Pushing Past Fear

I swam in the lake tonight with my Love. His Mom and our kids watched from the car.

I felt okay in my new wetsuit. It is a little big on me. But it's much better than what it could be considering it's a men's suit cut down for this short girl.

But here's the deal. I am afraid this time. Last time I did a triathlon I had a book that I worked through. I read it and diligently did every single workout faithfully. When it came time for race day I knew I was physically ready to do the race.

This time my fitness level was already beyond the book so I did different workouts, added some classes, and focused more on my nutrition. I haven't spent as much time swimming, biking or running as I would have liked. I got sick a couple of weeks ago and spent most of it resting instead of getting in several more good workouts. We also went camping, did fun family stuff, and listened to the kids when they said they were sick of going to the Kroc (where I work out).

I was talking to a friend tonight I told her I was struggling with acknowledging that this triathlon isn't going to be much different than last year. I am just going to have to focus on finishing. Why? Because I have a life apart from biking, running, and swimming. My three little boys need their mom. I want to be there for them. When I push hard in my training like I have the last few days, I have SO much less energy to attend to them and I hate it. I have already decided that the majority of tomorrow will be spent snuggling, playing cards, and generally hanging out with them. Same for Friday. I have a bike ride to do tomorrow morning but other than that, and a few more loads of what seems like endless laundry, THEY will be my focus, not this silly race.

They are the reason I do this stuff. It sounds a little wacky, but as a former executive secretary and couch potato I knew I wanted more for my kids and I than a sofa-surfin' life. I want to run with them, kick the soccer ball around and be generally able to race them and at least keep up! Sure, I could have just picked one sport, but really, I get bored with exercise fairly easily. I don't find it terribly fun. With cross-training like this plus strength training I am always doing something different.

I really thought I would weigh less by the time I did another triathlon. I thought I would just be smaller and therefore faster than I was. I am not. Not much has changed. I believe I am stronger and more confident in my bike and swim. My run is just what it is, a slow steady pace for a girl who has half her body weight to lose.

Someone asked me today if I was bothered about it being here locally. I said no, but now that I think about it... nope. "I yam what I yam" to quote Popeye. I have nothing to hide and nothing to bare. I am just me. Working hard for fitness, completing a goal and pushing past comfort zones (mine and the people watching my curvaceous self).

Back to my messed up head...
What the heck is my problem? The negative self talk is pounding at me like a hammer. Like Energizer bunnies the questions and fear bang in my head: Will I be able to do this? My anxiety is literally off the charts (went to bed last night almost shaking), the fear of wiping out due to exhaustion, and the questions in my head about is this all worth it?

These "bunnies" that I would normally shoot down with scriptural bullets are evading destruction. So, on some level I am agreeing or entertaining them still.

BUT

If I take a deep breath, I look at the over 900 minutes I have spent training in just the last 5 weeks (about 15 hours) I am well aware that I can do this race. Would I love to be more fit and more trained sure, but I already gave you the reasons above why I am not.

Bottom line: I have not reached my own expectations of where I thought I would be in fitness or weight/size. I am disappointed and because I didn't do it "by the book" this time, I have no real concrete thing I can point to that says "You're ready!" (insert big fake grin here)

I will push past the fear because I KNOW I CAN.

I need to spend the next couple of days hunkered down in what/who I know God has called me to be as a wife, mom and athlete. Like my friend Iron Tony (Ironman 2010 finisher and my coach on bike and swim) says, "Freak out now! Go on, get it all out! Now....relax. Breathe. Reflect on your training. The race is nothing more than a 2+ hr training day. You've put in the hrs. You're golden!"

He's right.

Now I have to go shoot the "bunnies".

If you want to help me shoot the "bunnies" leave me a note - anonymous or otherwise letting me know if I have encouraged you at all in this crazy journey I am on!

Cough, Cough, Sniff, Sniff...

As a full-time stay-at-home-mom I find myself a little grumpy when I get sick. This challenge to my attitude comes because I KNOW if I can only get some real rest I can resume my regular duties swiftly.

But that almost never happens, does it?

So, I cook, sneeze, do dishes (feeling my brain smash up against my forehead when I bend over for to fill or empty the silverware and other items on the bottom), fold laundry, cough, sniff, cough, trying to keep the balance between sanity, good nutrition, sniff, and yes, good parenting along with trying to get some good rest. Cough, cough.

I don't know about those of you reading this but having a head cold does not promote good eating as well as good attitudes. I work hard on both when I am not feeling better when I want to.

