Thankful! - This is VERY intense... just warning you...

How often we compare our lives to the lives of those around us!

It really is kind of a habit we just get used to. I see my sons comparing themselves, what they have or don't have already at the ripe old ages of 5 & 6. It seems I am constantly talking with them about being grateful. I guess it can't ever be said or taught enough. Certainly when the culture is filled with "you need... you should... if only you had..."

I have felt that way lots. I have fallen prey to the marketing, the unspoken suggestions, the bold face merchandising that minimizes who you are only to maximize their profits.

I had a rather troubling experience happen just after my miscarriage about 3 1/2 years ago. One month to the day after I had lost the baby I heard one of those hideous news stories about a baby found in a trash bag outside an apartment building. There was a fire station (a drop off point for babies where "no questions are asked") just down the street.

I was enraged. How could the kind, loving, promise fulfilling (based on God's promise to me I would have a baby) God make me give up a baby and then give a baby to a Mom who would literally dump it in the garbage!! Crushed and angry I cried hard while my Love tried to console me. I was so mad at God for allowing that! But, as I do, out of habit and the knowledge of who He really is - GOD, I took it to Him in prayer.

It wasn't one of those polite, "Dear Lord, please..." prayers. It was more like "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING??? HOW CAN YOU MAKE ME GO THROUGH MY BABY DYING WHEN I WANTED HER SO BADLY AND GIVE THAT HORRIBLE WOMAN A BABY THAT SHE PUT IN THE GARBAGE!!!"

He, like He does with me (and many others I have talked to about such things) whispered into my spirit, "I know you don't understand. I love you. You know I weep with you over your baby and the one that his mother chose to dump. I know what lies ahead for you. I know what lies ahead for her. Trust Me with My plan for your life, even when it hurts. Even when you are angry. I promise I am in control. Do not judge her or me by the sin of this world. I am working out a different plan in her life. I was there. I held that baby. He is with Me. I hold your baby too. She is with Me. Do not try to fathom the sin of the world and how My plans and My blessings will unfold. Just be who you are, trust Me and I will be who I AM." 

I know that is not word for word, but as I felt led to write this I asked Him to refresh what He told me that night.

My point in sharing this is: We have NO idea what He is working out in our lives or in the lives of those around us. That is why He tells us in scripture not to judge others. We don't have any way of knowing His plan for our lives, let alone His plan for theirs.

This is why we must be THANKFUL. The path God is asking us to walk, one day at a time is unique to us. Our path will never be the same as another, even our spouse.

I am thankful for our baby girl in Heaven. My sons asked me just the other day if she was still a baby or if she was growing up in Heaven. I told them I have no idea. We will find out when we get there. They miss her too. She would have been three this month (her due date was the day I ran my triathlon). I am thankful for the short time I held her in my womb. I love that I will see her again someday. I praise God for letting me know He holds her since I cannot.

I am also very thankful for the guys I share my life with. My three sons and my Love are true gifts and I wouldn't trade my third son for anything or anyone.

Being thankful for what we have been given, hard times and all takes practice, discipline, and focus. We must practice thanking God, thanking others, and being thankful for all we have been given. We must be disciplined to be thankful when the circumstances around us are awful, finding the small joys even in the midst of great pain. And we must focus on being thankful when we seem to have huge needs that threaten to overtake us, choosing to see the blessings that exist already.

Even as I continue to battle my old habits, create new ones and reinforce good ones I have to remain thankful for all of it. It is not my place to compare another life with mine. It is my place to see and use what I have been given. I can move. I can cook my own meals. I have money for groceries. I can teach my sons how to take good care of their bodies to name just a few... There is A LOT to be thankful for, even when it is a hard day. 

Praising the Lord, putting my headache to bed, and praying you received what God had for you out of this INTENSE bit of writing.
God bless you!

State of Mind...

Clint Black is one of my most favorite Country Western stars. I even liked him on the Apprentice!
I fell in love with him and his music twenty years ago, working at my first job ever at the local feed store in the town I grew up in. The handsome cowboys, the wrangler jeans, the assorted country music tunes floating through the dust and fragrance of hay, sweet feed, and shavings. To this day, that season of my life remains a treasured time.

