine the heartbreak, the loss, the confusion, the embarrassment of judgment from others who did not understand, but God would have been there.

I want to remember that always. Whatever He asks me, or my Love, or my children to do, He will be there. For all of us.

Well, Here I Am!!

2010-11-16T23:02:00.000-08:00

There I am! Highlights and all! It's not the very best picture ever but it works to show you what my final "gift" looks like.

I love it. I REALLY do. I look in the mirror now and I see the brightness of my youth and the little touch of gray at the top of the part on my hair to indicate there might be a bit of wisdom contained in my newly colored hair. I actually like that the gal who does my hair, KJ Russel (let me know if you want her number), left the gray in. She knows I prefer a more "natural" look after doing my hair for over 6 years.

This week I started my strength training routine again as well as consistent cardio (run, bike, swim) to keep me in shape for the triathlons I plan to do next year. Yes, I plan on doing more than one!

My Monday workout was 10 min on the bike, working hard to get a good "warm-up" before my strength training exercises (about 30 min) and then another 15 minutes on the treadmill, working on increasing my speed on my running. I did intervals, fast walking, running my regular speed and then picking up speed for a few minutes. It was a great workout! I told the Lord that if He would help me keep the kids healthy, I would keep up the hard work.

Also, for my goals for the week, in case you are curious, I will be IN BED by 10pm, drink my water, and continue to eat as "clean" as possible. I thank you for your prayers if you feel led. Blessings!

Receiving A Gift

2010-11-14T13:34:00.000-08:00

I am going to fillet myself open here, so hang on and hang in for this one!

Just a few days ago my husband offered me the gift of getting my hair done. Not just the usual haircut by my favorite stylist and the removal of all things caterpillar from my eyebrows, but have my hair colored too!

I was thrilled for about 10 seconds.

Then my head started spinning - all the things I see as needs MUCH greater than having my hair colored started piling up and entangling my ability to receive this gift my husband wanted to give me.

Guilt washed over me like a tidal wave as I considered the luxury of the experience. I thought about all the people who know our regular budget is super tight and I wondered what they would think of me if they see me somewhere with the extravagance of having my hair colored.

I began to cry and I asked him if I could just have the money that he would spend on the coloring part of getting my hair done so I could spend it on meeting at least SOME of the needs racing though my mind.

My Love told me to not worry about how the needs are going to be met, but to receive his gift as a reward for all the hard work I do; working out, eating right, etc. I couldn't stop crying and so I just told him I would pray about it and get back with him.

I did pray. I talked to some other sisters-in-Christ about it. I prayed some more. I read my Bible and listened to His voice.

The wisdom of the Word, the women who know and love me, and His heart whispers to me all said the same thing, "receive the gift".

As if to confirm all that was happening in my world; this weeks study in "Lord, I Want to Know You by Kay Arthur on the names of God, the name is Jehovah Jireh- The Lord Who Provides.

Also, since my body is finally changing into a smaller size I have needed some new clothes. Last week I received a $10 gift card for one store, a $25 gift card for another and yet another for $15. I was able to purchase two sweaters and a vest for $28 with the sale prices and gift cards. The balance of the money I used for grocery needs.

WHY do I question His provision EVER????

He promises it, He delivers it, AND He also meets "wants" too.

Another thing about getting my hair colored - I don't hardly ever talk about it. I sit in the chair at the salon and wonder what it would look like if I could. The woman who does my hair is an artist. She sees my hair as a canvas and she always wants to do it, but we don't have it in our budget so I say no. It is a whispered desire from my heart to the Lord. That's all.

Apparently He whispered into the ear of my Love about giving me this gift. So, as soon as we can coordinate our schedules, I will have an appointment to remove the fuzzy eyebrows, trim the shaggy edges, and paint the canvas of my hair into something differently beautiful than what I normally wear.

I will receive this gift with a happy heart knowing other needs are provided for trusting my God and my Love to work it out together. I look forward to posting a picture when I am done!

How He Loves Us

2010-11-10T15:18:00.000-08:00

We don't get to pick how we are loved. We just don't. God didn't design life that way.

We can choose our spouse, we can choose our friends but really, in the end, we can't choose how they love us back. We make the best choices we can, and as long as there is commitment on both sides to stay in the relationship despite pain or hardship, we can continue to choose to love them, but we still never get to choose how they love us in return.

There are zillions of movies written about love affairs, I am fresh from watching The Notebook and I have been pondering the really great love stories I've seen. I love the movies Moulin Rouge, Never Been Kissed, 50 First Dates, Princess Bride, Fools Rush In and countless others. Why?

We were created to "love and be loved in return" to quote Moulin Rouge. God designed us for relationship with Himself first and then others.
1 John 4:15-17
¹⁵ All who confess that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. ¹⁶ We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.
God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. ¹⁷ And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.

This song has been a favorite of mine from the first second I heard it. We don't get to choose how God loves us. But, oh how HE loves!

Here are the lyrics to How He Loves by John Mark McMillan below is the youtube video of the song, but I really wanted you to see the lyrics first. Read them, soak up the words, then let the music pour over you, sing along if you can. There is something powerful about singing out loud that He loves you. Your head hears it, your heart hears it, your ears hear it, it is a very powerful thing. God bless you. May you be enveloped by His presence as you read and listen with your spirit, heart, and mind.

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath
The weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize how beautiful You are
And how great Your afflictions for me

Oh how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us so

Yea He loves us
Oh how

We are His portion
And He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart beats violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us

Oh how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us so

Who I am compared to who HE is

2010-11-08T13:57:00.001-08:00

I fail,

But You fail not.

I sin,

But Your kindness leads me to repent.

I forget You

But You never forget me.

I run from You,

But You pace my stride.

I get angry with You,

But Your compassion never fails.

I feel lost,

But You know where I am.

I feel unimportant,

But You value me.

I am rocked by my life,

But You remain unshaken.

I look for You

But You always see me.

I reach for You,

And You are right there.

O LORD, Your existence cannot be changed by me.

You remain unchanged for eternity.

Trying on Clothes

2010-11-06T16:13:00.000-07:00

This morning I headed off to Kohls at 7:15am. A crazy time to be shopping, sort of. They were having a huge sale. They have lots of sales, but I had a $10 off coupon, a 15% off (in addition to sale prices) coupon, and my money from the consignment sale to spend. About $30. I knew it would still take a miracle to find upgrades to my wardrobe for that much but I knew from past experience God would show me exactly the best items to get.

I looked though the racks, praying as I put my hands on items I liked, I dismissed many, put a few in the basket to try on, and worked my way through the "womens" department. I LONG to shop in the "regular" section.

Someday.

But for now, I will tell you about what it was like to try on clothes.

I knew that I wasn't going to buy a single 3x item. It was the first time in ages.

When I was flipping through the racks of jeans on sale, I felt like I was supposed to get a size 20. I dismissed it thinking that would be depressing, and picked up the 22s and went to try them and the rest of my stuff on. The jeans fit fine. Nothing exciting. I tried on some shirts, eliminating the ones that were between marginal and awful. But I couldn't shake the feeling I should try the smaller size in the jeans.

Now a note about how I shop. I am not a fan. I like to go in, make a pile of things I am going to try on and then pay for the ones that were great and leave. To get dressed and undressed twice in a store is VERY unusual. But, I couldn't shake the feeling I should try on the smaller size, so I did. They FIT!!

It was great!

The last few weeks I have been working hard at not beating myself to a pulp for not eating right ALL the time. I have written about my struggles with it. I know my body needs quality fuel to do what I am asking it to do - shed the pounds it has been holding onto for the last 18 years and become the athlete I was meant to be. I need much less sugar and I am working the gluten out of my eating habits as well. But it is such a process!

I often feel like I am going two or three steps back for every one step forward I take. Turns out I am making more steps forward than I thought. Amazing!

I want to be perfectly clear here, this is a work God is doing in me. He has told me it is His priority for me to focus on this and He would help me do it. And HE is. As I wrote in my last blog, I am trying to hear "yes", "no", "stop" etc. and for the most part, I have obeyed.

Obeying always blesses us. Always. Today He told me to try on smaller jeans. It took a while but I decided to obey, and the blessing - WOW! They aren't even tight!

I feel energized and ready to obey better this next week. And then, maybe, I will get on the scale! It has been a while for that too. About 3 weeks since I experienced the discouragement I found there.

It appears my kids are healthy (I asked God to make sure they were if He wanted me to keep up this hard work He's asked me to do!), I am getting there, and so this week begins another phase of my workouts. Back to strength training!!

Progress?

2010-11-03T14:26:00.000-07:00

It has been a week since I have been to the gym.

I have however, practiced eating like crap, being careful about what I put in my mouth, and then, retreating to my old ways, eating like crap again.

I hate that! I continue to ask the Lord, "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?" as if there is something hideously wrong with me that prevents me from putting healthy life affirming food in my mouth instead of processed sugar and flour products.

He hears me, He understands me, and His grace is sufficient for me. He sent me an angel yesterday. Her name is Jennifer.

Now before you close this, believing your worst fears are true, that I have made up an imaginary friend to survive this trip to health and wellness, I assure you she is very real.

I shared in my Tuesday morning Bible study that I felt like the Lord was asking me to make Him Lord (Adonai - Lord and Master) over every bite I put in my mouth. He is not Lord in this area of my life. I know this because almost every single time He asks me to stop eating, or not to eat "that", I disobey. Nice huh?
The woman who "obeyed" herself into completing a triathlon still hasn't managed to "obey" herself into eating right.

As I shared my struggle with eating right I locked eyes with another woman in the room. I smiled and finished what I had to say. Later, as I was walking out of class, she stopped me. She said she felt like the Lord wanted her to tell me what she was doing in that area of weight loss. Her name is Jennifer.

I looked at the thin, lovely, kind woman in front of me and thought, "I wonder what she's selling, which healthy weight loss product is going to 'help' me according to her." I tried to focus on what she was saying instead of anticipating the sales pitch I have heard a zillion times from a zillion people. Except she didn't.

She told me how she had submitted her eating to the Lord. She told me of a heart condition she has that ANY extra weight she carries can be VERY harmful. She told me that when she is eating something she doesn't really want to eat but is good for her, or she passes on something that she wants to eat but shouldn't, she offers it to the Lord. She says, "I don't want to do this, but this is for YOU God." She chooses to see it as a sacrificial offering to her God.

I could see by the clarity in her eyes and the peace in her countenance that she truly has walked this road for God's glory. She wasn't trying to gain anything from me, but rather give, freely and openly, what God had given her. My eyes welled up with tears and I said "Thank you" at least a dozen times.

There are so many great people out there selling wonderful products whose hearts are in the right place to love and serve others into wellness. But I knew that none of them or the fabulous products they offer me would provide what I REALLY need.

I REALLY need to submit my food consumption to God. Forever.

He has called me to this. He has asked me to give up ownership of myself and call Him Lord in one of the last areas of my life (that I know of thus far) I have not turned over to Him.

As surely as someone may choose to write a deed for their "stuff" to God acknowledging Him as owner, asking Him what to do when His washer or dryer or ? breaks down, I need to see Him as owner of me.

Lord, my ability to choose GOOD healthy life giving food is severely compromised. YOU are God over all of me. In this moment, right now, I submit every bite to You. Because I am Yours, I must listen and obey when You tell me "stop" and "no". Please give me strength to walk this out every day, every bite. Thank You for making provision for support again with someone intimately familiar with my struggle.

This is progress. I have been in the house with a huge bowl of Halloween candy for a day and a half now and not had one bite. I actually have not had sugar since Monday night's candy binge.

I gotta start somewhere! :) Hopefully I can get to the gym on Friday. I really miss that place!!

Traveling Companion

2010-11-01T22:22:00.000-07:00

When we did Financial Peace University we learned a lot about ourselves, how we handle our money and what we need to do differently. The second year, our group decided to make folders of all of our pertinent financial information, insurance plans, etc. This was the cover I made for that notebook.

The pictures remind me of why we work so hard to stay on our budget. But the quote that I want to highlight today is the one in the top left.

I have a great traveling companion. The road is a long one for me. Tonight he didn't say anything when I sucked down several pieces of Halloween candy like a starving vacuum cleaner. He quietly provides prayer and support, encouraging me in every way he can without making me feel as flawed as I am.

The even better traveling companion, who is less comfortable to live with, depending on the issue is the Holy Spirit. He comes with me always, sees what no one else sees and brings conviction in perfect timing, along with grace as I grow into the woman I am called to become. He wants more for me than I want for myself. He longs for me to arrive at my destination in this season with my eyes on Jesus walking, skipping and even running in the abundance He has provided for me.

The last weeks have been consistently challenging to my resolve to continue this journey to health and wellness. I continue to work on it, daily.

I know it is a process. I want to enjoy the process. I can't say I am, YET. But I am glad I am in process... I think. :)

I am a desperate woman!

2010-10-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

Based on Luke 8:40-48 (Re-Post from June with art included this time)

I may not have walked her very same road, but I find myself reaching out for Him, the same way, needing Him, desperately. Today I drew the picture He showed me when I wrote this. It is in pencil on a sheet of copy paper. It didn't scan great, but you can still get the idea.

A Desperate Woman

My desperation for You leads me
From my enforced solitude out to the mob.
My heart cries out for Your attention
Stretching for Your hem I land in the dirt.

The chaos around me is overwhelming.
The stench of the filth and dirt fill my senses,
Yet I reach out with all I have
Knowing You are my only hope.
You alone contain what I so desperately need.

I catch You...

Your gaze upon me is exciting and terrifying at the same time.
You have now exposed me to the others but Your attention,

It alters me...

The look in Your loving eyes enfolds me
And the knowing words from Your lips revive me
Both confirm the healing I feel at my core.

As You turn and move on I know I will never return
To the place I once thought I would never leave.

I am healed.

Processing...

2010-10-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

Having been an avid Star Trek:The Next Generation junkie for years, one of my favorite things said by Data, the android character was "Processing..." The robot who could make a zillion calculations per second still had to take a second or two to process.

Me too. And I am not nearly that efficient!

Today I saw the endocrinologist. I have waited about 6 weeks for this appointment.

They measured me, apparently my 5'7" frame has shrunk, since according to the nurse I am 5'5" now, great, as if my Body Mass Indicator needed any MORE help with calling me obese. And today I weighed in at 277.5lbs. I have gained 7.5lbs of my 25lb weight loss back in the past 3 weeks or so. Ugh. Of course I can excuse myself and say, well, I am neck deep in my menstrual cycle feeling bloated and icky, I was wearing jeans and earrings (lol - I am sure they weigh at least 5lbs :), and well, I haven't really worked out hard for 2 weeks.

Excuses and all, honestly, I am eating crappy, not working out the way I want to and not journaling my food like I should be to keep my caloric intake in check.

I told you, the new me is hear to stay. So what the heck is the deal with the OLD habits running the show?
Will get back to that, but first, what the doc had to say...

He looked at the blood work results that he had done, he asked me a hundred questions or so, and said he was going to do some more in-depth blood tests to rule out a few things, but overall he didn't see any secondary issues behind my being overweight. He actually said that 25lbs of weight loss over 5 months is great.

