Dear Sleep,

Dear Sleep,

We have this strange connection. I know I need you and you need me but we never seem to come together long enough. I am pretty sure you are one of the key components to my wellness success and yet I don't make time for you.

I am going to take some time to explain what I don't like about you even though I know what I say won't change you.
- You take up my quiet time
- You can play hard to get
- You make me want more of you
- You ... okay so there aren't that many things I don't like about you...

So why don't we spend more time together?

Here are a few things I do like about you:
- You like me.
-You refresh me
- You provide time for some rather interesting dreams
- You keep me humble (snoring like a freight train can sometimes do that)
- You help me do a better job being me

I miss you. I need to make more time for you and since this week I am challenged to do that, I am going to step it up and put time for you in my schedule. Please be patient with me since you and I both know there are other people involved in this relationship.

Sincerely,
Yawning Mommy

Kicking My Own A$$

LOL! I say it all the time (in my head at least)! Its a quote from Happy Gilmore. At the beginning of his golfing "career" he says to his buddy that "if I wore pants like that I'd have to kick my own ass."

For some weird reason it stuck with me and when I work out really hard, its the line that runs through my head.

P90X is HARD! It is great work but dang! I have to pay so close attention to my body to make sure I don't hurt myself!  AND I have to work double time in my mind to keep up my half marathon training too because every time I run I am so tired that I am sure I won't be able to do it.

"Baby Steps" - another movie quote from "What about Bob?" I love that movie!

So, I keep pressing forward, running when I can, even when I'm tired.

Thanks for all your encouragement and support!

A New Rhythm (Courageous Part 3)

I keep feeling like I am starting over.

Isn't that silly?

As if I have lost ground on this journey to lose weight and become a healthy, fit woman. I guess I might think that if I ate donuts this weekend... oh wait, I did!

But the real deal, actual truth is I am on this journey and I am gaining ground and losing weight. It may not look like what I'd envisioned when I started, but it's okay. I am grateful for the confidence, finally, that I will see it all the way through to the end.

Before I got in the pool today I was wondering if I still remembered how to swim. It's been three weeks since I was able to get to the gym and it felt foreign climbing back into the cold water I spent so many hours in just a few short months ago.

Turns out I did remember how to swim, even though it felt a bit awkward at first. But, I went with the awkward feeling and made myself breathe on my off side. So instead of swimming my regular steady rhythm of breathing to my right, I made myself breathe to the left. It felt strange. I swallowed some water and no doubt drew the attention of the lifeguards a few times.

I asked myself why I was doing this... swimming on the "wrong" side just to make myself uncomfortable. I shot up a prayer in my heart...

I heard the whisper, "You are finding a new rhythm, a way not entirely foreign, but uncomfortable because it's different than what you're used to doing."

Ohhhh, okay.

As I kept swimming I pondered that bit of input. I considered the things I have committed to change lately, in addition to changing my eating habits and getting the exercise I need.

1) I have to stop yelling at my kids. Many times I am not angry, just pushing up my volume to get their attention... seriously, I taught them that is okay. Now it's coming back at me. Disrespect back at my disrespect... yuck. It has to change. Yelling is disrespectful. Period. It has to stop. I will stop. It is a nasty habit that will end. It must.

2) Random clutter must not be a part of our home. I pile stuff up that I am not sure what to do with. I keep stuff I should get rid of. I don't do things right away because I can do them later when something else isn't as pressing... another nasty habit. It will stop. It has to. It is not cultivating the environment I want to raise my family in. I don't want to be constantly looking at more to do. I want to see clear spaces, things put away in their proper place and enjoy the rest of someone who knows there will be stuff to do tomorrow, but for today, things are done.

I have been asking God to give me the courage to change/remove/delete these habits and I started working toward the change I want. 

It has been a little uncomfortable and I have made mistakes, lots, but until I heard that voice in my heart today in the pool I didn't have a clue what to do except go with what Nike says and "Just Do It".

