God in the Yard - Week 5 Part 2 - Why I am comfortable expressing my feelings and problems

"I feel comfortable expressing my feelings and problems openly because..."

I am not defined by my problems. My challenges, even the internal ones do not make me who I am. They are only a part of me in the process of facing them and walking through them one day at a time.

Maintaining the perspective it is not "about me" makes these easier to share. My victories aren't any more "about me" than my defeats. My wounds, scars, processes all are for the purpose of glorifying God. When I hold back in fear of being judged when He is asking me to share, I rob Him of the glory He deserves.

When I fail in a big way and I am open about it, without fear of judgement, He is glorified as One who gives Grace, Who is capable of infinite Love and Strength when I am weak. Paul states this quite clearly in one of my favorite verses  "But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me". (2 Corinthians 12:9) When God gives me revelation on why I failed or where the root is in my weakness, who am I to hold back and keep it only for myself? If another can find victory from my weaknesses exposed, then I want that for them, because again, it's not "about me".

The flow of giving and receiving can be hindered if I hold back out of self-protection instead of allowing Him to be my protector and my vindicator. Like Isaiah says in chapter 54 verse 17, ^"No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, And their righteousness is from Me,” Says the LORD.

Now, to be clear, I am not saying EVERYTHING should be shared ALL the time. If others are involved I seek permission share their aspect of the issue and I try to use discernment about who/what/when I share - ALWAYS.

When He gives me insight in my strengths or in my weaknesses, it is always a gift. He is building my faith, strengthening my spirit and affirming His love for me. He has called me to share these insights with others because inviting them into my trials can bring encouragement to us both and God often has healing for them as well.

Ultimately, since it is not "about me" I am free from my need to make sure someone doesn't think poorly of me or judge me. When my eyes are on Him, my ear is listening for His heartbeat, and I wait on Him for revelation in my challenges and circumstances it doesn't just bless me, it usually blesses others too!

The "Heart" of an Athlete

Since my last blog was two weeks ago, I probably should confess a few things…

I am working out every single day I can. I am training for the Spring Dash, a local 5 mile race on April 17. I decided to run it this year after walking the whole way last year.

I have been training pretty hard for it, because despite my knowledge that I can finish it, I really want to run it.

Now, to clarify how I define running…

Right now I can run pretty steady at 4mph for at least a mile. That was my pace at the triathlon last September. The funny thing about that is, when my friend “Iron Tony” was helping finish my training before my race, he was walking beside me while I ran!

I see the other folks at the gym running 6mph or faster, and I assume that when you aren’t lugging my kind of weight with you, that is how fast you can actually run.

I decided that I want to increase my speed, so with the help of my fitness coach, encouragement from a few friends, I decided to up my speed. Carefully. Or so I thought.

This is where it gets interesting.

The canned response for almost anyone encouraging anyone to do anything is “Of course you can do it!” but you have to take in to consideration your audience. Most people are reasonable and stop when they know they are supposed to. I didn’t.

Last Friday, after being cooped up in the house for 3 days with sick kids AGAIN, I finally made it to the Kroc for a good hard workout. I needed it. I needed the endorphins and the pent up mommy frustrations to be pounded out on the treadmill and in my strength training routine.

My goal – Walk 5 minutes at 3mph, which for me is a pretty good pace, stop and stretch a bit, then run for 3 minutes at 4.5mph, walk a minute, 3 min run for 5 sets of 3 minute runs. It doesn’t seem unreasonable does it? I didn’t think so.

I am running along the first set staying relaxed, keeping my breathing even, and keeping an eye on my heart rate on the machine (I do not have a heart monitor). I ran my second and third set pushing harder as my heart rate continued to climb and I was having to really focus on my breathing. During my fourth set I noticed my hands were starting to tingle a bit, I grabbed the monitor bar on the treadmill and my heart rate was higher than I have seen it before. I walked for my minute and considered if I should push for the last set.

I decided I have spent 3 minutes of time wastefully and ridiculously in the past, why not push a little harder and finish my goal. I didn’t want to get all caught up in my head thinking I couldn’t do it when I was pretty sure I could. It’s just one foot in front of the other right?