One of the 100 questions was if I had ever had a consultation about weight loss surgery. I said no, and that I had never really considered it as an option. In my mind, I got myself into this mess and I need to do some good, old fashioned hard work to get back out of it. I asked him if I should be considering it. He told me that with my health being otherwise really good, I had a window to try to lose weight through diet and exercise but it wasn't going to get any easier over time.

I have felt pretty emotional about it ever since. Teetering on tears for hours now, I feel like I have to just let them fall. To help me process my sadness and turmoil, I baked whole wheat, oatmeal chocolate chip and pecan cookies. And I ate several, a few several. Ahhh, can you say meltdown?

My health coach from my insurance company will be reading this at some point. She suggested we focus on the "Stress Management" booklet last week. No doubt. Stress. Yup. I got some of that. In the process of working through the beginning part of the booklet I had to write my low stress vision. This is what I said:

I will function daily with clear purpose, emotional stability, nurturing and nourishing myself and my family with healthy food and activities. I will provide consistent consequences and training for my sons. I will fulfill my destiny to bring encouragement and motivation to others through my writing and through quality healthy relationships. I will be balanced in my personal and family schedule. I will be relaxed, timely in completion of tasks and arriving for events, clear and peaceful directing my sons and with a good balance of rest and activities on my calendar.

Not bad huh? Now how in the HECK to I get there? Well, I haven't read further yet. Will have to let you know later.

But here is the issue for me:

I KNOW my life will look different 2 years from now, just like 2 years ago it looked totally different than today. How long does this transformation, healthy choices healthy living thing take????? Forever as far as I can tell. That does not exactly fill me with hope. It doesn't derail my hope. I just don't feel terribly inspired by that.

What are the roots of these insane drives for using food for comfort, satiating my nerves and my body. The days I eat too much are the days when I feel like there is not enough of me to go around. Why isn't God enough? It isn't like I have barely spent time with Him. I spend hours with Him, every week. Do I lack faith in the transformation He is designing in me? Do I really want to look like I do forever, even if I can lug my huge self through a triathlon?

Why does lap band surgery feel like a cop-out? Why can't I just get down to business and do the work?

As you can tell, I am fresh out of answers, that is why I am processing. Tonight I am hurting over this. Not discouraged, really. Just in pain.

I KNOW this is a life long journey. I know He has called me to step it up and get busy walking in the NEW me. However, I have NO idea how to do that!

I have to start with what I know:
Count my calories
Put good clean food in
Drink my water
Exercise
Don't get discouraged
Just keep going
Cry if I have to but don't stop making small changes.
Get over myself - dessert may not kill me, but it isn't going to help me either
Quit leaning on food
Lean more on God
Sleep

For now, that's all I got. I have been cooped up with the kids for days and desperately need to reconnect with my friend Motivation. Especially since I have 2 little boys who began their pink eye today, so it will be another 4 days of confinement.

Oh Jesus, help me process all of this!

A Weekend to be Thankful For

2010-10-25T16:42:00.000-07:00

The fall variety pack of "crud" has come to our house.

I really have nothing to complain about. We have food, laundry supplies, disinfecting supplies, even a couple of candles to enhance our fall "crud" experience. I did the shopping before we became confined. The kids got sick in a variety of ways Friday evening. Should I blame it on the fact I shopped at WalMart for the first time in a month? Probably not. But I should have known something was up when they were all fairly good, only getting into one play fist fight in the aisle that got out of hand. They lost their Hot Wheels toys I was going to get them for great behavior but they retained their video game privileges.

They haven't left the house since we got home from grocery shopping Friday after school. So if I feel a little stir crazy, I am sure they are going nuts.

Erik and I managed to get out of the house Saturday. I had coffee with a friend a 7am. Once I returned home, we had a few hours of focused family time, then my Love took off to the woods with friends and four-wheelers to ride in the rain and mud. Later that evening, precious Nana came over to play with the boys so we could have dinner with a couple from church who have oversight of Missions at our church. We talked about our relationship with Urban Outreach and our recently formed New Life MOPS ministry. It was a great evening full of sharing our hearts about the the Great Commission and brainstorming ministry outreach possibilities. It was a pretty great day for the grown ups. Mostly.

Saturday evening wasn't so fun, my Love had dry heaves like I haven't seen since pregnancy, my 5 year old's head cold dropped into his chest causing a horrible scary croup cough that took until 2am to get him settled back to bed, an hour later I was awakened by my 2 year old fussing and unsettled with a slight fever. Another hour after that, my oldest son needed a wash cloth to soak his eye open so he could see to go potty. A wild night for sure!

Sunday morning dawned a bit early for all of us. We declared it a jammy day and began our movie, cartoon marathon. I made Pumpkin French Toast (just add 2-3T of pumpkin to regular french toast mixture & oil your pan well) and slacked off on all my usual duties until time came to feed everyone again. We decided to borrow the Star Wars trilogy and show it to the boys since my 6 year old has become obsessed with all things Star Wars. It seemed like a great idea at the time.

But, as you can see by the picture, I did not fully consider how an eye/mind-full of Star Wars would do for my two year old. I would have NEVER let my other two watch the movie at that age, but it totally escaped my protective mommy radar. And I paid for it, not as badly as he did, but I was up in the night several times helping him get past nightmares from visuals he was not prepared to deal with. I felt sad for him. So many things I was so diligent with about his brothers have just slipped through the cracks of my attentiveness. Lord, help me!

After the Star Wars movie, we took a break and carved pumpkins. It was so funny watching each fella be squeamish about sticking their arms into the pumpkin. The older two wanted my help and the youngest, he just went for it! After the boys had enough "pumpkin goo", I finished cleaning them out and got busy carving to order (based on the stencils in the kit I bought).

All that said, today has felt anti-climactic. Sofa surfing, Netflix, breaking up a fight or two, snuggling, tickling, reminding that they need to rest to get better, and trying to excavate the mess that crept in yesterday when I did nothing but cook the required meals. A conversation with the Doc today confirmed tomorrow will look the same as today. Sigh.

How can I complain? I have really healthy kids that come down with an occasional round of "crud" from the places they go. It has been gray and rainy outside so there is no longing to go out to play, our big picture window looks out to our neighbors amazing maple tree that is currently about four different colors, and concentrated snuggle time with any one of my fellas, day or night, is priceless time.

Thank You Lord, for a chance to put the brakes on in life to rest together, play together and enjoy being a family.

The Wellspring: The Beauty of Mucking Through

2010-10-21T15:05:00.000-07:00

The Wellspring: The Beauty of Mucking Through
Reading this today put words to some of what I am processing right now. The transitions of seasons, of life, of relationships.

Today I will let my cyber-friend speak for me, eloquent and deliberate in the wisdom of her words. I treasure this dear one's journey and praise God for our connection.

I pray her words will minister to you as they have me.

Wondering...

2010-10-19T20:47:00.000-07:00

Wondering what this next season is about
I feel so off kilter and disjointed.

I think I am past the anger at the discomfort
Now I wait, for revelation and purpose.

Easily overwhelmed by small things
Jittery and tense about petty details
I wonder.

I don't see the point in asking why
I know He is working out His plan in me

He told me to go about life
Knowing He is present and don't fear.

Still I wonder, how long will the "out of sorts"
and disorientation in my days linger?

Only He knows.
And, for the most part,
I am okay with that.

Here it is... edited

2010-10-18T17:21:00.000-07:00

A friend gave me some advice about editing and I have found myself having trouble just typing away my thoughts and not having much concern about the clarity of my content and such.

Recently I read a different friend's writing (not a blogger) and was not impressed by the massive amount of words, unclear references, slightly off-putting style and spelling errors. I realize I sound a bit snooty, but after my editor friend's advice, it made this other person's writing all the more unsettling.

I am far from perfect in my clarity, "preachy-ness", and typos. And I have been suitably reprimanded. My editor friend talked about respecting your readers enough to be very clear and focused in your writing. Like the difference between coming into a messy house or a clean one.

You may not feel badly about the people who live there (maybe you do, I don't usually mind the mess), you just notice the difference. A clean house is refreshing to walk into. Clear spaces to set your eyes on, fresh smells (not sterile, mind you ;), and it is inviting to come in and take a load off. Messy houses (I know, I've lived in one for years - only recently have I started changing my ways) cause you to work a bit harder to focus on its occupants and the words being spoken. There is "rest" in a messy house, but it isn't as easy to really "settle" in. That has been my experience. Especially in my own space.

This is why I haven't blogged much this past week. I have been processing what my writing should really look and sound like. I don't want it to be a cluttered mess of words, hard to understand and difficult to find relevance in.

I want my writing to be crisp and clear, bringing refreshment and joy, like a walk on the beach at sunrise.

I am SO thankful for my friend enlightening me on this important part of writing. I truly respect those of you who take the time to read what I have to say.

Please forgive me for my past "preaching" and I will be working hard to edit and clarify these writings from now on. Blessings!!!

Something to Say

2010-10-13T14:58:00.000-07:00

I LOVE this song! Written by Matthew West and Sam Mitzell it really has "Something to Say". Will you listen?

I posted a music video a student made with this song earlier today, so if you want to hear it, just scroll down to my last "post" and you will find it there. But here are the lyrics:

Something To Say lyrics

Wake up, 7:32 a.m.
Can't believe it's time to do it over again
Yesterday it took all that you had
And you're wondering if you'll ever get it back
But the whole wide world is waiting for
Waiting for you to step out that door
Come on and let your life be heard today

you got something to say
If you're living, if you're breathing
you got something to say
you know if your heart is beating
you got something to say
and no one can say it like you do
God is love and love speaks through
you got it, you got it
you got something to say

Listen up
I got a question here
would anybody miss you if you disappeared?
your life is the song that you sing
and the whole wide world is listening
well, the answer to your question is
you were created, your life is a gift
and the lights are shining on you today

I love that! It is right on! So many times I hear people say, "I could never write like you do", "I don't know how you do that", etc.

I agree, you aren't supposed to write like me. You are supposed to be you. God picked YOU. For this time, for this season, for this place, for the people you are surrounded by. Listen to Him and then respond. Respond to Him and then obey.

Follow His lead, kindness, truth, justice, love, peace, hope, it's all there in His Word, we are important to those He puts in our path. If you think you aren't, I am quite comfortable telling you that you are wrong. You matter. He wouldn't have made you if you didn't.

SO - in keeping with this "something to say" post, I am going to ask you to COMMENT on this post with something YOU have on your heart to say. You may post anonymously, that is fine, but post something. Listen for a minute, then type.

What do YOU have to say? What do YOU want someone to know? What matters to YOU?

I honestly look forward to what YOU have to say!

Matthew West - Something To Say - Music Video

2010-10-13T14:03:00.000-07:00

A Sacrifice of Praise

2010-10-11T23:18:00.000-07:00

Something neat happened last night.

I was worshiping at one of my favorite locations, listening to the deep rich tones of a beloved friend belt out from her core her love for God and the songs that she felt led to sing, only a few chairs along the edge of the wall, an open expanse of floor, it beckoned me to come, open up, release all to my King, and move however I felt led.

I released my feet from their shoes, looking forward to what was to come.

As I began to dance with the beat of the drum, bouncing, swaying, lifting my hands, I felt the sweetness of His presence, heard the cry of His heart for me, "Rejoice, my Beloved, Rejoice!" "Enjoy this open plain that I have drawn you into, feel the freedom in your step, in your heart, in your mind. I have released so many bonds you have held and have held you. Celebrate my Beloved! Celebrate!"

I smiled, I laughed, I cracked up at my rhythmically challenged motions. Then I saw them. Angels. Lots of them. Dancing with strength, clear forceful motions as if sweeping freedom about the room or trying to spread a fragrance in the entire space. I saw them weave and move between each worshiper. I did not see faces, only silhouettes and impressions of their radiant "bodies". I moved with them, watching their motions and moving with them. It became effortless.

And then,
I started getting tired.

I wanted to stop and just soak, resting in His presence instead of moving in it. The words that came crisp and clear into my heart, "You are built for endurance. I created you for it. Endure my love, offer your weariness and desire to stop, to Me as a sacrifice and keep dancing. You did your triathlon for my glory, two hours and twenty-two minutes, you can do this. You move for My glory, pour it out for me Beloved, we both know you have it in you." I sensed His tender smile and I kept dancing, and started chuckling again because my challenged rhythm was even worse in my weariness. But I danced, and danced, and danced, and just like in my training, I found more of me than I thought I had and I danced some more. It was wonderful!

Again I found myself in awe of how refreshed I could feel at the same time being so physically exhausted. Obedience to God is like that, not all the time, but it definitely seems to work out that way a lot lately.

I drove away, grinning. Refreshed, celebrating, and happily looking forward to coming home to my Love awaiting my return.

We had a wonderful evening together. So thankful, yet again!

For HIM

2010-10-09T21:24:00.000-07:00

I have had a hard time posting the last few days but I am not exactly sure why. It's like my whole mental world has gone on vacation. My mommy-self is still hard at work, the housewifey-self is busy too, but Jennifer, the "me" that writes these blogs, well, I think she just checked out for a bit!

When I prayed about my inability to write I felt nothing really. No conviction. No insight. No nothing.

Well, okay then... :)
But today was different. Today I knew I needed to write. I knew I needed to just start typing and let the words fall out.

My number for my triathlon was 1151. Cool. I have a number from being in a triathlon! Yes, I still have to go back, read my blog, look at the pictures, and really REMEMBER that I did do THAT! Seems a bit silly I bet!

Anyway, a few weeks after my race, I was thinking about numbers. Often I will be praying and a Bible "address" will come to mind. So, I look it up. Sometimes its a Ahh Haa moment, other times I wonder why that number floated to the surface. But, since my race number was "randomly" assigned I decided to look it up in the Bible. Weird huh?

So, I looked up different chapters and verses - Ch 11:51 - there aren't many of those, but I did find one that seemed pretty cool... Psalm 115 verse 1 (in the New International Version)
Here is what it says:

Not to us, O LORD, not to us
but to Your name be the glory,
because of Your love and faithfulness.

HOW COOL IS THAT???!!!

This whole blog about my health, the physical pursuits God is asking me to take, the challenges of taking really great care of myself so I can take really great care of my family, THAT IS IT!!

Not to me --- but to you O LORD, not to me
but to YOUR name be the glory
Because I know that without YOUR Love and YOUR faithfulness, I would have NEVER made it this far. Ever.

The Message says it this way:

Not for our sake, God, no, not for our sake, but for your name's sake, show your glory.
   Do it on account of your merciful love,
      do it on account of your faithful ways.
   Do it so none of the nations can say,
"Where now, oh where is their God?"

He is all about doing this in me. I have been meditating on a few verses lately that have to do with God's glory being revealed. Here they are in the Amplified version:

John 9:1-3

¹AS HE passed along, He noticed a man blind from his birth. ²His disciples asked Him, Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he should be born blind?
³Jesus answered, It was not that this man or his parents sinned, but he was born blind in order that the workings of God should be manifested (displayed and illustrated) in him.