Realizing I am developing a new rhythm has helped me come to terms with the discomfort I am experiencing, just like in the pool. I may swallow some water, cough or choke a bit, but in the end, if I keep at it, I will have developed a couple of new habits that are vital to the blessing of my family and be able to breathe on the left side as comfortably as I do on the right.

Like Dori from Finding Nemo says, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

Courageous (Part 2)

This is under my "Courageous" heading because it feels a little intimidating to put all of this "out there". But, because I am passionate about staying REAL with my plans, dreams and desires, it seems important to post.

 

This past couple of weeks have been pretty hard with sick kids keeping me from going to the gym and my lack of motivation to eat healthy running over my intention to remain "Courageous" in my pursuit of a healthy, fit and happy me. So I decided to re-evaluate where I want to go in order to get off my cowardly booty and get moving towards goals again. 

 

Here it is:

 

Weight Loss Vision and Fitness goals

October 26, 2011 – March 6, 2012 (19 weeks)

I will be healthy and strong,
 able to maintain a fit and quality balanced life in every area.

Spiritually I will be moving humbly and confidently in the gifts God has given me, deliberately listening to Him every day.

Emotionally, I will walk in the Spirit, aware of the "curve balls" of life and consistently living in the Fruit of the Spirit: Galatians 5:22-23 (The Message Version) But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. 
 
Mentally, I will embrace filling my head with edifying and interesting information designed to “build” my mental muscles. I will read a book a month (balanced between spiritual growth, parenting, leadership development, and entertainment).

Physically, I will be training for the Coeur d’Alene Half Marathon on May 27, 2012, looking forward to 2 Sprint triathlons (Hayden and Wunder Woman), considering the Long Bridge swim (still praying about that one) and actively weight training. I will learn how to use the ‘foam roll’ stretching technique and enjoying spinning class. I will never take for granted my ability to do anything athletic and be grateful I have a body that I can move!

I have no idea what I will weigh or what size I will wear.

 

I look forward to living in a body and mind that are healthy and fit, raising my children to do the same, and working together as a family to serve the church and community as the Lord leads.

Courageous (part 1)

I have just returned from a glorious vacation with my Love. Celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary has been a whirlwind of memories and laughter. Collage posters of old pics and new remind me of how I looked back then and now.

The interesting thing: I remember how I felt about myself back then and how I feel now. Separating body image from self-image is something that I highly recommend.  I am not exactly sure how or when it happened but one day, only a year or two ago, I looked in the mirror and who I am was different than what my body looked like.  I encourage anyone with any "body issues or eating issues" to take a moment to consider that you (who you are on the inside) are not only the sum of how you look in the mirror. I didn't see that back then. All I saw were the flaws in my body when I looked in the mirror. I see that 20-something girl and wish she knew how beautiful she was - inside and out.

I am a part of a weight loss challenge at my local gym right now. We are broken up into teams. My team is called "Courageous". Each of us is significantly overweight and so we have a long way to go. We have different challenges in our lives that tempt us to stray (in actions or attitude) from our desire to become the fit, strong, healthy women God designed us to be. However, each of us take turns reminding each other to be "Courageous".

It takes TIME to work through the "gunk" that got us to where we are right now.
It takes ENERGY to get to the gym to get the exercise we know our bodies need.
It takes STAMINA to keep up the hard work when we get sick, go on vacation, get stressed or tired, and feel like caving in to the moment.

We know this is a journey. One day at a time we have to focus on our goal, encourage each other and keep up a steady pace toward the finish line.

Courage means "the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc. without fear; bravery."

Courageous means possessing or characterized by courage.

The opposite of courage - cowardice.

We want to be courageous as we approach this challenge that many of us have been struggling with for over 20 years.

We are keeping up the good hard work - TOGETHER.

And someday, I will look back on the pictures taken this summer and the ones taken so many summers before and see a courageous woman who took on a big challenge and saw it through all the way to the end.