The last few days have been a real test. This is what I've done:

 - Snuggle my kids - invite them to settle in on the couch with me

 - Once I am "up" try to accomplish something I value - like give myself a clear surface to look at while I surf the sofa with my 5yr old on my lap.

 - Challenge my guys to fun tasks - yesterday I challenged my 7yr old to make as many Star Wars space ships as he could out of his Legos. He made 6! He was so proud! So was I.

 - Close my eyes - yes, my sons have finally reached the stage where, IF I am easily available (and front and center in the living room) I can close my eyes for a few minutes and not worry about the house falling down around me. Dozing like this usually invites at least one of them to curl up with me. Something I don't usually make a lot of time for when I am busy.

 - Fuel my body for health - When I feel crappy I often eat crappy. I am trying to change that. Recognizing that nutrition remains a MAJOR key to all health and fitness goals. Eating healthy while sick HELPS me get better faster!

 - Rest my body - I am 16 days away from my first triathlon for the summer. I am in full training mode and that is the biggest reason for me to struggle with my attitude. I have good momentum built and now STOP!! I'm sick!! Grrr!!! But, this is a reminder that completing a triathlon is NOT more important than my caring for my body, nurturing or nourishing my children with my presence as well as good food, and super important, encouraging my Love as he prepares for his first tri.

 - Trust my fitness level. I work really hard, often,  on my fitness. If I take a minute to consider the condition of my body, I really KNOW I am strong enough to complete the race ahead. Would I love to be faster, stronger, leaner? - you betcha, but the progress I am making is still progress... and I don't want to make it at the expense of any of the valuable people in my life!!

There ya have it...

I still am not sure how to do it ALL the time. But I am working on it.

Being Who God Made Me to Be - No Matter What

I haven't really posted much on here consistently and a lot of it has to do with so much happening in my heart and mind. I can't really nail it down and I feel like I am hanging on for the ride.

I have been contemplating my impact on all of you, my readers. I've been asking God to give me what I need to share.

I have been feeling a lot like this lately:


It actually makes me laugh at myself and keeps me headed in the right direction.

Today I hurt myself walking into the gym. Yep. I made it into the front door, checked the kids in, visited with a good friend, then walked into the workout area only to have my annoying slight twinge in my hip escalate into full on muscle spasm.

Sometimes I can work it out with exercise, so I tried the elliptical, that hurt more, so I headed for the pool, noticing there was a water aerobics class starting in a few minutes so I tried that, too much twisting my owie hip, so I got out during class (never really done that before) and went to the hot tub. I can only imagine how great I looked backing the right side of my booty into a jet at just the right angle... ugh. That helped for a bit. Long enough to get dressed and head back to get the kids, limping.

All that to say, our hope is not in what we can "DO" but in who God has made us to BE. Today I have been fighting the "why try" and "who cares" attitudes.

The still small Voice in my heart keeps reminding me that today is obviously a rest day for my body but everything else doesn't have to go down the drain.

Being honest, I did indulge in a few peanut butter filled pretzels and about 30 chocolate chips with a cup of hot tea, but I didn't eat the WHOLE bag of chocolate chips or 17 more pb filled pretzels. I will also count those calories. :)

I have several good friends whose lives are much more challenging than mine right now. Keeping perspective that yes, my life is hard today but other's need me to engage and encourage them more than I need to feel sorry for myself.

I copied this great mini-message from one of my favorite young pastors (Chris Lauri) off of his Facebook Status:

"Faith in Christ is not about becoming an island. Salvation is not a tropical getaway where we can retreat to focus on ourselves. Share the love and the grace you've been blessed with. "A man who isolates himself seeks his own desires." Proverbs 18:1"

My thoughts - even if your life isn't a tropical getaway, sharing the Love and Grace is essential to God's design in you!

So, aching hip, praying for my husband, snuggling with my boys, texting back and forth with a friend who needs encouragement, praying for another's new baby, praying for dear ones who just had to say good-bye to their wife & mom,  making wise choices in my eating and my parenting, responding to a mommy who wants to come to MOPS, listening to God's call to pray for businessmen in my community, are all the ways God is using me to BE His Love and Grace today. 

What are you "being" (not "doing") to someone today?

