Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Letdown and Tired of Waiting

I have finished well my second triathlon. I know what comes next. The physical, emotional, mental letdown. I know that to some degree everyone does it. Except maybe those folks who can just bust it out and jump to the next event. But for me, the letdown is big, again.

When I am training I am pushing through my body image issues to get the WORK done. I barely focus on the mirror (except to make sure nothing is hanging/falling out) but fix my gaze on the goal. I see myself in my mind's eye as strong, efficient, powerful.

I want to see the pictures of the event, I really do. But when I look at them I see them two different ways. It's not like I look at them and see it one way and then another, I see both of these things at once. I see the joy on my face and the fat of my butt, I see the strength and cut of my triceps as I hold the handlebars and the cleavage of tons of boob shoved into a cage-like sports bra. I see the belly that held my three miracles and the leftover skin and fat that remains, I see the squishy covering over the hard earned muscles that propel me to the finish line.

I know the heart behind the eyes of the woman I am. I ache for the body I've worked hard for to show instead of the lumps and bumps. I wonder if when people call me an "inspiration" is it because I am pushing past the size of my body to do something big or because, even though they are less than half my size, they would never be seen  in public wearing cycling shorts and a sports bra, let alone around a bunch of skinny and super fit people and random strangers looking on, or ?? (you fill in the blank).

My answer to myself, even today, was to write this poem, maintaining my transparency and the truth I choose to walk in.If it means looking like this, I will continue to do what He's asked me to do, solely because He's asked me to do it.

 Tired of Waiting

It is so hard.
   I am tired of it being so hard.
     All the time.

Pushing through
   Wanting to cry
     Smiling anyway.

Speaking life
   Learning not to shout
     But needing to get the grumpy out.

Changes longed for
   Motions gone through
     Still waiting.

Tired of waiting for my body to change
   Hard to find the beauty
     Looking, looking.

In Faith, believing
   In Truth, knowing
     In Hope, walking.


  1. While we were going throught photos and sorting them out a gal at my office made this comment on your photo "WOW, look at the smile on her face, she is really enjoying herself". We all look at the bad in ourselves, but others look at the GREAT!!!! You have inspired many people that you probly don't even realize. Because of you, others will "give it a try". I am so proud of you, keep up the amazing work!!!
    Connie Price

  2. You're an inspiration because you inspire others to be better and do more. Period.

    You are an encouraging giving person so of course you inspire many.

    Besides that, it was a half mile swim and a 12 mile bike ride all followed by a 3 mile run. That should inspire almost anyone.

    Size had nothing to do with the way you and Erik inspired me to do it. That's my 2 cents. And besides that even if it you do inspire other people to be themselves in their own skin, accept the blessing that you encourage others to be themselves. That's really cool. You inspire many people for many reasons. If the world were as caring as you, it would be a very cool place.

    Thanks for being you and keeping life real! Fake people suck anyways. Then End. Mad Love your way- JTS

  3. I think that you are a shining example of a Proverbs 31 woman, and you are an inspiration to me for the wonderful mother and wife and follower of Jesus that you are! I hope you know how proud God must be of you!! I will be praying for you over the week, and I hope you feel completely opposite about things very very soon!!!

  4. You inspire me because you're happy and excited to do it. There was NO smile on MY FACE while I was biking or "running" during my triathlons. I did it to do it, not because it was fun. I didn't even realize how much I should have appreciated the ability to complete that until reading of your experiences. I'm thinking next year I might have to try again. :)

  5. Hi, Jennifer, how are you? I see you succeeded at completing another triathlon, you champion, you! I’ve been remiss on my visiting but I try to skim through facebook to at least keep up a little.

    Just wondering how your God in the Yard journey is going? I received an email from L.L. Barkat wondering the same I realized that I have not been a very good steward of this process. I tried to email you, but for some reason my emails keep being returned to me.

    Do you know where the book goes next? I can check if you don’t. Do you mind updating me on your progress? Thank you, sweet friend. Life is busy, I know, I know. No worries, just trying to rein it in.