When I was in the spring of my 9th year wanting to have a baby, having been through a whole assortment of crazy events and circumstances, God showed me this passage as if I had never seen it before. I love the gospel of John and have read it many times, but I had never seen this passage as it applied to me in my situation. A few weeks later I was visiting my parents and my Dad asked if I was willing to hear from him on something important. I, of course, said, "yes".

He then brought up this same verse and said, "Jenni, God wants to reveal His glory in you. I wonder if that is why you have had to wait and why you have walked through so many painful trials in this time." He had tears in his eyes, he knew how long and painful the season had been, it was so awful for he and Mom to see me hurting so bad and wait with me. My eyes welled up and said, "yes Dad, I believe that is true. What you are saying to me now is confirmation of what God just spoke to me a couple of weeks ago, I am not waiting for no reason, or because I am not "enough" or "ready". I am waiting so His glory will be revealed." We cried for a few minutes as we soaked in what God had shared with us both. It is truly a treasured memory. Only a few months later, and I was pregnant. Someday I will write about how His glory was revealed in that season.

But for now, this season, this journey, this process of becoming a stronger, healthier, wiser, fitter, faster, leaner, spectacular, amazing, inspiring, delightful, ok, I am getting carried away here, this process is about HIS glory being revealed in me.

Now, I don't think for a second that I haven't sinned in becoming overweight. I certainly have, but because He is so good, and I am so - not, He is using even my sin to show His glory.

It is NOT me! I am not good at this and I am not "strong". I am HIS. And He is mine. I don't want to be some super star - super fit - super hottie woman on my own. I want to be all HIS. My sin and its consequences done away with, my strength coming from Him to make new choices and to walk, run, bike, swim, or lift weights, not my willpower which is not exactly proven itself to be reliable. Ever. Yikes!

Only walking every day in obedience. Living for Him, writing what I am learning, eating what is good for me, loving my family and loving myself, those are the things He is calling me to do - For HIS glory and for only Him.

Thanks for joining me on this wild ride!

An Awesome Day!!

2010-10-05T21:37:00.000-07:00

Awesome is such a wonderful word.

You can communicate so much with just that word...
The definition:

–adjective

inspiring awe: an awesome sight.

showing or characterized by awe.

Slang . very impressive: That new white convertible is totally awesome.

Origin:
1590–1600; awe + -some¹

—Related forms

awe·some·ly, adverb

awe·some·ness, noun

—Can be confused: awful, awesome, offal (see usage note at awful).

—Usage note
See awful.

See! Even the dictionary understands so here is my AWESOME, Awesome, awesome. day!

I put on jeans today I haven't worn in two years!

AWESOME!

I put healthy food in my body most of the day and felt really good about how the day was progressing!

AWEsome!

I wrestled my two year old at a Cross Country race for the school district (about 800ish people) and endured glares, kicks and screaming, aching arms, sore ears, sweaty, grumpy, etc for almost 2 hours.

awesome.

Then I took the gang to McDonalds for dinner though I was tempted to feed my little tantrum man crackers and water, he got nuggets instead. I ate a Quarter pounder with cheese and french fries and half a Sprite.

awesome.

After wrestling my little guy again in front of my friends at AWANA group at church and dropping off my big guys, I had to use a good portion of my weight to strap my little screamer kicking into his car seat AGAIN.

Awesome!

Then, I find myself in the Dairy Queen parking lot, contemplating a Peanut Buster Parfait. I buy it and eat it in front of said screaming 2 year old explaining that he has been too naughty for ice cream and mommy worked super hard today dealing with his grumpy attitude.

awesome.

So, the little temper-master throws another one in AWANA when it's time to pick up his brothers, my head is aching, my arms and back are tired from holding his kicking screaming self once again, and everyone is looking at me, at least sympathetically this time.

AweSome.

Finally, I get my grumpy angel into his jammies, little chompers brushed, and we rock together singing, "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world, red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world."

Awesome.

We pray, me first asking God to wash away the residue of the day, the grumpy looks from strangers, the crabbies from him and me, and we thank God for sleep and feeling better in the morning. Awesome!
I tuck my exhausted angel into bed, saying sleep good and Mommy loves you! and he says, love you Mommy.

AWEsome!

Big guys, my super star racers, memory verse learners, school lovers, they are tucked in too, after working out a small squabble over who knows what. Prayers said, songs sung, "I love you Lord, and I lift my voice, to worship You, Oh my soul, rejoice. Take Joy my King, in what You hear, may it be a sweet, sweet sound, in your ear." Good night boys! I love you! Good night Mom I love you...

AWESOme!

Tomorrow is another day. A chance to start again, enjoying the precious ones I live with, loving the life I have, and celebrating the healthy life I am working and walking out, one day at a time.

AWESOME!!!

For God my Creator - Elohim

2010-10-04T22:33:00.001-07:00

Let all of us declare the glory of Your name!

Your infinite design transcends all fame.

Unending creativity inspired Creation

How we celebrate Your astounding provision!

I’m revealing Your glory through

My thoughts, words and motions

My evident desire to display You

Completely in all my interactions.

I ask for Your Light to shine

Declaring to all that I am Thine

In this day and all that come

May all Your sovereign Will be done.

Your Will revealed declares my best

Within Your presence I choose to rest.

Not striving or in pursuit

But walking, thriving, believing, it.

I commit my all to You

Obeying your Word in what I do

Meditating, Your thoughts exchanged for mine

My flesh submits to being refined.

My purpose revealed each day I dance

Intertwined with You in divine romance.

Sweet Release

2010-10-03T16:02:00.000-07:00

This past week has been a hard one. There have definitely been highlights, but overall, the constant head pain has been a perpetual drain on my mental and emotional energy.

This morning, after church there were the prayer teams up front as is our custom at New Life. I told my Love that I wanted to go get prayer and asked if he would join me. He agreed.

The women standing up front were two spiritual moms of mine. Each has led me, or walked with me, through different challenging seasons of my life in prayer, encouragement, and consistent support. I was so thankful to see them this morning.

My Love stood behind me with his hands on my shoulders, a stance he takes when I go up front for prayer. It is his tender place of authority over me and I find great comfort in it. The women anointed me with oil and prayed for me.

As I listened to their prayers for me there were words that brought a deep response within my heart.
Rest.
Trust.
Release control.
Release fear of headaches.(I once had the same headache every day for 4 years - I was concerned that was going to happen again - they didn't know this)
Release anxiety.
Tension be gone.
Fear be gone.
Supernatural exchange - God's power for my strength.
I could feel the Lord draining the stress from my body. When my Love leaves town I shoulder the responsibility for all of our home, family, activities, etc. I do this automatically. Without even thinking. These past few weeks when he has been traveling so much, the burden, instead of releasing upon his return, just stays because he is leaving again soon.

This morning, with these dear women, and my Love, enfolding me in their arms and hearts, I found release. I found His grace, His power, His healing.

They were speaking of heat in their hands, sensing His presence touching me. I felt only a slight heat, but the outpouring from my eyes and my body made it obvious I was releasing the anxiety and tension I had been stockpiling for weeks.

Then, a prayer for...

Breakthrough.

For the weeks following my triathlon I have been struggling with a fear of being stuck. That my body will always look this way, that I will always struggle with being an athlete in a fat body that doesn't look anything like the health that resides within me.

Today when they prayed, they saw a brick wall. I told them about my fear of being stuck. I told them I know it is not Truth but I haven't been able to shake it. Or pray through it, or get past it.

They prayed and we asked God to demolish the wall and that the crushing of the wall would bring about the fragrance of Christ, as surely as when one crushes flower petals their scent is released even more. I saw, in my mind's eye, the wall demolished with a wrecking ball. There was a path where the ball struck that went all the way to the ground. The bottom bricks of the wall on either side of the path were all that was left of the wall itself. I asked the Lord about those and believe He told me that I might trip on them if I don't walk the path He has laid before me. But if I stick on the path, my stride will not be interrupted.

The word DEMOLISH is a strong one. It leaves no question in what it means. Neither does this passage:
"³For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Wikipedia says "A stronghold is a strongly fortified defensive structure."

There are many "strongholds" in my heart and mind that I have demolished in this season of my life. The pursuit of health and wellness has brought about all kinds of healing as the bricks turn to rubble as I choose to go in a new direction.

The thing is, there is always something new God wants us to release to Him. Once we demolish one stronghold, another place where we have put up our defenses reveals itself. He doesn't make us demolish them all at once because He knows about process. He knows what we need to learn, when we need to learn it and how long each demolition will take.

So, as the residue of my tension fades in the quiet ache remaining in my head, I know that the full healing comes as I continue to REST, TRUST, exchange my strength for His power, and release the tension/anxiety to Him.

This has become quite long, so I will continue some more on this topic in another post tomorrow. Thanks for your prayers!

Thankful! - This is VERY intense... just warning you...

2010-09-28T21:44:00.000-07:00

How often we compare our lives to the lives of those around us!

It really is kind of a habit we just get used to. I see my sons comparing themselves, what they have or don't have already at the ripe old ages of 5 & 6. It seems I am constantly talking with them about being grateful. I guess it can't ever be said or taught enough. Certainly when the culture is filled with "you need... you should... if only you had..."

I have felt that way lots. I have fallen prey to the marketing, the unspoken suggestions, the bold face merchandising that minimizes who you are only to maximize their profits.

I had a rather troubling experience happen just after my miscarriage about 3 1/2 years ago. One month to the day after I had lost the baby I heard one of those hideous news stories about a baby found in a trash bag outside an apartment building. There was a fire station (a drop off point for babies where "no questions are asked") just down the street.

I was enraged. How could the kind, loving, promise fulfilling (based on God's promise to me I would have a baby) God make me give up a baby and then give a baby to a Mom who would literally dump it in the garbage!! Crushed and angry I cried hard while my Love tried to console me. I was so mad at God for allowing that! But, as I do, out of habit and the knowledge of who He really is - GOD, I took it to Him in prayer.

It wasn't one of those polite, "Dear Lord, please..." prayers. It was more like "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING??? HOW CAN YOU MAKE ME GO THROUGH MY BABY DYING WHEN I WANTED HER SO BADLY AND GIVE THAT HORRIBLE WOMAN A BABY THAT SHE PUT IN THE GARBAGE!!!"

He, like He does with me (and many others I have talked to about such things) whispered into my spirit, "I know you don't understand. I love you. You know I weep with you over your baby and the one that his mother chose to dump. I know what lies ahead for you. I know what lies ahead for her. Trust Me with My plan for your life, even when it hurts. Even when you are angry. I promise I am in control. Do not judge her or me by the sin of this world. I am working out a different plan in her life. I was there. I held that baby. He is with Me. I hold your baby too. She is with Me. Do not try to fathom the sin of the world and how My plans and My blessings will unfold. Just be who you are, trust Me and I will be who I AM."

I know that is not word for word, but as I felt led to write this I asked Him to refresh what He told me that night.

My point in sharing this is: We have NO idea what He is working out in our lives or in the lives of those around us. That is why He tells us in scripture not to judge others. We don't have any way of knowing His plan for our lives, let alone His plan for theirs.

This is why we must be THANKFUL. The path God is asking us to walk, one day at a time is unique to us. Our path will never be the same as another, even our spouse.

I am thankful for our baby girl in Heaven. My sons asked me just the other day if she was still a baby or if she was growing up in Heaven. I told them I have no idea. We will find out when we get there. They miss her too. She would have been three this month (her due date was the day I ran my triathlon). I am thankful for the short time I held her in my womb. I love that I will see her again someday. I praise God for letting me know He holds her since I cannot.

I am also very thankful for the guys I share my life with. My three sons and my Love are true gifts and I wouldn't trade my third son for anything or anyone.

Being thankful for what we have been given, hard times and all takes practice, discipline, and focus. We must practice thanking God, thanking others, and being thankful for all we have been given. We must be disciplined to be thankful when the circumstances around us are awful, finding the small joys even in the midst of great pain. And we must focus on being thankful when we seem to have huge needs that threaten to overtake us, choosing to see the blessings that exist already.

Even as I continue to battle my old habits, create new ones and reinforce good ones I have to remain thankful for all of it. It is not my place to compare another life with mine. It is my place to see and use what I have been given. I can move. I can cook my own meals. I have money for groceries. I can teach my sons how to take good care of their bodies to name just a few... There is A LOT to be thankful for, even when it is a hard day.

Praising the Lord, putting my headache to bed, and praying you received what God had for you out of this INTENSE bit of writing.
God bless you!

State of Mind...

2010-09-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

Clint Black is one of my most favorite Country Western stars. I even liked him on the Apprentice!
I fell in love with him and his music twenty years ago, working at my first job ever at the local feed store in the town I grew up in. The handsome cowboys, the wrangler jeans, the assorted country music tunes floating through the dust and fragrance of hay, sweet feed, and shavings. To this day, that season of my life remains a treasured time.

Today, when I went downstairs to workout while my youngest napped (he was sick - so no going to the gym today) I found the only music in the downstairs cd player was Clint Black's Greatest Hits. Now, this is the first time I have worked out, yes, this whole time, without a background of Christian music. But, as I prayed, I felt led to just listen, workout, even dance a bit and listen. Listen to the memories. Listen to the sound of his voice and the feelings that well up from my soul of days gone by...
This song came on, seriously one of my all time favorites - EVER:
Here is a link to the video -
State of Mind video

State of Mind by Clint Black
Got a big leather suitcase, all I own's inside
Seems I've been walkin' for days, can't even bum a ride
Try steppin' to a tune, with the rhythm of a walkin' man
Mind drifts like a big balloon out of my situation at hand

Ain't it funny how a melody can bring back a memory
Take you to another place in time
Completely change your state of mind

Walkin' down a lonely highway not feelin' alone
Thinkin' back when things went my way and not the road I'm on
Well, I've been down a time or two, but it never lasts long
I can always make it through on a wing and a prayer and a song

Ain't it funny how a melody can bring back a memory
Take you to another place in time
Completely change your state of mind

It can make a right from a wrong, it can make you fall in love
It can get you singin' along

Chase the clouds away and make the sun shine above
A melody can bring back a memory
Take you to another place in time
Completely change your state of mind

A melody can bring back a memory
Take you to another place in time
Completely change your state of mind

I love that! That is what God did for me today. A fun tune from my past drew me back to a place I loved and a season of joy and peace in my life.

As I was exercising and listening to this song today I was so thankful for that season and so grateful for the one I am in now. I don't have a clear vision of where I am headed physically on this path to health and wellness, I just know I am not alone in it and God is providing for me, treasured memories to remind me of the wonderful places I've been and what is yet to come.

I am headed to bed now, looking forward to what He has planned for tomorrow. Treasuring the memories and knowing that the best is yet to come!
I Believe it!

The Process of Life...

2010-09-26T22:13:00.000-07:00

This picture is of my Love and I before the wonderful wedding we attended yesterday.

Someone asked me if it is hard not to "create my own reality" writing my blog. I told her no, I prayerfully consider what I write and do my best to be as real as possible.