Why I MUST complete my weight loss/fitness goals

“I must complete my weight loss and fitness goals, because if I don’t…” is a prompt on my spark people "motivation" discussion. The team leader posted a quote from a podcast she heard - here is part of it: "Give yourself a minimum of 5 personal and important reasons why you must do this. You need to separate dreams and wants from things that you must do. If you can come up with 10 reasons why you must be successful, you will be twice as likely to be successful."

The idea of separating dreams and wants from the things I must do intrigues me. I don't know if I have ever thought about losing weight that way. 

Here is my attempt to do so...

I must complete my weight loss and fitness goals because if I don't I will spend the rest of my life regretting it.

I believe I was designed to be an athlete and then puberty, hormonal shifting and emotional eating took over. I don't think I leaned on food until we moved to Idaho and our super active southern Cali lifestyle came to a snow-covered, ice-laden, freezing-cold halt.

After 3 boys, a miscarriage, several dear friends unexpected departures to Heaven, battling Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.), and having a fairly sedentary lifestyle the pounds just keep adding up.

1) I must lose the weight because I need to LIVE every day to the best of my ability. Being overtired, overwhelmed, overloaded, overeating, prevents me from doing exactly that.

2) I must accomplish my fitness goals because I know I CAN. I have experienced an internal strength and tenacity I didn't know I had since I began working out.

3) I must attain the emotional and mental steadfastness that comes with not being ruled by lack of sleep, an unhealthy diet, and rampant cravings.

4) I must achieve my weight loss and fitness goals because anything less would be settling for second best. I have a good life. I have an awesome hubby, great kids, dear family, precious friends and to allow myself to settle for the "adequate" version of me is selling us all short on what God's design was for me and my life in the beginning.

5) I must make these changes because I really hate being run by anything that doesn't bring about LIFE. Being run by food, lack of fitness, and my emotions all leads to death or at best a complacent mind set. I want to be vibrant, fully loaded with the spectacular strength and tenacity I am capable of in order to be a completely relevant example of living life to the fullest!

That's it for now. But I will contemplate this further... without a doubt.

Me, Ben, Jerry and the Time Traveler’s Wife

It was our first camp out of the year.

My Love was off with his best buds for their annual camping weekend. He didn’t need to take our camper this year, so the kids and I decided to make use of it.

It was about 9:15pm when my youngest finally crashed into a coma, literally minutes before an amazing hurricane like storm blew through. As I listened to the wind whipping the torrential rain around our camper parked safely in our driveway, it dawned on me I had left several windows in the house open.

Feeling a little like Dorothy rushing home to Auntie Emm, I ran into the flying rain in my pajamas and zipped through the house closing windows as fast as I could, hoping some unexpected crash of thunder didn’t awaken my soundly sleeping bundles of energy.

On my way back to the camper I zipped into the garage to grab the pint of New York Super Fudge Chunk I picked up at the store as my final indulgence before returning to the no flour, no sugar eating plan I will start on Monday.

I was half-way through my frozen decadence before the ridiculous amount of previews was over and the actual movie started. I clicked on the “closed captioning” for the film because this was the first time I figured out that there is something really wrong with the audio on my CD-ROM. I am sure the irritation of the crackling interruption to the sound altered my cinematic experience.

But, I did gain a few bits of insight that I am willing to share:

-         1200 calories goes down very easily when it is creamy, chunky, nutty chocolaty goodness.

-         Lousy sound can be overcome by a really great story.

-         The Time Traveler’s Wife enlightened me on a few topics; time travel (always wanted to try it but I see now that it would be challenging if it was random and you show up everywhere naked), true love (she chose to love the dream and the reality – even when it was hard), quality time (it can be truly relative when you never know when or how long the Love of your life will be around).

Once it was over, I thanked God again for my Love (and our relatively normal life) and snuggled down in the springs of the mattress and the lumps of the camper pillow. I slept until...

  I was awakened at 4:15am by the sounds of our neighbor hitching up his boat to go fishing. I prayed my kids would sleep longer than the summer usual of 5:30, experienced annoying regret over eating the entire pint, and contemplated the value of time in my life.

Expanding on the value of time in my life will have to wait. It is 5:41am and two of my three are conscious and about to wake up my third…

Endurance and My Birthday Present

I have two things to talk about today.

Last week I asked the Lord why it was SO irritating to me when the boys spilled something. My reaction seemed to be way over the top most of the time. It didn't make sense to me. After all, they are little kids and they do spill. Normal right?

Yes, that is right.