May you be blessed and I pray, find dear ones to join you on your journey.

Swimmin' A Mile

This was my biggest physical challenge yet. I have already written about how hard it was training for this.

Last Monday I met Iron Tony at the lake for a final mile before race day. It was good, working hard on technique and not letting a single negative thought in my head. I found that focusing on the many techniques to swim well and this worship song kept me busy enough there was no space for "I can't do this" thinking.

We finished up just short of a mile with a time of 52:00. It was just too dark to swim further. I felt victorious and excited. I KNEW I could have kept swimming if it wasn't too dark, I still had "gas left in my tank!"

The next day I had a particularly discouraging conversation with someone who should have been encouraging. It had to do with my swim and his assessment that I was unprepared to meet the 50 minute cut off time because I didn't train enough. It was devastating. Especially after the hours I DID spend training within what my life allowed.

I reached out for the ones who know me. My Love, my Coach/Friends, and Iron Tony all assured me he was wrong and I would give it my strongest best effort and that was all that mattered. I contacted the race director expressing my concern over the time limit. He remembered me from my previous triathlon and he was sure I would be fine (at the pre-race meeting they announced we would have 70 minutes from our start time to finish the swim - I could DEFINITELY make it in that time).

I took one final swim in the pool on Friday, after staying out for two days because of that unpleasant encounter. The Coach for my "Water For Lunch" class helped me do one final, light workout, gave me some really great input and helped me make a strategy for race day. I walked away from the pool full of confidence, sure I would be able to have my best swim ever.

I cleaned house for the rest of the day Friday, went to our pre-race meeting with my Love who was cycling and our friend who would complete the run, had a yummy dinner of grilled fish, rice, and broccoli then folded laundry til about 9:30 that night. I flipped through my Amplified version of the Bible (because it was beside my bed and felt led to Philippians 4:13, the verse you see around a lot "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." BUT, in the Amplified version, it reads like this: "I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]." I felt this old favorite verse penetrate deep within my soul. I spent a moment thanking God for speaking to me and went to sleep.

I woke up to a beautiful Saturday morning, confident and excited. Leaving Nana at home with our fellas we headed out to pick up our friend. We parked and started walking toward the park. I felt the pre-race electricity in the air. Athletes all converging anticipating optimal performance from all their training.

I squeezed myself into my black and red wetsuit, chuckling as usual. I walked down and got in the lake with many of the athletes. This time I felt like I belonged there. Stepping in, walking deeper, wetsuit filling with the slightly warmer than expected lake water, I began to warm up, one stroke at a time, face in the water, taking breaths trying to keep one goggle in the water and only letting my mouth out for air. Swallowed water, spit it out, tried again. It worked this time, I was able to breathe without looking up to the sky, dropping my feet and slowing my momentum. It felt like home. The smell, the taste, the sounds, the rhythm of my strokes, all familiar.

I swam to the starting area, two other groups began before mine. Watching them swim ahead I tried not to look at how far away the buoys seemed, but focused on the fact I had done this distance 4 times in the lake and at least 6 times in the pool. I was ready. Without a doubt. And what a beautiful sky!


The horn sounded and I let almost all the swimmers go in before me. I hit the start button on my watch timer and got in. I wanted so badly to catch up with the pack, adrenalin kicking in fast and strong. BUT, my strategy held me back. I knew that in order to swim the entire mile at a strong steady pace without having to stop to catch my breath I would have to swim strong and technique focused not "fast".

I worked on keeping my head down, reaching for each stroke with my whole torso, pushing the water the length of my body and keeping my legs straight when I kicked. Each breath, keeping my head low, glancing up only every 20 strokes or so to spot the buoy ahead. I saw dozens of white swim caps like mine far ahead. I decided to focus on only my race, not how far behind I was. Again.