SO - in the spirit of reality I share the following:

This morning I woke up dreading my Love's departure later this afternoon. I switched laundry, tossed some on the couch downstairs (it's still there by the way), and got in the shower.
I wanted him to feed the kids but when he did, I interrupted and he was annoyed.
We were almost 30min late to church because I had to apologize and we had to work out our various grievances
Then we were asked to serve communion after a well-preached message on forgiveness. Whew! So glad we worked out our junk BEFORE we got to church!
He helped me load everyone up and he headed off to the airport and I took the troops home.
My oldest wished for a bow and arrow to fight the enemy. I told him he really needed the sword of the spirit and memorizing his Bible verses will make him a powerful warrior. He believed me. I am thankful. NOTE to SELF - FOCUS on scripture memory, for them and for me!!
I think I had a turkey burger with cheese on sourdough bread for lunch. The kids had pasta and milk.
We ALL took a nice long nap.
I was crabby, dreading the week ahead without my Love.
There were several opportunities for me to respond with significant correction to my sons and instead I yelled or blew it off. NOTE to SELF - DO NOT make a habit of that... it will not go well in the long run!
I apologized. In front of them, first to God and then to them. They all forgave me. Again.
I rocked, prayed for and sang with my youngest and tucked him in. Refusing him his 3rd drink and telling him there would be trouble if he threw a fit. He chose wisely.
I read the "real" Bible without pictures per my oldest son's request. We read about Nicodemus in John 3. They liked that their AWANA verse (3:16) was in the "real" Bible. Well, I suppose eventually they will make the connection - NOTE to SELF - SHOW them in the "real" Bible where their AWANA verses come from!
After tucking the boys in bed I decided I needed something yummy. I proceeded to cook black beans from scratch (starting with dry beans) and then make it into turkey chili. Yummy, except I burnt it. Not so yummy on the bottom... bummer.
Then I decided I needed something yummier :) Yes, I am sure that is a word since there is no squiggly red line under it. I made myself chocolate frosting from scratch. Only to find there was NOTHING (because I have been so careful to keep junk out of my house) to put it on! I settled for a bag of pretzels and swiped them through the frosting. That and a big glass of milk finished me off.
After some guilt ridden feelings I console myself with the fact that I am in process. Every day. My goal to be healthy and fit is going to last for the rest of my life. For every unhealthy food choice I make, I am making at least 3 healthy ones...
My kitchen looks like it exploded and now I am going to go to bed. After I put the homemade turkey and black bean chili in the fridge!

So there you have it. My life in process. Some good stuff, some not so good stuff, but all a part of the process.
Sweet dreams!

Enchanted Evening...

2010-09-25T23:16:00.000-07:00

I follow a blog/website called Adding Zest to Your Nest and it has given me great tips, pointers, and insightful information from godly women about the marriage relationship. But we didn't need any extra help tonight! I encourage you to check it out some time. It will likely bless you!

On the way to a dear friend's wedding tonight I announced to my Love that my love tank was full (old Gary Chapman analogy from The Five Love Languages) and I was happy. I warned him to be careful not to pull the plug... we both laughed.

We enjoyed watching the bride and groom exchange their vows amongst their friends and family. Their tenderness for each other, the blessing of their parents, and the wise words of their Pastor refreshed our memory of our own precious day, now almost 19 years ago.

Then we headed to the reception. Good friends, old friends, visiting, laughing, a couple of drinks, more laughing, celebrating, sweet toasts, jokes and memories told, and then dancing! We danced and danced and laughed at how awkward we felt but didn't care! We bounced around enjoying the other dancers, some we knew and some we didn't. It was, the only word I can think of, exhilarating. So amazing to be uninhibited by what others might think of me. I even was told by a good friend how beautiful I looked - and I BELIEVED her!

This is the new Jennifer - I know I am not perfect or even where I want to be physically, but I want to LOVE every moment right NOW. There is no reason to hold back. REALLY. Why? What time should I waste wondering or worrying about others perception of who I am instead of living who I KNOW I am???

Wow. I hope that revelation sticks... It's a good one. I believe it will - It is God's heart for me. I am sure.

This time last year...

2010-09-24T22:36:00.000-07:00

I have been pondering how much has changed since then.

September 2009 found me sending off my oldest son to Kindergarten, having 2 little guys still at home and calling on my Mom to come and watch all 3 while I went out of town to the MOPS Convention in Nashville. I had an amazing time. God fed me in the training, the encouragement, and most specifically the confirmation that I was to bring a MOPS group to New Life for working and single moms. It was a wonderful time of celebration and savoring a new vision for the coming years.

During my time in Nashville I had an evening out with a woman I knew from years past. We had connected a bit on Facebook, but since I was going to be in the area, she packed up her four kids and came and took me out to dinner. We had a wonderful dinner at Rainforest Cafe and really precious deep heart conversations. Several times we both broke into tears of empathy, gratitude for God's bringing us together, and laughter. That long weekend in September was a turning point in my life.

My friend and I continued to talk occasionally, but when October rolled around and I looked at this picture of me, I knew SOMETHING had to be done. I felt alive, beautiful and full of joy the day this picture was taken, until I LOOKED at it.

It is actually a pretty great picture of our family if it weren't for my Love's head being cut off and me unable to look past the shape of my body to the joyful smiles of my family.

So, I called my friend in Tennessee (yes, I have other friends closer but she was the one I felt led to call), who, by the way is a health and fitness focus person. She jumped online and sent me two books to get me started. They were a great help and so was her telephone and email coaching. I cried a lot. I felt embarrassed a lot. I felt like everyone in the gym was staring at me. I felt like I was trying to remove my fat, one cell at a time. It was REALLY hard the first few months. I had almost forgotten how hard it was...

UNTIL TODAY.

I told you yesterday about my being nervous about going into the weight room. Well, it was worse, I didn't even REMEMBER to be nervous about what it feels like to start a new workout routine!

I did my warm up confidently. I walked back to the back corner of the upper level which is often pretty quiet and opened my book with the exercises in it. ALL NEW ONES! Ugh! I had read through them 2 or 3 times before but that didn't make DOING them any easier.

I felt awkward and unsure of myself. Some of them hurt and so I stopped. Others I could do and felt the fresh burn of carving new muscle out of puny flesh. When you work out for even a short time you quickly discover the difference between "good pain" and "bad pain". I experienced BOTH today. I didn't hurt myself but I was terribly self conscious of my body, my movement, and the people around me (who of course could care less what I was doing!).

Once I got through the ones I could figure out, I headed downstairs to the weight room. I walked around a bit, trying to figure out what piece of equipment resembled what I was supposed to use according to the book. I finally found it and there were 3 men in 4 spaces using it.

I walked out of there. I chickened out, whispering a prayer asking God to forgive me and knowing I would have to confess to all of you that I bailed on my workout today. He told me to just wait. So I did. I talked with the trainer I know and he brought me back into the weight room and showed me how to use the equipment I needed. He also adjusted some of the exercises I was trying to do and made them more "do-able" for me. I was so grateful! God knew I needed help and provided just the encourager and coach I needed. Again!

As I continue to reflect on the sedentary but content me from a year ago to the active, energized, NEW me today I find myself at a loss. Yes, I am serious.

Because, like I said at the beginning, I am doing something new AGAIN. I forgot how hard it is to chart new territory. A few months ago I wrote a blog about a painful workout. Again today I was in pain. Charting new territory emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Funny thing though, not once did I consider not going back and doing that workout again. I will be there. Monday morning. Working out. Pushing through the good kind of pain, letting go of the anxiety of transition and reaching out for the new places God has put ahead of me.

The verse that has resonated in my spirit during this season of incredibly slow weight loss, not hardly any changes in clothing sizes or fit, and barley a noticed change in the mirror is this one:

Habakkuk 3:17-19
¹⁷ Though the fig tree does not bud
       and there are no grapes on the vines,
       though the olive crop fails
       and the fields produce no food,
       though there are no sheep in the pen
       and no cattle in the stalls,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
       I will be joyful in God my Savior.
¹⁹ The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
       he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
       he enables me to go on the heights.

It translates to me this way:

Regardless of the outward evidence I see of my inward transformation,
no matter what size I continue to wear,
Despite the fact that I expected to have changed more by now,

I rejoice in the LORD, my joy is in God my Savior,
HE is my strength
HE makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
HE enables me to go on to the heights - the path HE purposed for me.

You see, it doesn't matter what the evidence is - according to my eyes. What matters is my heart obeying Him. Walking the path He has laid before me. Yes, there are a few changes, and I have lost 25lbs. I do look a little different

I press on and keep at it, because I KNOW He has called me to this, He is equipping me for this, I am walking this out, one step at a time. For Him alone.

A new season is just uncharted territory waiting to be discovered. Awesome!

Sore Thighs and Muscle Memory... how far does muscle memory go back?

2010-09-23T22:41:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I am REALLY sore today.

It hurts to sit down, it hurts to stand up. It hurts to twist, it hurts to bend.
You get the picture.

But, that means, my body still works. Do my muscles remember? I remember feeling like this before!

Muscle memory is a powerful thing and I am counting on it. I spent six months working on strength training before I switched to my triathlon training. I have missed it. Yes, really.

I really like feeling my body work hard, the ache in my muscles after a hard workout, the knowledge that I am continuing to burn calories for a full 24 hours after I workout. I love the strength being created in me.

After the first 2 weeks of major aches and pains, the transition to the "powerhouse" feeling instead of the wimp pushing through sore parts to just get through the workout.

Tomorrow though, that will be different... REALLY different.
I have to go into the weight room. Yes, the space reserved for testosterone laden sweat junkies who think that after bench pressing each others body weight for a few hours they will posses super human strength or at least super powers over the opposite sex.

An overweight mother of 3 is not likely to find a workout buddy there, BUT, it is the Kroc center and I have yet to meet anyone who has been rude. Mostly friendly folks with a decent number of people who don't even see me. The above concept of the "weight room" is just a guess, since I haven't been in a real weight room since I was in High School weight training class, which incidentally, I LOVED.

Do my muscles remember back that far? I have no idea. I guess I will find out tomorrow. Or after 2 weeks it won't even matter, I will be back to feeling like a powerhouse and ready to work hard to see some big changes in my body.

Time will tell!

My First Workout

2010-09-22T22:00:00.000-07:00

Right now I am totally exhausted.

But earlier today, I had a wonderful workout. Every moment I felt my body coming back to life. It was such a great experience!

That is really all I've got tonight. I am just SO super tired.

Hoping to sleep well tonight. Hoping all my guys sleep tonight.

Will let you know...

To Goal or not to Goal... and no, I am not taking up soccer... yet.

2010-09-21T19:34:00.000-07:00

I have set up goals for myself. I have reached them.

Tonight however, I am falling short of the goal post. I am very tired, I did not plan ahead, I let myself get too hungry and then -- WHAMMO! Blew my calorie counting out the window. I don't even want to journal it to see how far off target I went.

Yes, for all of you who think I am some super inspirational hero... I ate TOO much today.

And - I am TOO tired to feel guilty about it.

But, just for fun, I will share with you what my goals REALLY are and maybe you will feel led to pray me through them.

The sarcastic voice in my head that is NOT the voice of God says, "It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a huge network of prayer warriors and friends for Jennifer to lose weight!" Ick.

That makes me feel yucky.

But, SO WHAT!? What if it does take a whole slew of prayer warriors, intercessors, friends, and family to get me to the place God has for me to be physically?

Would we as the Body of Christ think my need was any less necessary to pray over than someone battling cancer, a drug addiction, or a bad marriage, is my weight issue and the stuff tied to it any less relevant?

I don't know.

One thing I do know, it isn't to God. And if He calls you to pray for me, I am grateful.

I have not made it this far on my own power and I won't make it to a healthy, physically fit, athletic lifestyle from here without His help. And yours too if you feel led.

No, I don't really want you reminding me I should not eat this or that, but just pray. The old Jenn is long gone but this new one feels a little out of place. Sounds strange maybe, but that is how I feel - strange.

Here are my goals for this week:

Exercise: Workout on Monday, Wednesday, Friday at the gym. 30 minutes of weights/30 minutes of cardio alternating bike/run/swim Bonus activity on weekend Set out gear the night before workouts.
Nutrition: Log food daily Hit calorie targets of 1600-1700 calories per day Eat starchy carbs in the morning and after workouts. Eat vegetable and fruit carbs in the latter part of the day: 2 fruits and 3 vegetables. Stay off processed foods; stick to brown rice. Hit protein goal daily: around 101 grams

So, there you have it, my actual goals. The exercise part will be an 8 week focus. The nutrition focus is week to week.

I hope this hasn't been TOO revealing... of course, what I have just shared compared to the pictures I posted of my triathlon is probably nothing!

Blessings and THANK YOU!

Inspiring People that Inspire Me? Is that even possible?

2010-09-20T22:52:00.000-07:00

I wrote a note today to a woman who I have referred to many times. Her book The Female Body Breakthrough was the first fitness book I ever read that made me believe I could really become, to use her words a "Fit Female". Her Credo is taped to my kitchen cabinet, so I can read it when I empty the dishwasher. Or when I need a reminder of how to BE a Fit Female.

Rachel Cosgrove really made me believe I could become the athlete I always wanted to be and believe I was designed to be. She posted something on her blog tonight that really got my attention. SHE has been through some personal physical struggles. Yes, I did know she was human, and yes, she is consistently transparent in her writing and her speaking, but the way this blog was written, it stirred something in me.

We all LIVE. Our lives are hard, easy, challenging, sad, crazy, fast, slow, boring, routine, exciting, and any number of things. But we all LIVE, no matter how famous we are.

It is how we CHOOSE to LIVE that makes us inspiring or not, I think.

I didn't set out to write this blog so I could inspire anyone. I wrote it because, one of the points in the Fit Female Credo is to journal. I have written in a journal most of my life, but this time, I knew it had to be different, I needed to be more public to really make me honestly look at all the pieces of the puzzle of me.

So, I wrote her what I hope will be an encouraging note. It felt odd, encouraging someone who is a best selling author, an internationally known fitness expert and coach to many other fitness experts, but I did it.

I pray it is a blessing. She has blessed me and I am so thankful for her.

There are many of you who say I inspire you. It continues to be quite humbling, because several of you are actually athletes yourselves. Some of you know it, many of you will find your inner athlete, and some of you reading this now, will wonder, can I be a fit female too?

The answer -- YES!!

Angels in Spandex, or Lycra, or polyester...

2010-09-19T21:50:00.000-07:00

Never underestimate the power of your words.

There were many men and women who blessed me with kind words throughout my race.

How many people are you blessing with your words?

I am more aware of my appearance, my physical fitness, my mental endurance and my emotional capacities since my race last week. I am also more aware of my words to my husband, sons, other family and my friends.

We all know words are powerful, but do we really take very long to consider what comes out of our mouths - consistently?

I was listening to friends talk not to long ago about a mutual acquaintance who was having some life struggles. The friends are good people and well meaning in their concerns but the words were not speaking life into the situation.

It reminded me that no matter what I talk about, who or what I am discussing, I need to speak life and blessing. Even into hard situations that I don't understand.

Those men and women who passed me, fit tight bodies wrapped in the most efficient athletic apparel were angels to me. They spoke life into me, a total stranger, as I was working hard to live my dream. I have no idea what their spiritual background was or what their motivation was to call out to me, "great job", "keep up your efforts", "you can do it", "don't give up", etc. but their words of life gave me what I needed to finish my race strong, just as I wanted to.