The word He whispered in my heart was endurance. I found this definition online - the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina:

This season of my life is VERY messy. If I'm not cleaning messes, they are or I am trying to get them to pick up their messes, or dealing with the fallout of a mess - like spilling milk all over the table, shoes, jeans, shirt right before we have to leave for school. What frustrates me is the constant perpetual messes and the need for them to be cleaned up. 

I am thankful for my little "mess-makers" and I wouldn't trade them for a nice clean house any day, but I do grow weary of it. That is why I liked the definition so much. 

When God spoke to me about endurance, my attitude changed. After all, I have endured a lot of things in my life and "messes" are by far the smallest and easiest things to handle well, especially when you consider the high stakes of my child's heart. Since then, my response is not frustration (well, maybe a little bit-sometimes) but patience and tolerance for the learning curve they have. 

I forget that they are still learning to pour milk, eat dinner without elbows, plates or siblings crashing cups, and brush their teeth without gunking up the sink with toothpaste. I supervise all of this stuff, but let's face it, I am outnumbered and being everywhere at once is just not possible.  Now, I just clean, or help them clean thanking God for the little people He gave me to clean up after.

Speaking of Endurance...

For my birthday, I am going to do a small triathlon at the gym. There will be no timing chip, no transition area, just me, the gym, and 2 hours of child care for my youngest fella. 

My plan is to swim 400 yards (1/4mi approx), bike 8mi, and run 3mi. I may have to cut my run a little short just to make sure I get back to pick up my little prince within the allotted time, but I am going to go as far as I can. 

Why would I do this? Because I CAN. I am going to celebrate entering into my 40s with the strength and fitness I have been working so hard for in the past 2 - 3 years. 

Celebrate with me tomorrow by doing something active that is going to bless your body!  

Bumpy Day

 We all know that having a crappy day happens. It sucks, but it does. Yes, I am being non-classy in my word choice, please pardon my rough edges.

I have spent the last 10 days or so walking in this place of razor sharp discernment and wisdom. I have been hearing God's voice clearly and spoken many words of life into many hard situations and to precious people. I should have been ready when stuff went sideways, it often happens that way.

Marital communication breakdowns (yes, we all have them), kids dumping soap down sink drains while water is running foaming it to overflow, pouring water outside of the bathtub, soaking freshly laundered clothes, cleaning up the same mess 7 times in an hour, desperately longing to enjoy my fellas instead of discipline and train them in wise choice making, and trying to figure out how to deal with household maintenance concerns without disrupting anything major... it all adds up to one really stressed out Mommy.

But it didn't have to.

I have been exercising, eating right, praying, staying in the Bible, basically doing everything I know I should be doing for optimal results and yet, the enemy of my soul still managed to whisper a lie into my head that I believed...

"Nothing is ever going to change - you will never get organized, lose weight, be a great mom, make your husband happy... etc."

It is a lie. But I didn't shut it down and immediately speak the truth in my heart or out loud to blast it back to the dark territory it came from. So it festered like an infected wound for the last couple of days until it finally surfaced when a convergence of not terribly unusual circumstances reared their annoying but not disastrous heads.

THAT was when disaster struck.

Now that I have been prayed for (it takes a lot for me to post a "SOS" type status on my Facebook page), the fog is clearing and the truth is surfacing...

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (Amplified Bible)¹⁶Be happy [in your faith] and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually (always);    ¹⁷Be unceasing in prayer [praying perseveringly];    ¹⁸Thank [God] in everything [no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful and give thanks], for this is the will of God for you [who are] in Christ Jesus [the Revealer and Mediator of that will].

Now, I personalized the above verse for my situation today:

I choose to be happy in my faith and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually (always), praying without ceasing and persevering in that prayer (even when the sink is foaming and the tub is being emptied manually), thanking God in my challenges of communicating in my marriage because I have a wonderful husband that loves me and his family and it will always be worth the trouble to sort out our misunderstandings. I will give thanks for my Love and the children I begged God for because it is His will for me to walk this road. I will learn I am not defined by my circumstances, He defines who I am. He is the revealer and mediator of His plan for my life. I can give thanks because God's perspective is much more broad and wise than my understanding of any of this. 

Thank you for your prayers. Please forgive the extra words, I am still not functioning on all cylinders. But God is good and I will be fine... now for a nap.

I must add - despite my momentary desire to bag my NO SUGAR eating plan due to today's stressors, I DID NOT CAVE!! I finally ate a wise portion of healthy food and leaned on my strategies to prevent failure instead of wiping out my vision for success. Yay! :)