I hummed the same song from Monday in my heart, focusing on my body's ability to move through the water, God's beauty in me and around me knowing I could keep this pace the whole way. I passed a few swimmers joking with the people in kayaks watching out for us. I just kept swimming, no need to waste precious time chatting. I did have to stop unexpectedly when 18"-24" swells made it impossible to swim. A big boat had gone by. I rode the swells like I used to out in the ocean as a body surfing teenager, completely calm and only slightly annoyed they were slowing me down. As soon as they passed I got back to work.

It wasn't until I passed the final buoy that I started to notice myself getting tired. I kept swimming, kicking harder (just like I planned) so I wouldn't leave a bit of gas in my tank. I knew my Love was waiting for me to finish so he could take off on his bike. I didn't want to slow him down one bit.

All of a sudden I hear a voice, see an orange kayak and I have to stop and see what is going on. The man in the kayak says, "turn a bit, I don't want you swimming any farther than you're supposed to!" I made an adjustment in my direction and kept swimming. A few minutes later he was super close again. I stopped and looked up. "I am just keeping you on track! Wow! You're tenacious! Swimming hard for the final stretch! Great job!" He stayed by my side until I was close enough to see the place to exit the beach.

The whole time I was swimming with him by my side I kept thinking of the verse that says, "You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me." (Psalm 139:5 NKJV) or like I looked up later in the Message version, "I look behind me and you're there, then up ahead and you're there, too—  your reassuring presence, coming and going." That is how I felt. He was there. Watching me, hand on me, reminding me of His beauty in me, the strength He gave me, the power He gave me.

So I used it. All of it. The beauty, the strength, the power, all for His glory for the best swim of my life so far. I pressed the stop button on my watch and it said 48:41, an extraordinary time for me.

I was greeted at the finish of the swim by Iron Alicia, emotional but still taking my picture as I came out of the water. She cheered hugging me and telling me what a great job I did. I got choked up a bit but had to get up the stairs on tired wobbly legs to hand off the timing chip to my Love who was ready for his bike ride. I stopped to smile for my friend's Love who was taking my picture, their kids telling me "congratulations!"

My Love greeted me, beaming with "THAT WAS AWESOME!" grabbed my chip and took off on his bike. My friend and I talked about what an amazing time I had an how excited I was, how incredible I felt and how great it was to be done!

She and I visited, walking around a bit while we waited for my Love to come back from the grueling bike ride. He did. Finishing in his best time ever too. Our friend took off on her run, strong and fast. As far as I am concerned, she had the hardest part. By the time she started it was hot, most of the pack was ahead of her and part of the road was gravel. She still finished in a great time and we were all thankful for an excellent safe race.

What an amazing day. But yet, there is more to come. To quote Iron Tony, "Jen so proud of what you have overcome and achieved these last two weeks. The way in which you engage each new obstacle should forever be changed. Now, go out there and DO!" 

He's right. Each new obstacle will be engaged differently from now on. I KNOW from tangible personal experience in a major life event, "I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]." 

Water and Its Effect on Me

I have so many words "floating" around in my head today, anticipating the race on Saturday. I decided to take a "less is more" approach.

I have always loved the water. Years of visits to the beach, splashing on the shore and body surfing where I grew up in California, hours spent by the lakes, in them or on them (when friends share their boats with us), long soaks in the tub and drinking lots of it culminate into this:

Water

The sight of you blesses me

The refreshment of your presence

The sound of your motion

The power of your mass.

Walking beside you,

Listening to you speak,

Waves crashing,

Brooks bubbling,

Swells lapping the shore.

You pour over me when I am in you

You move me

Your depth is hard for me to consider

I don’t know what lies beneath

But I am drawn to you

Unnerved by your effect on me

I push past my fears

My questions

I press in

Move through

My strength is no match for yours

Except

The One who created you

Made me

Gave me something you will never have

A mind

Set on purpose and destiny

Fixed on a goal

Faith to the finish

You will be what you were created to be

Wet

Cold

Deep

I will be what I was created to be

Strong

Focused

Determined

At the end of this race
You remain the same
But I am forever changed.