Are you speaking life to the people around you? The checker at the grocery store, the little person who is sleeping in the next room, the person you sleep next to, the person who sat beside you in church this morning, the friend who has been living in a personal crisis?

There are so many people you and I see every day. We have no idea what they need to hear, but God knows. Listen for His prompting about what to say, and if you find yourself in a group of people discussing someone struggling for prayer purposes or otherwise, don't get suckered into negativity or unfair assessments, but speak life.

Speak words of blessing and encouragement into the situation. Express HOPE for the situation. YOU can change the direction of the conversation or even someone's journey by your words. Don't underestimate the blessing of "The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry" (Proverbs 25:11-The Message).

God created this world with His words. He gave us His Word - "Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit—you choose." (Proverbs 18:21-The Message).

Let's use what He has given us wisely. Please. He loves all of us. Let us love others as He has loved us, and let's start with the way we use our words.

You too might be an angel - in denim, spandex, cotton, lycra, or polyester to someone just like me!

Gearing up and unwinding -- AT THE SAME TIME???

2010-09-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

Today is a cloudy family day at home.

I have baked my last loaves of WHITE bread for a while, grilled hamburgers for lunch, cleaned my kitchen, scrubbed our bathroom, read to my sons, showered, watched my Love wash all the windows and keep the laundry going, and tucked my youngest in for his afternoon nap.

I also still need to do: get the ribs in the oven roasting, empty the dishwasher and reload, find something I don't find ridiculously expensive to order for the kids (one item each) PTA fundraiser (NO, I will not be ordering the cookie dough!), decide what books to order through the school book club (one of my FAVORITE things to do!), hang up the chore charts for the big boys and remind them how they work, and get the meat I picked up on sale yesterday cooked, bagged and in the freezer.

I feel so at ease, relaxed in my sweats, nothing to prepare for today except next week... no biggie right?

Next week begins my new workout program, clean eating (as in - NO JUNK FOOD - you know what that stuff is... I know you do...;), cross country practice at 8am for the boys, AWANA, my Tuesday am Bible Study Lord, I Want to Know You by Kay Arthur, and our Financial Peace University group.

It also begins a new season of my journey towards healthy living.

I will keep you posted on how it is going... daily ... as often as possible.

Recovering!

2010-09-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

It has been a crazy week.

Then challenge of the triathlon over it was time to launch MOPS at my church. Our first meeting went very well I think.

Today I find myself continuing in the somewhat dazed state I have been in since my triathlon. I am buying groceries, doing laundry, scrubbing the toilet, you know, the things we mom's just DO. But somewhere in the back of my head I am still processing this major event.

I wonder about the moment I decided to do it. I think about the times when I loved the training, and the times I hated it. I have pondered what I should do next and when or if I should sign up for my next race.

Today I looked longingly at my borrowed bike. It calls to me, beckoning me to climb on and feel the wind wash over my face, the muscles in my legs pushing on the pedals, my hands shifting gears to make the ride smooth and consistent.

I also contemplated my running shoes. My feet haven't been in them for almost a week now. I miss them. I never thought I would miss running. It is my least favorite of the three sports, but I do.

I have looked through the pictures of the triathlon the professional photographers took of the racers. I look so different than most of them, not just the size of my body, but the look on my face. All the pictures except one I am grinning. Some I am smiling ear to ear, others just a grin, and the one that I am not smiling, I was focused intently on getting up the hill the photographer was sitting on.

I see the size of my thighs, my neck, my bust, but I see beyond that as well, the work God did in me that day is evident in my pictures. My shape was irrelevant to the performance I knew I could do, the visual aesthetics of my attire were not considered significant, and the "fanciness" of my equipment was not even an option.

You see what He did in me that day was this (as far as I can clearly communicate it today):
- I broke an old expectation of getting hurt before a big athletic event that I have had since I was 12.
- I experienced living a dream that was exclusively and only up to me (working through all of the training)
- I destroyed the expectations of myself and others have of me based on my physical appearance
- I indulged in the first of many exhilarating effects of consistent care and maintenance of my body
- I believed, finally, that the Freedom He promised me from the bondage of my weight was REALLY going to happen
- I loved finishing something. Completely. Without reservation or hesitation.
- I savored all the encouragement all those competing with me poured out for me
- I resonated with the Power of God that raised Christ from the dead living in me, through me, and catapulting me into the next season of my life.

I will never be the same. I am thankful for that. The old me, she is gone. The new me, she is all the great stuff the old me had but better and with extra special education on the blessing and power that comes through walking obediently as God lovingly requests.

Post Triathlon Days

2010-09-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

So, the last couple of days have been a little weird.

I am at a loss. A little depressed and VERY tired. I underestimated what it would take out of me to do this amazing feat. I expected to feel a 'letdown' of sorts, but not this...

My brain feels like mush, the tiniest tasks feel overwhelming, and I go between not wanting to eat at all and not caring what I eat to get my stomach to quit growling.

The only thing that I am really enjoying to the fullest is my kids. They are cracking me up. We are reading lots of stories and playing outside. I loved having to bathe my youngest tonight because he was coated in so much dirt, especially on his face that he looked like he was wearing an eye patch!

I don't really have a lot else to say. This phase of "recovery" is pretty strange. I hear it is normal. That is good to know because I feel pretty nuts compared to the drive and focus I had last week.

I am trying to get details handled with MOPS starting Thurs night for the year and it is taking all the brainpower I have!

I have to admit it is really cool to be so out of it I don't care intensely about anything but my kids. I know God has the rest of it in His capable hands so I will just rest, try not to eat anything too crazy and get some good sleep!
Sweet Dreams!! :)

My Triathlon

2010-09-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

It is hard to know where to start exactly.

In my The Night Before blog I alluded to my Love and I having a hard time. It was awful actually. "Strife" is what they used to call it in our marriage group we were a part of 10 years ago... I am not exactly sure what all was going on below the surface for him, but for me, the pre-race tension and the panic of the one person who has been neck deep in this with me changing his mind at the last minute was terrifying. We hadn't had a fight in months and it seemed to be the worst day imaginable for one. I was neck deep in it before I realized it could be a spiritual attack. Once I made that realization, I could almost smell the sulfur in the air. My heart and mind immediately settled back into the truth - My husband loves me more than his own life. He has faithfully supported me in every way possible and released me with his blessing to do this. Whatever is happening now is not a direct reflection of his desire for me to complete this challenge before me and finish well. -- We REALLY need to remember in the midst of "strife" what our spouse's TRUE heart for us is, not whatever the topic of the moment is.

The peace quickly pushed the frantic anxiety away and settled in. The service the night before was exactly what I needed. More TRUTH poured in, more tension released.

As I snuggled down (alone so I wouldn't be disturbed by anyone else's lack of sleep - specifically my fellas :) in the borrowed bed, multi-colored striped sheets and blanket in a soft pink painted bedroom, I thanked God for His peace (Philippians 4:7). I slept SO well. It was wonderful.

I woke up at 5:50am. I didn't feel tired, just ready. I started drinking my water. I planned to consume roughly 64oz of water before I left the house. I ate my leftover brown rice noodles and 3 scrambled egg whites. The entire morning there was not one hint of stomach upset. Literally my WHOLE body was at peace.

My friend and her hubby loaded my bike on her car so she could take me to get set up. Our Love's would come a little later with all of our kids.

When I walked out the door of their home, I smelled my favorite smell, the ocean. It was another early blessing in a long day that would be filled with them.

My "stuff"

We headed off toward Lake Stevens at 6:45am as planned. Just a short stop for gas on the way and we arrived in plenty of time. She left me at the curb to park the car and then came back to help me get my gear to the transition area to set it up.

I became a little "jittery" at that point wondering if I would remember all I had learned, specifically what "Iron Tony" had told me about how to set up my transition area. I asked a few questions of the gal whose bike I was next to and it all came back. Whew!

I lay my towel, shoes, helmet and such out for a quick grab once I got back from the swim. The excitement began building as I looked around at all the other athletes getting ready too. I forgot my size and shape and felt like I fit in. I had trained for this event, just like them, I had practiced and planned and prepared. I KNEW I was ready for this.

I greeted my parents, my mother-in-law, and the Love's who brought our kids before I headed out to get in the water. I discarded my sweatshirt with only a half-second thought for the amount of my flesh that would be exposed. Releasing it all to the Lord, eyes on Him, I walked in to the super duper ridiculously cold water.


The water was 65degrees that morning. I am allergic to latex so I had to wear my silicone cap under the latex one they gave me. I was a little freaked out by the places where I could see bubbles coming up from the bottom but couldn't see the bottom!! ICKY!!! I focused on talking with the other gals wading in with me.

Once in deeper I waited for the start by looking around, deliberately not contemplating the other creatures swimming around with me, enjoying the sky, the excitement in the air and in my own heart as I was about to begin my greatest physical challenge thus far.

Once the countdown was complete, I took off in the pack. It was about 30 women so there wasn't really any claustrophobic sensation (I had been warned that it can get pretty crazy at the beginning of a swim). Everyone was polite as they bumped or kicked into me, 'pardon me', 'sorry', 'oops', it was all very friendly. I never felt worried, I just began to swim.

My swim training both in the lake and in the pool just kicked in. "Bubble, Bubble, breathe..."

I stayed right on track swimming out the 200m to the giant orange buoy. I felt my body shift from warm up mode to full swim mode. It felt great. Then, once I was around the buoy I noticed something pretty inconvenient. I couldn't see the boat ramp area where we were to get out of the water. I am near-sighted and without my glasses, the shore was literally unidentifiable. YIKES! I couldn't just put my head down for 3-5 strokes and pop up like I had to sight for the buoy. I had to look, every other stroke or two for the heads of those swimming beside me and up ahead. It was annoying to know that just as my body was ready to kick into full swim mode I had to keep stopping to get my bearings. As I got closer I could hear the cheering of the crowd and see the very fuzzy dock. I got some good hard strokes in, once freaking myself out by the water rushing under my body, then realizing it was my own stroke pushing the water out of my way!

As I was exiting the water, a woman (about half my size) was wobbling in front of me, I steadied her so she wouldn't fall on the shallowly covered cement and felt another person use my rear to steady themselves. I chuckled a bit on the inside thinking that I must look like a "substantial" support compared to their tiny wobbly frames. I started up the rocky cement feeling the cold bumpy ground on my chilled feet.


My Love, cheering me on as I head for the transition area.

I was already planning how to get into my shoes the fastest and get on with the bike portion. I was bummed I forgot to empty my bladder in the lake so I wouldn't have to stop later. My transition time from the swim to the bike was just under seven minutes. It is amazing how hard it can be to dry your feet and put socks on when your fingers are numb. The transition area was almost empty when I got there reminding me that I had better get going!


Finally my feet were dry and I got some "gel" in me and a bottle of electrolyte drink and headed off for the roller coaster bike ride. Little did I know that it would be more exciting than I imagined.

I got on my bike and headed out. I was at the back of the pack so I didn't see anyone else until I got to the first hill. I spotted a young guy, about 13, ahead of me on a BMX style bike. Okay then... As I was heading up my first BIG hill trying to stay confident and focused on keeping my knees in and my heels down, I see a large black dog catapulting toward me barking viciously. Instinctively I let out this deep, loud yell that was apparently enough to stop him in his tracks, I never heard another peep or saw his furry self again. The kid in front of me said, "that dog really scared you didn't he?" and through my gasping for air as I pedaled up the hill past him, "yes, he sure did!"

As I crested the hill, I settled in for the up and down, twisting turning wild first half of the bike ride. I even yelled, "wheeeee" on a couple of the big downhills. Why not? There was literally no one else around, and I wanted to enjoy every minute I could. Besides, the night before, during worship, my mom said she was praying for me and saw this picture of me going down this steep hill with angels on either side holding on to me and all of us with delighted smiles on our faces yelling "wheeeeee"! So I did!

I could feel my energy stores depleting as I climbed the last couple of small hills before the turn around. I knew I needed to stop and get some fluids in me and another gel. I had to STOP because in all the time I did ride my bike I could never successfully grab my water bottle from my bike frame or balance long enough on my bike to do anything but wipe my nose or brush a stray hair off my face.

As I came to a stop just past the turnaround area, I did something I never do, I put my right foot BEHIND my pedal. This messed with my center of gravity enough that I just fell over. Right into the ditch. Right in front of a car. Right in front of the guys signaling the turn around. Awesome. I felt a blackberry thorn in my booty as I got up, praying it wouldn't poke too big of a hole in my shorts (that would have been awful!). Everyone, including the woman in the car with the horrified look on her face, was saying "Are YOU OK???" Yes, I was fine. Dignity shot, bonking for lack of fuel in my body, shaking and stumbling, but yes, I was fine.

I walked the bike out of the ditch and over to the other side of the road. I sucked down a gel and began drinking the bottle of sports drink I had on the bike, willing my body to come back to life. I looked over my bike and looked down the hill I was standing on top of and decided I had better get going. As I tried to get my right foot in the toe clip so I could head out, it felt like I left my kickstand down. I got off the bike and checked, no, the kickstand was up... what was wrong?

I looked over the side of my bike and noticed the chain was off the sprocket. Dang! I know NOTHING about this stuff and neither did the volunteers! So, I called my Love. He talked me through how to get it back on and make sure it was in the right gear. I started to shake again and cry. He said, "just get back on and finish Jenn!" I hung up, got on my bike and headed off to finish my ride. Everything worked great on the way back, especailly the gel and sports drink, since they kicked in just in time to ride up the super steep hill I had "wheeeeed" down earlier. It was intense, but I did it!!! The policeman and volunteers at the top of the hill holding back traffic were cheering me on and the race photographer was there as I headed down a small hill to snap a picture. I hope it turns out, because the look of the victory I felt must have been on my face!

I had one more HUGE hill to climb. It was daunting! And L-O-N-G! I was in the lowest gears just trying to pedal up with whatever I had left. It felt painfully slow. It was. A few of the Olympic distance cyclists cheered me on as they muscled past me. I must admit, I envied their lean frames and sculpted muscles wondering how many zillions of hills they climbed long before I considered doing this triathlon. I didn't linger on that thought for too long because I had to focus on getting my knees in and heels down and making it to the black mail box at the top of the hill I scouted the day before. I knew I could make it. I was huffing and puffing so hard about half way up that I was actually afraid I would hyperventilate. Since passing out and falling over for a second time was not an option I started praying. I begged the Creator of my body to flood it with the peace and oxygen I needed to get to the top. I felt this tangible strength infuse me and started to shift my panting into slower deeper breaths. Within a few pedal strokes, my head was clearer and my strokes stronger. Then -- I made it. I saw the black mail box and knew I had to start grabbing gears to deal with the rapidly approaching downhill. I shifted, pedaled and smiled as all the training pieces again fell into place. The man on the corner who had cheered me on as I headed off for my ride yelled again what a great job I was doing and that I was almost home! I hollered a "thank you" and pushed ahead to recapture whatever speed I could at the last leg of the bike journey.