As I started that 5^th set, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. During the first minute I remembered all the years I was an athletic trainer working “Hell Week” football and imagined this is how those poor guys felt running in the Cali heat in August!

My second minute I was noticing I had to breathe more carefully and try to relax a bit because breathing was becoming quite painful.

My third minute, I was so miserable I just pictured my backside in the mirror ( I have been making myself study my body in the mirror, making note of what I’d like to change and what changes are happening – Yes, I even “flex” a muscle or two ;)). Then I pictured how I wanted it to look. As I was staggering for the last 30 seconds I kept hanging on to the picture of the smaller behind. I grabbed the monitor bars in the last 15 seconds to check my heart rate and steady myself for the last few steps.

I DID IT!!!

I finished my goal. My final heart rate 180 beats per minute. I walked for a few minutes holding the bars and watching my heart recover back down to 150ish, and then it stayed there for a bit. I decided to get off the machine and just walk around.

My chest HURT. It felt like I strapped an elephant to it and the weight just kept increasing. I sat for a few minutes and stretched my legs. The pounding was subsiding but my whole upper torso ached.

I picked up the kids from the playcare and headed for home. I made a few phone calls to see if anyone was available to ask about what was happening to my body. I eventually called my doctor, since he knows what I am doing for training. He said I likely strained myself pushing too hard and if I still hurt in a few days I should come see him.

The pain eventually subsided but spiked again the next day after my second set of 3 minute runs. So I stopped. Stretched and did some weights.

The next day was better, I could get through three sets, but had to slow down to 4mph for the last set.

The fourth day I did three sets again starting at 4mph, then a faster set at 4.5, then another set at 4.

Each time I completed my run I felt like collapsing. Each time I didn’t want to do it again. I was afraid it would hurt like before. I tried harder to listen to my body and today, I am resting. No running. For 24 hours.

You may think I am nuts. And quite honestly I do too. But right now I am pressing ahead for the vision of myself becoming an athlete. Every true athlete I know pushes past discomfort to really get the most out of their workouts. I think what I proved to myself on Friday is that I already have the “heart” (not physically- but mentally) of an athlete.  

God in the Yard - Week 2 - Sabbath on a Page - 40 day FOCUS

Sabbath on a page happens to speak of resting and writing whatever comes out. The day before I wrote this I was in such turmoil I couldn't even think straight and my last words to my husband for the day were, " I suck!" and I went to bed. SOOO... with that in mind

The next morning I woke up refreshed and clear. I slept through the night for the first time in weeks (which definitely helps my perspective on life) and opened up to the end of week 2 of God in the Yard . The encouragement to have a "sabbath on a page" was less than intriguing, but as many of the exercises in this book do, I decided to plunge ahead and see what would pop out of my super sloppy scribbles.

I asked HIM for something to hang my hat on, focus on and marinate in. When I get out of sorts it is because I have lost focus. Considering the equation from my blog before this one and the scripture it contained, I decided to ask Him for a little more. Greedy? Yes, for the things of God, absolutely.

As I prayed I saw this reference in my mind - John 17:17 I looked it up first in the NIV (New International Version) but I wasn't sure what it meant by sanctify. So I looked it up in the AMP (Amplified version) which includes all the appropriate descriptions from the actual root word. Then I read on through verse 19 .

I then felt like I needed to make it personal. If the God of the universe was going to speak to me through His Word, I needed to do what I wrote about before and PAY ATTENTION.

In John 17 Jesus is praying to the Father about and for us. So we can personalize this because even way back then Jesus knew He was praying for YOU and ME. (I love that, by the way!)

Here is what that looked like:

¹⁷Sanctify Jennifer [purify, consecrate, separate her for Yourself, make her holy] by the Truth; Your Word is Truth.
    ¹⁸Just as You sent Me(Jesus) into the world, I also have sent Jennifer into the world.
    ¹⁹And so for Jennifer's sake and on her behalf I sanctify (dedicate, consecrate) Myself, that she also may be sanctified (dedicated, consecrated, made holy) in the Truth.