Today, when I went downstairs to workout while my youngest napped (he was sick - so no going to the gym today) I found the only music in the downstairs cd player was Clint Black's Greatest Hits. Now, this is the first time I have worked out, yes, this whole time, without a background of Christian music. But, as I prayed, I felt led to just listen, workout, even dance a bit and listen. Listen to the memories. Listen to the sound of his voice and the feelings that well up from my soul of days gone by...
This song came on, seriously one of my all time favorites - EVER:
Here is a link to the video -
State of Mind video

State of Mind by Clint Black
Got a big leather suitcase, all I own's inside
Seems I've been walkin' for days, can't even bum a ride
Try steppin' to a tune, with the rhythm of a walkin' man
Mind drifts like a big balloon out of my situation at hand

Ain't it funny how a melody can bring back a memory
Take you to another place in time
Completely change your state of mind

Walkin' down a lonely highway not feelin' alone
Thinkin' back when things went my way and not the road I'm on
Well, I've been down a time or two, but it never lasts long
I can always make it through on a wing and a prayer and a song

Ain't it funny how a melody can bring back a memory
Take you to another place in time
Completely change your state of mind

It can make a right from a wrong, it can make you fall in love
It can get you singin' along

Chase the clouds away and make the sun shine above
A melody can bring back a memory
Take you to another place in time
Completely change your state of mind

A melody can bring back a memory
Take you to another place in time
Completely change your state of mind

I love that! That is what God did for me today. A fun tune from my past drew me back to a place I loved and a season of joy and peace in my life.

As I was exercising and listening to this song today I was so thankful for that season and so grateful for the one I am in now. I don't have a clear vision of where I am headed physically on this path to health and wellness, I just know I am not alone in it and God is providing for me, treasured memories to remind me of the wonderful places I've been and what is yet to come.

I am headed to bed now, looking forward to what He has planned for tomorrow. Treasuring the memories and knowing that the best is yet to come!
I Believe it!

The Process of Life...

This picture is of my Love and I before the wonderful wedding we attended yesterday.

Someone asked me if it is hard not to "create my own reality" writing my blog. I told her no, I prayerfully consider what I write and do my best to be as real as possible.

SO - in the spirit of reality I share the following:

• This morning I woke up dreading my Love's departure later this afternoon. I switched laundry, tossed some on the couch downstairs (it's still there by the way), and got in the shower. 
• I wanted him to feed the kids but when he did, I interrupted and he was annoyed. 
• We were almost 30min late to church because I had to apologize and we had to work out our various grievances 
• Then we were asked to serve communion after a well-preached message on forgiveness. Whew! So glad we worked out our junk BEFORE we got to church! 
• He helped me load everyone up and he headed off to the airport and I took the troops home. 
• My oldest wished for a bow and arrow to fight the enemy. I told him he really needed the sword of the spirit and memorizing his Bible verses will make him a powerful warrior. He believed me. I am thankful. NOTE to SELF - FOCUS on scripture memory, for them and for me!!
• I think I had a turkey burger with cheese on sourdough bread for lunch. The kids had pasta and milk. 
• We ALL took a nice long nap.
• I was crabby, dreading the week ahead without my Love.
• There were several opportunities for me to respond with significant correction to my sons and instead I yelled or blew it off. NOTE to SELF - DO NOT make a habit of that... it will not go well in the long run!
• I apologized. In front of them, first to God and then to them. They all forgave me. Again.
• I rocked, prayed for and sang with my youngest and tucked him in. Refusing him his 3rd drink and telling him there would be trouble if he threw a fit. He chose wisely.
• I read the "real" Bible without pictures per my oldest son's request. We read about Nicodemus in John 3. They liked that their AWANA verse (3:16) was in the "real" Bible. Well, I suppose eventually they will make the connection - NOTE to SELF - SHOW them in the "real" Bible where their AWANA verses come from!
•  After tucking the boys in bed I decided I needed something yummy. I proceeded to cook black beans from scratch (starting with dry beans) and then make it into turkey chili. Yummy, except I burnt it. Not so yummy on the bottom... bummer.
• Then I decided I needed something yummier :) Yes, I am sure that is a word since there is no squiggly red line under it. I made myself chocolate frosting from scratch. Only to find there was NOTHING (because I have been so careful to keep junk out of my house) to put it on! I settled for a bag of pretzels and swiped them through the frosting. That and a big glass of milk finished me off. 
• After some guilt ridden feelings I console myself with the fact that I am in process. Every day. My goal to be healthy and fit is going to last for the rest of my life. For every unhealthy food choice I make, I am making at least 3 healthy ones...
• My kitchen looks like it exploded and now I am going to go to bed. After I put the homemade turkey and black bean chili in the fridge!