I felt great and strong heading back to the transition area. My family and friends cheering loudly for me helped me get past the nervousness I was starting to feel about dismounting the bike on wobbly legs again.

I remembered to get my right foot out of the toe clips and in FRONT of the pedal this time and though it wasn't graceful, I did not fall over but got off my bike and headed into the transition area to park it and head out for the run. My transition this time took just over two minutes and the bike rack area was cluttered with other cyclists debris dropped haphazardly in their haste to get to the run as well. I removed my helmet, sucked down another gel and some water, put on my hat, racked my bike and headed out with more energy than I thought I would have at this point.


At this point I decided to run the WHOLE way.

I think that at this point I wanted to run the whole way because I knew there were not likely to be any more crazy events in my future. I knew it was just putting one foot in front of the other and that I could do. I had run/walked farther than this several times and I was sure I had the stamina to do it. I KNEW any walking would be cheating myself of time and of the endurance I had built up.

I did have to stop once to go potty though... but that was not a "want" it was a "need" :)

So, I am running at my pace, being passed by everyone, and that was really when it started, really started to sink in. I was almost done. The other racers, many of them, as they ran past me, cheered me on. "You can do this", "you are doing great", "keep it up", "you're almost there"... it was wonderful. I cheered a few people on myself - the ones headed the other direction, back toward the finish line). It was beautiful outside, the dahlias in some of the yards were spectacular, the brilliant orange one with red tips sticks out vividly in my memory. It was nestled next to a short post and rail fence, the bright beauty contrasting beside the rustic weathered wood.

I convinced myself that the halfway point was just around the corner, over and over again. I hadn't driven the run portion so I really didn't know... which was a good thing I think. Then I approached this long, semi-steep hill. I heard a guy at the top with a cowbell shouting encouragement. I was sure he was at the turnaround. He cheered me on and I was glad, because at the top of the hill, I had to keep going!! It was several more turns, a construction crew cutting concrete, a machine of some sort belching out its exhaust, and then, the sweet volunteers passing out water cups at the turn around!!! Whew!

I walked 4 steps as I drank as much water as I could get in my mouth and started running again. I kept running. As I approached the man with the cowbell I knew I was on the home stretch. He got within inches of my face, looking almost into my soul and said, "THIS IS IT! YOU are doing it! YOU are almost done! YOU are incredible!!" I said, "thank you so much! I needed to hear that!" I burst into tears. I cried for about 5 steps before I decided I could be emotional later, I had work to do!

As I came down the hill, there was another man, this one I recognized as one of the guys who ran past me and told me to keep up the great work, he was obviously waiting for someone since he had already finished. His eyes met mine and he said, "Come on now, FINISH WELL!" I nodded and smiled and said, "Yes! I will!". At that point, I kicked it up another notch and stretched out my stride. I knew I was close to the end, and like I planned ahead, I was NOT about to leave any gas in my tank.

I grabbed a quick cup of water at the turnaround point for the Olympic distance runners and headed for the finish line. I could feel power in my stride, I could feel the air filling my lungs and the confidence in my strength to "FINISH WELL" just like I said, months before.

I can't effectively describe how it felt to see that finish line and KNOW that I was about to capture my dream!

As I approached the cheering crowed, I saw my oldest son on my right, jumping up and down, waving his arms yelling "GO MOMMY GO!!! As I looked to my left, I heard my second son chanting, "GO MOMMY! GO MOMMY!! Our friends kids, my mom, and my mother-in-law cheering. As I got closer to the finish line I saw my Dad grinning from ear to ear, tears streaming down his face, pride beaming through his eyes, "Great job Jenni!" as I ran past him through to the finish line.

At the moment, this is the only picture I have of me crossing the finish line. I know our friends took one that came out well, but for now, you see, the end. The clock to my right was started when the Olympic Distance race started.
My finish time was 2:22:01.5

My Love was holding the video camera at the other side. Waiting for me. I gave up my ankle bracelet timer and reached out for him and sobbed in his arms. He held me tight. I cried hard for a short bit, releasing the last of the adrenalin that carried me through to the end.

I let go of him, said a brief "hi" to a friend from High School that came to watch, and went to grab some food. A cup of water, a handful of pretzels, and a bagel sandwich with turkey and provolone never tasted so good! I found my friends and family and we all stood around and visited, hugged, and I told the tale, in pieces, that I am sharing with you now. Friends who we knew when we first moved to Idaho came to cheer me at the finish, my friend from High School who challenged me to start memorizing scripture when I was a clueless freshman, our close friends who are the godparents to our sons and their kids, my folks, my mother-in-law (Nana), my Love, my sons, and even the race coordinator shared in my victory that day.

So did you, all of you who prayed me through this journey. All of you who cheered me on and wrote encouraging notes on my blog, my facebook page and emails. I am so thankful for this journey. I am still a little sore from my fall, my ankle especially (not once did I feel a twinge of pain on the run!), but I feel great overall.

Thanks again for all your support! What a great day!!!

The night before...

2010-09-10T23:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I have to be brief because the borrowed bed I am sleeping in is calling my name. It is 11:05pm on the night before my race.

I am tired. It has been an emotional and hard day. My Love and I have not been at peace with each other and it has taken it's toll on me.

However, I went to church tonight and had some face time with my Jesus. The Author of peace. Our dear friend John, sang with his beautiful wife and the band my MOST favorite worship song, John preached on counting our blessings, and my spirit was refreshed by the simple act of focusing on my God.

He told me earlier in the day when I felt so awful that it would all be as if it had never happened - He, of course, was right. He washed the burdens away and reminded me how much He is in charge of tomorrow and not me.

I trained exclusively with Christian music. I can't wait to see what "soundtrack" He plays for me as I swim, bike and run tomorrow. I have so many songs in my heart, it will be cool to see what rises to the surface in my head!

Since I am committed to doing my best, I am going to go to bed.
God is so Good, He is fully committed to fulfilling His promise to me of a successful finish to the race. I believe Him. I am ready.

I will let you know how it went.

Winding down...

2010-09-08T22:18:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow we leave for Seattle.

I can't believe it is already time for the big event.

I am ready. I know I am. I am thankful for all it has taken me to get this far.

The prayers, encouragement, blessings are all appreciated.

I will not post tomorrow. I need a day to travel, process, pray and savor the end of this special season.

My plan is to post Friday, sometime, my final ponderings before the race.

Thanks for reading, thanks for encouraging, thanks for praying, I am blessed.

It's all in my head!

2010-09-07T22:18:00.000-07:00

As I look at the calendar tonight I see that my triathlon dream is just 4 days away.

I am tired of training. I am really READY to do this!

My biggest concern now is the run. I know it is one foot in front of the other... not challenging usually, except that is where my head gets really messy.

What floats around in your brain while you are doing seemingly endless cardio is crazy.

As Tony and I were running (well, I was running, he was walking - he's a good 12 inches taller than me!) after our 10mi bike ride on Monday, I was telling him how the muscles in the lower half of my body seemed to be pretty angry. It was like they were screaming - ENOUGH ALREADY!! Then, I got into a rhythm and they shut up for the most part.

So much of this kind of sport is just keeping your head in the game, KNOWING you can do it.

Telling your physical self to quit whining while keeping your mental self locked and loaded and focused on the target.

Now as I contemplate the things I need to do before the race I am a little overwhelmed. I want to dump sugar and flour out of my diet for the next few days and I really don't know if it will be worth the stress of doing things different as far as improving for race day. Now that I mention it, I would like to dump 50lbs before race day too... hmmmm... :)

Better get to bed... last big bike ride tomorrow before race day, if I can find someone to watch the kids! :)

Do we REALLY want things to change...?

2010-09-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

We woke up just after seven and hit the ground running. Erik jumped in tending to the boys while I fired up the first rounds of laundry for the day and got packed for my next training event with our friend and Ironman finisher Tony Ball. What an awesome guy. And his precious wife, Pat and sweet son Ty lent him to me for the second time this weekend...

I pulled into the parking lot just after nine to see Tony riding his bike up the hill to meet me. I hit the stinky pit toilet -- No, people, it does NOT help the smell to leave the lid up!!!--- and got ready for our ride.

As we cycled out of the parking lot I felt confident and enthusiastic about not feeling super tired or sore from our workout on Saturday. I pedaled easily until we came to our first BIG hill. Seriously, the hill just past Tony's Supper Club on the way out to Higgins Point is STEEP! I know there are steeper ones, but this is the hardest and steepest hill I have ever ridden up. I rode up it Saturday with raw determination and strength, listening to Tony talk me through it and focused on getting to the top.

TODAY, not so much. About 8 feet up the hill I wanted to stop. I was sure I was going to burst into tears and quit. My body started HURTING. Every muscle I used to get up the hill on Saturday seemed ANGRY I was asking it to get me up that hill again! My mind and my belief in all the training I had done thus far evaporated in the air. I told Tony I was struggling, that my body was sore, finally, from our workout on Saturday and I didn't think I could make it.

He told me I could. Then he kept talking, reminding me to keep my heels down, knees in, started mentioning landmarks I was climbing -- the Great Wall of China, the Mayan Ruins, etc. He just kept talking. Gently speaking truth over me, he said, "You survived it before now you are going to conquer it!" I was breathing so hard. Pushing with all I had, in my lowest of low gears just trying to get from street sign, to stick on the road, to road marker, and finally, I did it.

I told him I was fine to continue on instead of stopping to get a drink (I don't balance well enough on my bike to drink and ride, so I have to stop). All he had to do was shift his tone to be a bit more directive and say, "No, Jenn. Stop. You need to drink. Before you get dehydrated." That was all it took. I burst into tears.

I broke through another wall today. Iron Tony by my side, feet in pedals, pushing up a hill, sure at first I would never be able to make it. But I did. Again, it confirms to me how much of our ability lies in our head and our heart - NOT our bodies!

Do we REALLY want things to change or do we want things to stay the same because it is easier? Easier is relative too, isn't it?

Once he confirmed that I was crying because I had a training breakthrough, he said something I will never forget, "Another piece of the Old Jenn fell off back there, the new Jenn, she is right here. Right now!"

I completed our ride without another emotional outburst. I know the Old Jenn is never coming back. She has been left behind, on the rubber of treadmills, in the deep of the pool, the hard seats of stationary bikes, the cool of the lake, and the hills and the prairies of North Idaho.

I am not going to lie and say I am not going to miss her. She wasn't a bad person. She did lots of things right and well. She used what God gave her to the best of her abilities, but she was missing something. She was missing a vibrancy in her life that she once had with the innocence of youth.

But the New Jenn, she has the vibrancy of her youth with the seasoning that comes with a life lived full of challenge, joy, sorrow, peace, pressure, change, trauma, and delight. She does not fear what is to come. She embraces each day knowing God has already given her what she needs to face whatever lies ahead.

Big hills, crabby attitudes, navigating parenthood and the love affair with my husband have all changed with this new season of my life. I love who I am becoming.

I am still required to WORK HARD in this process of change. But, like I've said before, one moment, one hour, one day, one week, one month, one year at a time. Pretty soon the 17 years I have spent overweight will be a blip on the map of my life.

What do you want to change? REALLY?

Weight and Fitness goals for the next year... 1st Draft

2010-09-05T17:37:00.001-07:00

Within the next year I will be the athlete I have always wanted to be and felt I was created to be. I will weigh a healthy and strong weight for my body and be able to maintain a fit and quality balanced life in every area.

Spiritually I will be deeper in my relationship with Christ and more submitted to His work within and through me, less concerned about what others think and more focused on obeying His voice and heart for me.

Emotionally, I will not be run by the fluctuations of life and it’s challenges. I will be free to experience joy, anger, laughter, grief, and all the emotions in between without feeling like they are “running me”. The core of my peace in the Lord will hold me steady as I walk through challenges in relationships, physical issues, and the “curveballs” of life.

Mentally, I will be learning like never before. I will be pushing past the TV habit and embrace filling my head with edifying and interesting information designed to “build” my mental muscles. I will read a book a month (balanced between spiritual growth, parenting, leadership development, and entertainment).

Physically, I will be competing in Olympic distance triathlons (My incredible husband has said he would do a triathlon with me next year too!) and strengthening my body with actual weights and not afraid of being in the weight room with the sweaty muscle men that lurk there. I will learn how to use the ‘foam roll’ stretching technique and fear no spinning class. I will never take for granted my ability to do anything athletic and be grateful I have a body that I can move!

When my husband and I renew our vows on October 12, 2011 for our 20^th wedding anniversary I will wear my wedding dress. I will feel confident and beautiful. I will look at the past with gratitude and look at the future with enthusiasm.

I have no idea what I will weigh or what size I will wear. I don’t actually care that much. I just look forward to living in a body and mind that are healthy and fit, raising my children to do the same, and working together as a family to serve the church and community as the Lord leads.

What a Day!!

2010-09-04T22:31:00.000-07:00

Wow!
I had an amazing day. Not so amazing I had to pinch myself, I knew for sure it was my life... just a REALLY great day!

My precious husband got up with the boys so I got an extra half hour of sleep this morning and took over breakfast and boy care so I could get my stuff ready for my training this morning.

I met my friend Tony Ball at 9am at Sanders Beach. We talked about my training program, what I have done so far and what I still need to train for. The whitecaps on the lake were pretty impressive. The wind was blowing and I was a little curious about what it would feel like to try to swim a decent freestyle crawl in the waves.

About thirty minutes later I found out. We started into the water adjusting to it's temperature and headed out to the first buoy. It was cold enough to take my breath away. But after a bit, I adjusted and was able to swim another 300m or so. Tony stayed with me and even grabbed at my feet and pushed me around a bit so I would start to get used to the "nudging" that happens during race day.

After our swim we transitioned into a bike ride. It took more time than what it would be for a race, but since I had never made a transition from swim to bike we did that and it was a trick getting all the sand off my feet, socks and shoes on, and dry as much as possible before putting my wet caboose on my bike seat. We rode probably about 11 or 12 miles. But, different than my regular training we went up hills like I have never gone up before. And then I went down them :) as fast as I could manage!

It felt wonderful! I had been home for a few hours before my body started feeling the aches and pains of that hard of a workout. By then I had showered, resumed my "mom" duties, and switched the loads of laundry, took the kids to run errands, etc.

The best part, I had a wonderful date with my best friend. We had dinner, cracked old jokes, made each other laugh, talked, walked and drove around just hanging out together. It was just relaxing and so fun enjoying who we are together as a couple. As I write this we are watching a great movie "Hidalgo" and as comfy as can be!

So, I shall wrap this up to say, again, what an amazing day! I am so thankful for God's great provision - for my time with my husband, the time with my kids, the time with Tony and even the challenging time of my training with bumpy water and hills to ride. What a day!!

Venting!

2010-09-03T16:14:00.000-07:00

YIKES!!!
Sorry in advance for those of you were hoping for deep spiritual insight today. I am pretty sure it's not going to happen.

1) My ears are burning! Literally!
I have been battling swimmers ear since I started my lessons in early July. The irritation factor has finally become significant enough to merit finding some "Swim-Ear" stuff at Wal-Mart (stay tuned for another comment regarding THAT place). I put it in. NOW my aching ears that have been itchy and annoying are filled with alcohol and burning. Yes, it is such a "better" feeling. I am so glad I spent $4 on something that not only feels worse but I could have bought a GIANT bottle for half that price and used a dropper of some sort ... which leads me to my next gripe...