Okay now to make it even more personal, an actual prayer I can pray first person,

Father, please sanctify me, purify me, consecrate me, separate me for Yourself, make me holy by the Truth; Your Word is Truth. Just as You sent Jesus into the world, You also have sent me into the world. And so for my sake and on my behalf Jesus sanctified (dedicated, consecrated) Himself, that I also may be sanctified (dedicated, consecrated, made holy) in the Truth.
Thank you LORD!!

Okay, so what does that mean to me?

The sanctifying, purifying, consecrating, separating, holy-making work has been done (Jesus did it on the cross). He died so I could be all of those things. But I don't live that way.

So for the next 40 days I will be focusing on what walking that out looks like. I am not sure yet other than it is submitting to the caloric intake established for me, spending time in His Word, and listening to sermons on these topics. Beyond those things He has shown me to do, I will pay attention, listening for Him and watching for Him.

Transformation Equation - God in the Yard Week 2

In my other blog "The Journey Begins Today" I have written about my journey through the book God in the Yard by L.L. Barkat. I have bounced between both of my blogs because I want to stay true to what each one represents.

The Journey Begins Today is about me and my family. Our adventures, challenges and my journey as a wife, mother, daughter and friend in that process. This book is touching me in that facet of my life as well as in the area that this blog is focused on and that is my personal transformation from being overweight and tired into fit and athletic.

I am elaborating in this post on this equation:

Me box = all of who I am right now

Old Ways box =  
- leaning on food for comfort, celebration, energy when I should just go to bed, etc.
- breaking old habits of coping (yelling at my kids, impatient or disrespectful to my Love)
- STOP meeting my own needs - Not trusting God for His provision for ALL my needs emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually

Pay attention box =  This means staying in His Word, not for the purpose of the Law (rules and commands), but for the purpose of understanding His Grace and love for me that compels me to see the instructions He has laid out for me as a blessing and not a penalty - I love this passage in Hebrews!

Taking new action box = being willing to be uncomfortable and do something that stretches me. If I never make different choices, why should I expect to change?? You know the old saying about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results... yeah, I need to NOT do that!

Transformed me box = I have no idea what this final picture will look like. I really don't. I can't say I really care. I just know God is inviting me to be transformed and I want to take Him up on it.

My fellas think they should have breakfast, so I must attend to their tummy rumblings and embrace all God has planned for me today. I meet with a dietician today about my food intake. I really plan to pick her brain on all sorts of thoughts and questions. Lap band surgery, meal replacements, clean cooking, organic or not etc. I will let you know what I find out.

Thanks for being a part of my progress!

Uncomfortable (God in the Yard - Week 2 - Question 2)

I am currently reading a book called God in the Yard by L.L. Barkat and you can follow my journey more often on my 3boymomma blog, but this one specifically pertains to my pursuit of becoming healthy and fit so I am posting it here...

In the second week of my journey in the second section of questions I found this one:


"When I experience deep emotions that swing from one extreme to the other, I think this might mean..."

In the past it would have meant I was in desperate need of some deep inner healing... and maybe I do, but not in this season of my life.

I am going to answer this question as it relates to taking care of myself physically.

...I am charting new territory in my heart, body and mind and that is UNCOMFORTABLE!

Doing new stuff is hard. Parenting, changing the way I eat (and how my family eats too), adding intense focused exercise, and developing new habits of dealing with "stuff" pushes me out of the nest of my comfort zone. My first step may be in confidence and then, as I free-fall though the air of changing circumstances, eventually landing on my butt or nose, depending on the day, it HURTS! (yes, I know I don't always land in a painful place, but lately, that is how it seems.)

A few nights ago I drove away from the gym in pain. It took forever to find a parking place, so I almost gave up, then there were a million people there and I couldn't find an open piece of equipment, then when I did find one, my entire workout hurt (my hip to be specific). My whole body hurt by the time I was done. On my way back to the car I saw my full profile reflected in the glass on the wall. That image sealed the deal on the futility of my efforts these many months. I cried as I left the parking lot vowing I would never go back.

But, not to worry, I changed my mind within about 20 minutes, hearing my friend Tarri's voice in my head, "If it was easy, everyone would do it."