So there you have it. My life in process. Some good stuff, some not so good stuff, but all a part of the process.
Sweet dreams!

Enchanted Evening...

I follow a blog/website called Adding Zest to Your Nest and it has given me great tips, pointers, and insightful information from godly women about the marriage relationship. But we didn't need any extra help tonight! I encourage you to check it out some time. It will likely bless you!

On the way to a dear friend's wedding tonight I announced to my Love that my love tank was full (old Gary Chapman analogy from The Five Love Languages) and I was happy. I warned him to be careful not to pull the plug... we both laughed.

We enjoyed watching the bride and groom exchange their vows amongst their friends and family. Their tenderness for each other, the blessing of their parents, and the wise words of their Pastor refreshed our memory of our own precious day, now almost 19 years ago.

Then we headed to the reception. Good friends, old friends, visiting, laughing, a couple of drinks, more laughing, celebrating, sweet toasts, jokes and memories told, and then dancing! We danced and danced and laughed at how awkward we felt but didn't care! We bounced around enjoying the other dancers, some we knew and some we didn't. It was, the only word I can think of, exhilarating. So amazing to be uninhibited by what others might think of me. I even was told by a good friend how beautiful I looked - and I BELIEVED her!

This is the new Jennifer - I know I am not perfect or even where I want to be physically, but I want to LOVE every moment right NOW. There is no reason to hold back. REALLY. Why? What time should I waste wondering or worrying about others perception of who I am instead of living who I KNOW I am???

Wow. I hope that revelation sticks... It's a good one. I believe it will - It is God's heart for me. I am sure.

This time last year...

I have been pondering how much has changed since then.

September 2009 found me sending off my oldest son to Kindergarten, having 2 little guys still at home and calling on my Mom to come and watch all 3 while I went out of town to the MOPS Convention in Nashville. I had an amazing time. God fed me in the training, the encouragement, and most specifically the confirmation that I was to bring a MOPS group to New Life for working and single moms. It was a wonderful time of celebration and savoring a new vision for the coming years.

During my time in Nashville I had an evening out with a woman I knew from years past. We had connected a bit on Facebook, but since I was going to be in the area, she packed up her four kids and came and took me out to dinner. We had a wonderful dinner at Rainforest Cafe and really precious deep heart conversations. Several times we both broke into tears of empathy, gratitude for God's bringing us together, and laughter. That long weekend in September was a turning point in my life.

My friend and I continued to talk occasionally, but when October rolled around and I looked at this picture of me, I knew SOMETHING had to be done. I felt alive, beautiful and full of joy the day this picture was taken, until I LOOKED at it.

It is actually a pretty great picture of our family if it weren't for my Love's head being cut off and me unable to look past the shape of my body to the joyful smiles of my family.

So, I called my friend in Tennessee (yes, I have other friends closer but she was the one I felt led to call), who, by the way is a health and fitness focus person. She jumped online and sent me two books to get me started. They were a great help and so was her telephone and email coaching. I cried a lot. I felt embarrassed a lot. I felt like everyone in the gym was staring at me. I felt like I was trying to remove my fat, one cell at a time. It was REALLY hard the first few months. I had almost forgotten how hard it was...

UNTIL TODAY.

I told you yesterday about my being nervous about going into the weight room. Well, it was worse, I didn't even REMEMBER to be nervous about what it feels like to start a new workout routine!

I did my warm up confidently. I walked back to the back corner of the upper level which is often pretty quiet and opened my book with the exercises in it. ALL NEW ONES! Ugh! I had read through them 2 or 3 times before but that didn't make DOING them any easier.

I felt awkward and unsure of myself. Some of them hurt and so I stopped. Others I could do and felt the fresh burn of carving new muscle out of puny flesh. When you work out for even a short time you quickly discover the difference between "good pain" and "bad pain". I experienced BOTH today. I didn't hurt myself but I was terribly self conscious of my body, my movement, and the people around me (who of course could care less what I was doing!).