2) I work REALLY hard to get the biggest bang for my grocery dollar. Every week I get the grocery cash out of the bank and spend it as carefully as I can. I coupon clip, I make my list from the sale ads, and I even go to multiple stores so I can get the best prices for the items I need. This week I decided to do something I haven't done for over 6 months - I walked in the doors of WalMart. I did this for two reasons. One, because they do "ad matching" so I didn't have to do multiple stores -which I did last week with my kids and it was NOT pretty. And two, I wanted to shop where there wouldn't be 37million other people getting their last groceries before they go on vacation. I heard that the WalMart out by Cabela's was nice, new, and VERY quiet. There aren't a lot of people shopping there right now because they just opened and lets face it, they are WAY out of the major traffic area. Today I bought most of what I needed and had to quit before I purchased all I had in my cart. Even at WalMart, I am running out of money before I get what I need. It seems so wacky! But, adjustments are required as little boys become bigger and need lunches for school, and they eat, and eat, and eat and eat. It seems like they are all in a growth spurt right now and I just can't seem to keep up with them!

3) But I FORGOT about how WalMart affects my children. Now, they are still boys in a grocery store, busy, creative, and yes a little rambunctious too. But something about WalMart... or maybe it is me. I don't want to be THAT mom with kids swinging from the aisles, running into people or, like today pulling off some slick new imaginary ninja move right in front of an old man with a cane just trying to walk!! Yes, that was me, speaking too loudly, in public, to my ninja-master son throwing himself on the floor in front of unsuspecting senior citizens. Don't you wish you were me?

4) I finally get the ninja-masters (which they have never seen anything like that except on ONE episode of Backyardagains) loaded into the car, groceries tucked into the back and we head for home. I hear a thud and figure the watermelon hit the back of the car when I turned the corner. No biggie. So, we get home and I get Peter laid down for his nap, the big boys on their beds for what will be close to an eternal time out and go back to the car to unload the groceries. Well, did I mention the GIANT jug of fabric softener I bought? It turns out that if you turn your car and the jug falls over and if said jug has had the lid twisted by one of three potential mess makers, you get fabric softener all over the back of your car. I am all for fresh laundry, but fresh trunk, fresh Sunday school papers I forgot about, and fresh beach blanket made in Mexico... is just really annoying.

5) I get stuff cleaned out of the car, put the groceries away and remember that I bought REAL lettuce instead of bagged lettuce so I have to get busy cleaning and tearing before too long so when the guests arrive for our progressive dinner tonight they don't get farm grit in their teeth. Not a big deal (cleaning and tearing lettuce, that is) except that the list of "to do's" before company comes is a little longer than usual and I don't want to start too early so the kids don't wreck it before they come.

It is a fine line between ungrateful nastiness and a grumpy mommy moment. I hope I stayed on the right side of that line! And I hope you will forgive me if I offended you in any way...

How to swim in the lake... by someone who did it!!!!!!!!!

2010-09-02T21:33:00.000-07:00

Today was a big day for me. But I guess you know that.

This whole time, since I started training I have been stressed about it. I kept wondering what it would feel like.

How cold would it be? If I had a dollar for every person that asked me if I had a wetsuit I could have bought one!
Would I see anything scary at the bottom?
Would I get bit by a fish?
Would I have to touch a fish?
Would the weeds in the water touch me?

Yeah, what a silly girl.

I grew up swimming in the Pacific Ocean. My mom had us on the beach all year round. I have been in the water, at least ankle deep, most often neck deep all over the southern California coast. I LOVE the ocean. I have been caught in more rip tides than I can remember, body surfed, and boogie boarded til my stomach and arms were raw. And I have rarely turned down a chance to get in a pool. I LOVE the water. Almost everywhere.

Except lakes.

Lakes have freaked me out since I was a kid. My sister was floating tummy down in an inner tube when we were about 10 and 11 (I was older by 18mos.). She was in a bikini and she got bit by a fish. I still remember seeing her fly out of the tube screaming, belly button bleeding and hysterically pointing to the water. That sealed the deal for me. No swimming in the lake. Any lake. Ever.

As time went by I did get on boats and attempt water skiing (never did manage to get "up") and then tubing. I did swim a little at Honeysuckle Beach years ago with a friend and I have another friend with a dock off Honeysuckle bay and I did jump in maybe twice. When I take the boys to the beach sometimes I will go in up past my waist, but only because they want me to hold them so they can go deeper. But EVERY time I am in a lake I am FREAKED out. I see flashes of my screaming sister, I look for fish and when I see them I want to run and wish I hadn't looked. When John was baptized just a few weeks ago it took ALL I had to get in the water up to my knees. AND there were LITTLE TINY fish EVERYWHERE!!! I still get squeamish thinking about it...

So, THAT is why today was SUCH a BIG DEAL!!!

Not only did I walk into the water feeling its icy grasp go up my body, but then I followed my coach and my friend as they shallowly dove right in! I came out of the water short of breath gasping at the chill. My friend Stephanie warned me that breathing while swimming would be harder at first because of the cold and she was right.

As I started my freestyle strokes I could only do two strokes before I came up for air. And I was gasping. I kept swimming, out to the corner of the Point where Coach said to go. The murky gunk at the bottom had only a bit of my focus while I was trying to remember "bubble-bubble-breathe" which has become my swimming and now my "I'm wearing out I don't want to do this" mantra. They stayed beside me the whole time. Slow going for them even as I worked at picking up my pace. He has been swimming for over 50 years and she for 20.

Once I got to the Point, Coach asked if I was okay. I said I was, but I was still a little scared. He suggested we swim under the dock bridge over to the other beach area. He told me to keep going until I got there. No stopping. I looked at him and through my nervous thoughts I took a moment to remember that he was the same guy who had coached me through learning how to do this in the first place, and he would not leave my side. Neither did Stephanie. I said a quick prayer and felt the Lord give me the courage to trust Him, to trust them and to trust the knowledge I had gained in about a dozen swimming classes.

And I did it. I swam steadily until the darkness under the bridge caught my attention.

DARK!

I was so focused on breathing and my stroke that I didn't see the bridge until I was under it. I popped my head up with a gasp, looked around and kept going seeing Coach and Stephanie waiting for me. I swam to them and realized:

I CAN DO THIS!!

I don't remember for sure but I think that was the first time I got all goofy and giddy about swimming in the lake. Coach then asked if I could see the post - to which I said no. I can't see that far ahead... so he pointed to a huge tree that I could see and said to go in that direction. Practicing my "sighting" so I am swimming toward the "buoy" in my race and not somewhere off course.

We started out and Coach swam across my legs (he has been having people in my class or even the Jr. lifeguards at one point get in my way, splash me and such to simulate what it will be like to have other swimmers right next to me for my swim). I adjusted my position. Then the waves from the wake of a boat started bobbing me around in the water and I adjusted my position. I remembered that Stephanie told me to breathe on the side opposite someone next to me or a wave coming. That helped. When we got to the post I looked up and got all goofy about having done it again! Coach had me swim around the post as if it was a buoy and gave me a few tips about how congested it will be during the swim. Arms, legs, bodies, faces all around me and I have to be able to get my bearings and keep going.

Then he had me practice "sighting" again. He crossed in front of me, splashed me with his feet and Stephanie did too. I swam back to the Point and he greeted me with loud praise about how straight I swam.

We climbed up the slippery steps and then back down again to do a shallow dive off the steps. Then we swam back to the beach and talked about the best way for me to practice the next few days before my race. As we got out the exhilaration continued. I wasn't that cold. The water didn't seem that cold. Everything was amazing. The sky was bluer, the water more beautiful, my success bigger... I know I was acting like a total dork but I couldn't help myself. I felt like I had just climbed Mt.Everest or something.

They were obviously happy for me too. It was a great moment in my life and these two wonderful people were right there in it with me.

When I talk about God's provision, or I hear other people talk about it, there is a quiet confidence and some positive outlook. But when you go from freaked out fear, to conquering it, to eagerly anticipating doing it again... now that is a whole new light on God's provision.

He provided for me this great Coach who has been an encouragement and a blessing every moment of my time with him. He provided a great friend, confident swimmer and wonderful encourager to swim with me in almost every class. God KNEW exactly what I would need and WHO I would need to face this challenge. And He did not hold back.

I felt SO loved, SO blessed and SO encouraged today. I knew so many of you were praying for me and cheering me on. It is pretty freaky being watched by so many people this way, but I opened myself up for it because God asked me to. I obeyed.

This whole thing continues to be about me obeying Him. One challenge, one day, one bike ride, one swim, one run at a time. So many of you have contacted me to share what you are doing in your life to become more healthy and to follow what God has asked you to do. It is humbling. I am grateful. And most of all I am overwhelmed by the work God is doing in so many of us who are just obeying, one challenge, one day, one bike ride, one swim, one run, one walk, one _?_ at a time.

And, because the excitement remains... YYYYAAAAYYYYY!!! I DID IT!!! :)

Got Water??

2010-09-01T22:15:00.000-07:00

Yeah, tomorrow's the big day. I have to swim in the lake. The big lake that is cold, wet, has stuff in it, has fish in it, has... oh I don't want tooooo!

It makes me cold just thinking about it and no, I do NOT have a wetsuit.

But, in order to do the triathlon I am signed up for I have to be able to swim in a lake.

Just like every other time I have had to jump out of my sofa surfing, cookie baking, french fry eating, fried chicken loving comfort zone, it is time to just step into what God has called me to do.

I will let you know tomorrow evening how it went.

Today's bike ride wasn't my favorite. I continue to feel tired and today's headwind (weather man said 15-20mph today) didn't really help. I did it. I about had a panic attack before I began. May I remind you from a past blog, that before any/every major athletic event in my life I have been injured in one way or another. I am 10 days from race day and every time I do ANY training the anxiety builds. I had to pray through it again today. My friend Leslie prayed for me and my mother-in-law sweetly reminded me that God was going to be with me all the way. He was. And let me tell you how I know...

My favorite part of the ride today was the clouds. They were big and puffy, flat on the bottom and cotton-like on the top with a pure white shimmer against the brilliant blue sky. When I would start to feel the tiredness in my head, my heart, or my legs, I would look to the sky at the amazing display God laid out for my enjoyment. I don't mind if you shared it a bit, but I knew He did it for me, just to keep me going and remind me that He sees all my hard work, even when I am not feeling enthusiastic. I love that He loves me. I love that He knows I can do this. He knows I am scared. He told me the time is now for this big dream/event to happen.

So, I will swim, bike and run, every training day and on race day with all I've got!

Normal...?

2010-08-31T21:05:00.000-07:00

My thyroid test came out normal. My regular doc and nurse have not confirmed this in detail yet, but essentially, a nurse at the office looked at the report and unofficially said it looked normal.
What does that mean to me?

That means that I am on this journey. My life, my body, my mind, and my heart are being transformed. There is not a moment wasted. I press on. If my body is functioning within normal limits then I am to just keep doing what God has called me to do.

Tomorrow I get on my bike for another 15mile ride. I am not sure where I am going to ride yet because during the week, all the traffic is a little heavier, even if I am riding on a bike path. But one of the things I get to practice tomorrow is something I struggle with... getting on and off the bike.

My friend Jim who owns Cycle Metrix adjusted my bike to better fit me today and he gave me some pointers on my "mount and dismount" techniques. But, just like anything else, I won't get better if I don't practice.

The bummer of it is, if I have to get off the bike, it is because there are people there... watching. Then, I have to get back on the bike. OK, so you get the picture. I guess I could have posted the picture of the hash marks on the back of my leg too... then you would really have the PICTURE. They are healing nicely now. I have no desire to pester them with another unfortunate dismount.

I will get in the lake on Thursday. For the first time to have a real lake swim. I am freaked out about that too. But that is a whole 36or so hours away... we'll talk about that tomorrow... ;)

Discouragement and Motivation... Week 10 of my Tri Training

2010-08-30T17:53:00.000-07:00

My old friend Discouragement isn't as noisy as she used to be. She has lost her primary place in my focus and attention. Motivation has taken priority and encouraged me to drive ahead even on the days when I hear Discouragement's tempting voice to just give up. Let me tell you about them both:

Discouragement is slow. Her voice is monotone and her creativity is non-existent. She has no spark to her existence. Her heart beats with a steady unexciting pulse. She has no favorite colors because she sees only gray wherever she looks. She doesn't bother with laughter for she sees no point in it. Life just occurs around her. She sees no real reason for the pursuit of anything. She doesn't sing because she hears no melody in her heart. Most are drawn to her out of convenience and their own lack of imagination. The companionship felt with her is like prisoners locked together in the same cage. She is to be avoided. If she has captivated your attention for any length of time it is too long. She will do you no favors and bring you no peace. Her encouragement exists only to keep you with her, alone, and void of all hope. Once you walk away from her, you won't miss her, but she will keep talking if you listen.

However, my new friend Motivation is different.

Motivation is the one who now gets me up in the morning. Her voice is soft and clear as a crisp spring day. Her heart beats strong and fast. Her creativity when facing a challenge is inexhaustible. Her favorite colors are vibrant and her laugh sounds like music in my head on the days when she knows I am near victory. Her zest for life draws me deeper into risk and challenge. Her song has a pounding baseline and a invigorating chorus. I am drawn to her with a compulsion that parallels a new romance. I cannot imagine my life without her now. She is my closest companion. My dearest friend. She whispers gentle encouragement during my weary moments and emphatically cheers my many victories. She is wise and kind. She pushes me farther and faster than I ever imagined I could go. She is the complete display of Joy, Peace and Hope.

These girls are allegory style images of what God has released me from and where He has taken me on this journey. He is the author and creator of Motivation. The enemy of my soul designed Discouragement. I pray they speak to you today, for God's revelation on these two is not for me alone.

Now for the nitty gritty details of my day...

I saw the doctor.

Let me preface this with the fact that he is no slouch. He is an athlete himself and his family is focused in athletic pursuits... so he knows what I am asking him about.

He said I am not eating enough. Likely my metabolic rate is slowed not only due to my age (everything would look different if I was 18 - FOR SURE! If only I had appreciated it back then!!), my weight and the amount of exercise I am doing. Basically the deficit in my caloric intake is too great and my body is still holding on to the fat to protect itself from starvation... lovely.

I adjusted my calories based on the deficit he recommended and will be working towards that for the next few weeks to see if there is any change. He also had some blood drawn and will be testing my thyroid function.

Today I am resting. I painted my guys little faces, I have dinked around on the computer, I read some in my triathlon training manual, broke up a few fights, worked on preschool workbooks, fed myself and my kids, and pretty much did nothing else. Oh, I did take a nap for the first time in weeks.

It is funny how resting is work for me now. I used to rest all the time. So tired. So overwhelmed. So ... you fill in the blank. Now, I with my training schedule and the beginning of MOPS coming up I am super busy. All the usual stuff plus those things and my training is taking longer because the workouts are longer. School preparation for my boys is taking some time and focus. None of it is bad but to just STOP for a whole day (not that my brain has stopped or the list making hasn't continued) seems a little nuts. But that is what I felt like God wanted me to do today.