I said earlier I am charting new territory. I have to get past the "been there done that" mentality after my successful triathlon completion and push my body for more. To be Faster, Stronger, Leaner, Smarter, I must cover new ground and open myself up to more intense feelings of discomfort.

I have no doubt that the first "step" out of the nest for a bird, ready or not, is uncomfortable. That is how I feel. Change is uncomfortable. It can be exciting and rewarding, but it still different from what once was.

This question comes to mind, if I am comfortable - is there a reason to change? I don't think so.

Being in my current body is quite uncomfortable in many ways. When I look in the mirror I don't look like how I feel. I am me, but I am slowed by the burden of my weight and my muscles built with so much effort are buried in excess fat. My positive personality and zest for life are distorted by my appearance (to others) and make my passion for my Savior seem less credible with such obvious sin encasing my frame.

I am not going to lie. I am not far from that place I was last week. Tears are very close to the surface. I have spent way too many years being "comfortable" and the body I have now is the result. I need to become uncomfortable with the status quo and do something uncomfortable - jump out of my nest and become consistently uncomfortable but fully at peace - because I know I am doing what God has asked me to do. I was saying to a friend today, this journey is uncomfortable. That discomfort is the driving force that will get me to where I want to be.

Resting...

His hand touched my face, awakening me as he stretched and relaxed against my frame. Instantly I was transported to a season in time when I would tuck his small head into my armpit and his toes would reach only to my waist. Now, 3 years later, clad in his favorite lime green and white "Buzz Lightyear" uniform jammies, his toes reach all the way to my knees.

I lay in bed listening to him breathe, soaking in his sweet presence knowing that if I give in to my aching bladder, he would not feel my warmth and would awaken, eager to join his brothers out in the living room for the "while mommy wakes up" cartoons. I lingered, smelling his golden head, watching his lips move like he was giving instructions even in his sleep. He slept in his own bed most of the night, but just like God designed us, he longed for the warmth of the presence of someone he loved.

My Dad is a Police and Fire Chaplain in South Seattle. He has taught me a lot about the "ministry of presence". He is really great at his job. Over seven years, he has earned the trust of those he serves just by being there. Consistently. He attends training nights, regularly rides along, gives wisdom and insight only when asked and otherwise is just there with them.

Talking with him in the course of his years of trauma scenes, death notifications, CPR in progress calls, etc, I asked him how he does his job, REALLY. I am a talker. I love to encourage and to support and to pray and to fill up space with words, on the paper or in the air...

Dad, he is not. He is present. He told me he sees his job is to bring Christ into whatever situation he is called to be in. He is very aware, because of his personal relationship with Jesus, and the presence of the Holy Spirit in him, wherever he goes, God is there. His ministry is presence. He is there. People's lives have been touched because my Dad shows up. His faithfulness, loyalty and reliability goes beyond his calling as chaplain, it is his character.

This morning, the activities of the day had to wait for a little bit longer, so my son could be in my presence. He came in to our room early this morning seeking it. When he found it, he rested in it. I need to do that with God. Seek Him out (it's not like I have to look far, He's always with me) and rest in His presence.

Now, sitting at my kitchen table, typing away, getting ready to clean the dish-full sink, make lunch, run some loads of laundry, and tuck my fella in for his nap, I am still resting. I will rest while I go about the daily things, paying attention to God's presence and the presence of the fellas that share my space. Like my Dad taught me to, by his example. I pray my boys will not only be able to work hard, but also to rest. They are watching me.

D words

Discouragement, Delight, Despair, Dynamite, Delicious, Depressed, Disgusted, Distracted, Dynamic, Delivered, Denial, the list could keep going... but I will stop there.

I am struggling. I am not going to lie.

I also find myself pushing back at the negative D words with the positive ones. Will this past week go Down in our family history as the week we spent together Delightfully tucked into our comfy warm home recovering from the flu bug of the moment, or will it become another marker on my long line of Depressed events where I leaned on food instead of God?

I won't know until I reach the end of this week, but for today, I will pick Dynamic for my word, rolling with the challenges, accomplishing the necessary and the neglected tasks, Drinking my water, and loving on the ones who need me.