Once I got through the ones I could figure out, I headed downstairs to the weight room. I walked around a bit, trying to figure out what piece of equipment resembled what I was supposed to use according to the book. I finally found it and there were 3 men in 4 spaces using it.

I walked out of there. I chickened out, whispering a prayer asking God to forgive me and knowing I would have to confess to all of you that I bailed on my workout today. He told me to just wait. So I did. I talked with the trainer I know and he brought me back into the weight room and showed me how to use the equipment I needed. He also adjusted some of the exercises I was trying to do and made them more "do-able" for me. I was so grateful! God knew I needed help and provided just the encourager and coach I needed. Again!

As I continue to reflect on the sedentary but content me from a year ago to the active, energized, NEW me today I find myself at a loss. Yes, I am serious.

Because, like I said at the beginning, I am doing something new AGAIN. I forgot how hard it is to chart new territory. A few months ago I wrote a blog about a painful workout. Again today I was in pain. Charting new territory emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Funny thing though, not once did I consider not going back and doing that workout again. I will be there. Monday morning. Working out. Pushing through the good kind of pain, letting go of the anxiety of transition and reaching out for the new places God has put ahead of me.

The verse that has resonated in my spirit during this season of incredibly slow weight loss, not hardly any changes in clothing sizes or fit, and barley a noticed change in the mirror is this one:

Habakkuk 3:17-19
¹⁷ Though the fig tree does not bud
       and there are no grapes on the vines,
       though the olive crop fails
       and the fields produce no food,
       though there are no sheep in the pen
       and no cattle in the stalls,
 ¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
       I will be joyful in God my Savior.
 ¹⁹ The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
       he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
       he enables me to go on the heights.

It translates to me this way:

Regardless of the outward evidence I see of my inward transformation,
no matter what size I continue to wear,
Despite the fact that I expected to have changed more by now,

I rejoice in the LORD, my joy is in God my Savior,
HE is my strength
HE makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
HE enables me to go on to the heights - the path HE purposed for me.

You see, it doesn't matter what the evidence is - according to my eyes. What matters is my heart obeying Him. Walking the path He has laid before me. Yes, there are a few changes, and I have lost 25lbs. I do look a little different

I press on and keep at it, because I KNOW He has called me to this, He is equipping me for this, I am walking this out, one step at a time. For Him alone.

A new season is just uncharted territory waiting to be discovered. Awesome!

Sore Thighs and Muscle Memory... how far does muscle memory go back?

Yeah, I am REALLY sore today.

It hurts to sit down, it hurts to stand up. It hurts to twist, it hurts to bend.
You get the picture.

But, that means, my body still works. Do my muscles remember? I remember feeling like this before!

Muscle memory is a powerful thing and I am counting on it. I spent six months working on strength training before I switched to my triathlon training. I have missed it. Yes, really.

I really like feeling my body work hard, the ache in my muscles after a hard workout, the knowledge that I am continuing to burn calories for a full 24 hours after I workout. I love the strength being created in me.

After the first 2 weeks of major aches and pains, the transition to the "powerhouse" feeling instead of the wimp pushing through sore parts to just get through the workout.

Tomorrow though, that will be different... REALLY different.
I have to go into the weight room. Yes, the space reserved for testosterone laden sweat junkies who think that after bench pressing each others body weight for a few hours they will posses super human strength or at least super powers over the opposite sex.

An overweight mother of 3 is not likely to find a workout buddy there, BUT, it is the Kroc center and I have yet to meet anyone who has been rude. Mostly friendly folks with a decent number of people who don't even see me. The above concept of the "weight room" is just a guess, since I haven't been in a real weight room since I was in High School weight training class, which incidentally, I LOVED.

Do my muscles remember back that far? I have no idea. I guess I will find out tomorrow. Or after 2 weeks it won't even matter, I will be back to feeling like a powerhouse and ready to work hard to see some big changes in my body.

Time will tell!

My First Workout

Right now I am totally exhausted.

But earlier today, I had a wonderful workout. Every moment I felt my body coming back to life. It was such a great experience!

That is really all I've got tonight. I am just SO super tired.

Hoping to sleep well tonight. Hoping all my guys sleep tonight.

Will let you know...