Weary Wonderings...

2010-08-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

I find myself so tired these days. I am still doing my workouts, my dishes, my laundry, taking care of my kids, my home, etc. But I just feel tired. I was supposed to bike 20 miles today, though I stopped at 15. I didn't want to push farther than that because I was so tired I didn't want to get hurt.

Tomorrow morning at 7:15am I will be at my doctor's office to have a check up. There will be blood work run to check my thyroid and such. Did I mention I will have my three sons with me? That should be fun.

I can only wonder what might be going on in my body. I have never pushed it this far for this long. I have certainly never attempted this kind of athletic event with the kind of weight I have right now.

So, wearily I wonder... what is up?? Is there anything else going on or is it just my life, busy amazing boys, hard physical exercise and the regular duties of Mommyhood? I have no idea.

I will post tomorrow about what Doc had to say. I am curious.

Sneezy!? The last of my "Seven Dwarf" series...

2010-08-28T23:54:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is time for the last of my "seven dwarf" series...

I was sneezing about 30 times the other morning and it dawned on me, I could be getting sick. That freaks me out.

However, since my God said He wants me to do this race, attend to my family and lead the New Life MOPS group, then obviously He already knows what I need to keep going. Every Day.

With that in mind, this is a short blog so I can get to bed before midnight.

Sorry for the lack of brilliance here... but seriously, I need my rest so I don't get sick! :)

Grumpy - Dwarf number 6... and me

2010-08-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have to admit. I have been grumpy a lot lately.

Again, it has been A WHILE since I have slept through the night. The odds are stacked against me and so are the kids...

They all sleep well almost every night. Except that one of them, at least, wakes up in the night and needs something, a drink, covered up, a prayer (for a bad dream), or something of that sort.

I am now getting to the point where I am grumpy at night... Like in the MIDDLE of the night.

Last night James woke up with a bad dream. I was so deep in sleep and so crabby about being awakened that I mumbled to this poor upset five year old... "Go pick up your toys and then I will help you." Yes, I am the best mom EVER. He came back a little bit later and said, "but Mommy, I had a bad dream!" in his sad sleepy voice. The second time was enough to wake me up. At which point I apologized and tucked him back into bed with a drink and a prayer for sweet dreams and a peaceful rest.

Seriously! "Pick up your toys first, then I will help you"! Good grief!! He would have been better of with Charlie Brown's mom saying "Waah wah wah wah."

The hard thing about being grumpy with your kids is that once you recognize your bad attitude or grumpy choices and apologize (and at least at the age of my kids - they always forgive you) is that for hours later you can be plagued with all the other thoughts of every other way you are screwing up as a mom.
"They haven't had enough veggies today"
"They have a few cavities because you aren't attentive when they brush their teeth"
"If you were paying attention to what they were doing in the bathroom, your air freshener wouldn't have spilled and they wouldn't have soaked a hand towel trying to clean it up and then left it in the floor"
"The way you yelled at them is going to scar them for life. What were you thinking? Nice job teaching kindness and compassion, I am sure they heard that LOUD and CLEAR!"

Those are just a few of the things that floated through my head today.

But, the TRUTH, again, I have to focus on that, is that I am a good mom who is teaching herself not to be so darn serious, to let more things go, to apologize when I don't do a good job being kind, and NEVER take anything for granted (my kids, a clean bathroom, or an opportunity to teach about something you struggle with yourself).

So, should I be awakened in the middle of the night tonight, I will try not to send my son to pick up his toys, I will tenderly and lovingly tuck him in, and if I still haven't slept in another week (or a day or two), I may need an overnight in our camper in the driveway so I can have an uninterrupted night of sleep!

NO MORE GRUMPY!!! I don't like him and I hate it when he comes to visit!! (OK, now you are wondering if I really see little dwarfs in my house... ;))

Dopey - Another Dwarf...

2010-08-25T16:55:00.000-07:00

OUCH!!
I am not graceful when it comes to the mount/dismount event on my bike. I am not even graceful when it comes to getting into my toeclips which I guess could be included in the "mount" portion of my "dopiness".

Today I rode a long way on my bike. Somewhere between 15-20 miles. About 3 miles in I had to stop for an intersection. I braked and tried to approach slowly, quickly sliding my right foot out of the toeclip to land on my feet. Not a bad plan, but unfortunately I did not move out of the way in time before the nicely cleated pedal smacked into my leg leaving 7 slash marks up my leg of varying depth.

Nice.

Well, I guess my worst fears have been realized now. I have been injured while riding my bike. No more worries now right? Sure. I "enjoyed" the salt of sweat dripping into it. The gunky scabs that were forming while I rode. The tightness in the skin...

Ahhh the blessings of being alive...

I say all this to share with you that I really dig having an owie. Nuts huh? It just makes me feel like I am really doing something that is a challenge for me.

DOPEY is how I look. But IN PROCESS is how I feel. Scabs and all!

I don't know what is next, I am not sure it matters... I LOVE IT!

NUTS is what my head even thinks of this --

but my heart... IT IS HAPPY!!

It brings tears to my eyes often to think about how far I've come and what is yet to be...

So, I can live with looking DOPEY. If it gets me to where I am going eventually...

DOC?!

2010-08-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

After 10 months of consistent exercise I have lost a whopping 24 pounds.

My friend/coach thinks I need to see an endocrinologist. She is concerned that my body isn't releasing my fat/weight. I have done natural cleanses and stuff like that but it's not the same. I really am starting to wonder what chemically is going on in my body.

So, I am going to look into it.

My family doc said he thinks my body is just used to storing fat since I have been in "baby mode" for so long. He is likely right, but I really think that after all these months of hard high intensity exercise I should have lost more than I have. I have built muscle yes, but really, I haven't even lost that many inches.

I ask for your prayers. I am not sure how much to pursue this before my race or just wait until after. I welcome any input you might have. Thanks so much!

Bashful!? or is it Fearful?!

2010-08-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

I have written before about my fear of bike riding. Not only does my bum hurt, but I am terrified - I mean TERRIFIED of falling off. I have equilibrium issues (I guess) as balance has never been my strong suit.

Today, I had a choice to make. I was tired from our camping trip, my friend I was going to ride with ended up with another event happening and we couldn't afford a sitter for Erik to go with me this time. SO - I either had to go ALONE or not go at all.

I was so sad and discouraged (initially masking itself as FEAR) that I was really planning to blow it off. Deciding it wasn't THAT big of a deal. Surely I could make it up another time.

Once I finally admitted to myself I was really AFRAID, I started to cry. I couldn't stop. I could barely choke out why I was crying. He did what he usually does when I am freaked out, he calmly looked into my eyes and said, "Jenn, you need to do this. I will take care of the boys." I kept crying and went and got by super-spectacular-everyone-wishes-they-had-a-bum-the-size-of-mine bike shorts on, and my cycling shirt that shrunk in the wash and got ready to go. I kissed my little guys good night and went out to the car.

He calmly (as he most often is) showed me how to load my bike on the rack attached to my car, I loaded up, kissed him goodbye and left. I made two calls on my way to the starting point of my ride. My friend Leslie who is my designated cheerleader for all things athletic (and many other things) and my Dad. I had to leave a message for Leslie and Dad prayed for me and I was still crying when we hung up.

I tell you about this FEAR thing because so many of you say you are inspired by me and that is great. But, I am no different than you are. Many of you think riding a bike is no big deal, but it is to me. It is the longest part of my triathlon and the thing that scares me the most. FALLING and CRASHING, and FLAT TIRES, Oh My! (You get it don't you? Lions and tigers and bears! Oh My!)

I get to my starting point and get on my bike. I just started riding. BIG headwind. Felt like it was 20mph, but I have no idea how to measure that! I decided to look around. Birds dipping around me, vacationers zipping by on the freeway, wind rustling the long grasses, grasshoppers bouncing around, and the first mile, second mile, third mile, they just kept going by... and I kept riding. I kept looking around. I kept enjoying the gorgeous evening before my eyes, with me, right in the middle of a life making moment!!

Within the first couple of miles, I decided to flip my second pedal around to try to get my toe in my new toe clips. I can start riding with one toe in the clip but have not successfully gotten my second toe in. I flipped the pedal, lost both of them, and then wobbled a bit... my heart rate went a bit wacky as I struggled to at least get my toe in one clip again without falling off or stopping. I kept riding and felt like giving up. I flipped my pedal around again with the toe clip part up (usually it is down - with my foot on the other side of the pedal).

I whispered a prayer, "God will you help me with this please!" I took a breath and slid my second foot into the toe clip! I yelled "YAHOOO!" right out there in the middle of the Centenial Trail! Why not!!?? It was awesome!

The really crazy part, I often want to stop and take a breath, or let the circulation return to my "nether regions", except that I didn't want to take my feet out of the clips! I kept riding... for seven and a half miles. When it was time to turn around, then I slid my feet out and stood up. AMAZING!

Then, to make it even more incredible, I started riding back towards my car and my feet practically just jumped into the toe clips!! I squeeled with delight! And rode all the way back. Without stopping.

The last mile - mile 14 - I praised God LOUDLY! FEAR had to die today for me to find VICTORY!

O, that we would embrace our fears and push past them for the most amazing and unexpected victories! I remeber even Bashful blushed with delight when Snow White finally noticed him and kissed him on the cheek.

Today, my God kissed me on the cheek. He knew I was scared. He orchestrated the day to position me for victory when all I really wanted was defeat. He surrounded me with people who believed in me more that I believe in myself and He drew me gently into success without trauma. That is what a God who really KNOWS us can do. So often we think it always has to be the "hard" way. Today, He just gently put me on the path He was asking me to "ride on" and gave me what I needed to accomplish the task at hand.

I blush now with the big fuss I made fearing the ride that I did today.

It wasn't a big deal. But it was.

God understood.

He knew.

I am so glad He loves me.

Sleepy!?

2010-08-20T00:11:00.000-07:00

I am cracking myself up in delerious exhaustion. The next 5 blogs will also be titled the names of the seven dwarfs... not really, well, maybe... will have to wait and see won't ya?! :)

I have slept one solid night in at least the last 2 weeks. Here I am up at midnight knowing my guys will be awake at 6am as usual or earlier because we leave to go camping tomorrow.

I shall keep this brief...
REST. It is so elusive in this season of life. Kids awake at night, blogs to write, laundry to do, there are millions of reasons why a hard working stay at home mom could be up at midnight. And honestly, over the span of raising our kids, there will be at least a million.

BUT

What am I doing with it? Am I resentful of my fellas getting up in the night for some reason or the other? Sometimes. Though I often make an effort to remember how precious time is with them right now, midnight snuggles don't grow on trees when they are 12!! When I have to sing the same song a bunch of times, or read the same story, or get out the crayons or worse, markers for them to color one more picture for 30 seconds and then move on to something else, do I appreciate the opportunity to have children that can color? or that can sing with me? or want to learn to read, or even see the book?

We take our rest for granted people. There are parents out there who don't snuggle up to their pillows at night. They watchfully observe their child, looking out for whatever may happen with g-tubes, chest tubes, breathing treatments, and other assorted ailments.

Those of us who have been given super healthy kids need to be grateful. We need to be rejoicing that our kids can get out of bed when they need us, or can holler our name until we come. We need to be sleepy every once in a while to remember there are other people out there who are sleepy too, and they don't have a choice to cozy up to a loved one or even a soft pillow.

So, the next time you think you need some rest, check in with the Lord. Ask Him if there is someone else who needs your time or energy, if He wants you to be His hands or feet in any given situation. Because my friend, just because you are sleepy or tired from the challenges of your life, your God still wants you to hear His voice and respond. He knows you are tired. He knows why you are tired. Let Him give you the rest you REALLY need, not just what you think you need.

Before you lay down, say a prayer for those who have to be up tonight. They need it.

Happy!?

2010-08-18T22:37:00.000-07:00

This song is one of my regular workout play list favorites. Every time it comes on it reminds me of the Truth.
He is not singing about happy for "happy" sake, but of real joy.

I had a hard time tracking down my joy today. I even posted this on a friend's facebook profile when she said she was feeling grumpy today "May the power of God who raised Christ from the dead that lives in you IGNITE you with JOY filling you with a sense of CELEBRATION for all HE has poured into your life. I am praying you have AT LEAST one hard core belly laugh before the end of the day! I love you!!!"

I really should take my own advice. I had to go back and read it myself later today after an unfortunate several incidents where my sons blatantly ignored my instructions AGAIN! I hate taking it personal. My head knows it's not, but my heart doesn't. My heart thinks "I got you to the beach finally, can you please just be grateful and obey me for once so this is easy for me?" But, no, they can't. Because their little heads don't think like that. They think, "I am finally at the beach. I love the beach. I want to play in the water. Oh, I think I heard something, nope, lets play in the water some more, wait, there it is again. I will look up so it seems like I heard something, but then go back to playing and go farther out in the water so I don't hear it again!!".

So, I brought them home, finally, after a dear friend put both her hands on my shoulders and reminded me to just breathe and it will all be ok.

Why does this stuff get me so worked up? I have no idea. I told my husband I am just sick of hearing my voice, giving instructions to the apparently deaf and doling out consequences like they are jelly beans on an Easter egg hunt! Seriously, I would be sick of the consequences by now and just quit! BUT at the ripe old age of 4 (almost 5) and 6, consequences are just a way of life.

As I type I am listening to my two year old cry and holler my name for the umpteenth time tonight. It is 11pm. He has been at it since at least 930. I have been in there about 4 times and his father has been in there at least that many times. This doesn't seem like a good night to get the sleep I need.

Sleep deprived or not, I should be happy. Exhausted or not, I should be happy. I have been given the children I always longed for, an incredible husband, precious friends, an amazing family, a wonderful home, really, I should be happy! And, when I put it like that... I don't have to ponder it deeply or for very long to KNOW - I am Happy! Not because life isn't hard and there aren't challenges to conquer, but really, those things truly don't affect my "happy" factor. Not at all.

Oh and yes, I did end up with at least one memorable belly laugh today. Thank you Lord!

Are you Happy?

Fresh out... ;)

2010-08-17T22:18:00.000-07:00

I wish I had something brilliant to write today. But, I don't. It was a good day. I stayed within my calories, swam well in my class, brought two friends meals for their family, played with my boys and attended a going away party for a friend's daughter who also happens to have been a great babysitter for our boys.

I am ready for bed. My Love is already snoozing on the couch waiting for me to finish my writing. We seldom go to bed alone. One of us just dozes waiting for the other to be ready to go to bed. I am thankful for that.

So, this is the blog for today. Tomorrow will be busy too. Beach with friends, BRICK (bike and swim workout), watch my 3 plus a friends 3 plus another friend's 2 for a bit tomorrow afternoon so one can give the other a pedicure. Awesome! Then I come home, make dinner and make a bouquet for a friend's daughter's wedding...

Busy days that are full of LIFE and BLESSING for myself, my kids and other friends/families that we love are wonderful!
Going to bed. Must rest up for tomorrow's fun!!