Making Peace...

We got into it today. Me and my Love. It was such a bummer for both of us. He was hurting and so was I. Both of us communicating the best we could amidst the little eyes and repeated questions of our sweet kids trying to figure out what the problem was.

I left, crying, to get to an appointment and he walked back in the house, heart hurting to attend to our fellas.

I hate it when that happens. Conflict is a fact of our lives, and it always hurts! We work hard to be honest, not interrupt each other, and never call each other names.

I made it to my appointment, gleaned some insight from an older and wiser friend, received some prayer and headed for home looking forward to making peace. When I arrived, he was not in the same mood.

We tip-toed around each other trying to be civil but not doing a great job of it. He headed off to run some errands and I completed a task he had asked me to do a couple of weeks ago that I put off, thinking it wasn't that big of a deal. It was.

I informed him before he left that I would be trying to find a last minute sitter so we could grab some dinner and work out our stuff on neutral ground where no one was likely to lose their temper. He said the equivalent of "fine".

So, sitter in place, boys contentedly enjoying their dinner and one of their favorite babysitters to chat with, we headed out. I could feel the peace once we settled into conversation about where to go for dinner and what birthday gift we were going to choose for our soon to be five year old. Appetizer ordered and drinks on the table, I plunged in.

I asked him if he was interested in hearing the wisdom I received concerning our situation. Knowing the trusted source of the wisdom, he agreed. I shared with him what was on my heart and the wisdom I had been given from my friend. He paused and agreed, that could be the issue. We talked a bit more about our afternoon's issue and again, peace reigned in the conversation.

It is amazing what a change of focus, location, and some time can do to bring two hurting people together, back into the connection we have enjoyed for over 19 years.

Our God joined us all day. He saw every angle, He heard our heart's cries before they were even uttered, and He knew only His peace would change our hurt into companionship. He loves us. He loves our marriage. He sees every flaw in both of us and He knows what it will take to draw us into deeper relationship with Him and each other.

Making peace is about choosing to love. Choosing to love when it is painful, inconvenient, and expensive is something God knows well. He has to teach us, one event, issue, and circumstance at a time. We can choose to love or not. We can choose to let Him make peace in us and for us. It starts with being willing. Are you willing? Today I was. He made peace for us. Thank you Lord.

Pain of loss...

"There are no words."

That is what my friend posted after spending hours beside a grieving friend whose 18 year old son has just been released from this life into Heaven.

I am heartbroken as well.

We must love those who God has given to us.

Many have prayed, many have cried, and many have provided love, comfort, food, etc.

I love Zephaniah 3:17

 The LORD your God is with you,
       he is mighty to save.
       He will take great delight in you,
       he will quiet you with his love,
       he will rejoice over you with singing." 

 He does this for all of us. He knows what we need and when we need it.


I am overtired, eating unwisely, and emotionally sensitive/shut down, depending on the moment. I need this tonight. I will personalize this for me and I pray you read it to yourself and receive it for you too if this is what you need...

"the LORD my God is with me (every where I am),
He is might to save me (from myself and other circumstances and situations that are not needed to grow me into the woman He created me to be).
He takes great delight in me, (even when I don't do things right or well),
He quiets my anxiety/fears/concerns with His unending forever faithful love,
He rejoices over me with singing (so my heart, mind, and body can rest in the sound of His eternal voice)."

LORD, I receive Your plan, Your presence, and Your truth for me, regardless of how I feel, and how much I "medicated" with food today. Thank You for always hearing and knowing my heart. Thank You for Your provision for laughter and joy with my boys today. Forgive me for not accepting Your provision for me emotionally and providing for myself food for comfort. Thank You for forgiving me. I pray I will do better tomorrow. I love you Lord. Thank You!
Amen.

Repentance

My last words to my sons tonight as I tucked them in were of repentance.

You see, today was one of those days where I felt like I was slogging through mud. Emotionally, mentally and physically "thick", and not sure how to fix it either.

I yelled instead of following through with any or all necessary consequences. I was impatient and irritated with childish behavior. I had moments of encouragement for them, but mostly I was just grumpy.

So, I prayed. In front of them. I was tempted to turn off the lights and pray in the dark but I felt like that would be hiding from the truth. The truth is - I bombed as a mom today. When I prayed, I asked God to forgive me for all the mistakes I made as a mom today. I listed as many as I could think of. I then thanked Him for forgiving me and we went on with our usual prayers and singing time.

Then before I left the room, I asked them individually if they would forgive me for not doing what I knew God wanted me to do as a good mom. They graciously forgave me. Again.

I really want to do this "mommy thing" right. It really is a moving target. God is doing amazing things in them right now and I want to be with them for every precious moment.

A dear friend lost her son tonight. Someday my son will find himself in the arms of his Savior too. I have no idea when that will be. Regardless, I want to obey my God in how He has asked me to parent my sons, while they are in my care.

Thank you Lord, for the gift of repentance and the greater gift of Your forgiveness.

Ouch!

I am not only physically pushing myself beyond anything I have done before, I am finding myself stunned at the level of emotional exhaustion I am living in this week.

This season of my life, keeping my eyes on my Lord, being attentive in my marriage, raising 3 boys that are 6, 4, and 2, starting a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group at my church in September, and training for this triathlon is expensive. The price I am paying daily is worth every bit of effort, energy and enthusiasm.

My season right now is about coming alive. Moving from surviving to thriving. I have said that before. But it's not just about me. It never is. We are all designed to be in this life together. So it is about me thriving, so my marriage, my sons, the single, married, working or stay-at-home moms that come to our MOPS group, and those who are cheering me on in my triathlon endeavor can thrive too.

I think we often forget how important we are to each other. What affects me affects you, whether you live 2 miles from me or 2,000 miles away. God made us that way. We need each other. Every choice we make to slack off or push through or bust out, or break down affects those around us.

Today, as I was crying while a friend validated how tired I am and how hard I am working, I was reminded again - I am not doing this alone or for myself alone.

I am doing this because:
1) God put it on my heart over 20 years ago,
2) He said NOW is the time,
3) my husband agreed to support my challenge
4) I have friends who are cheering me on when I seriously can barely get out of bed (emotionally or physically), and finally
5) I WANT TO!! I want to push myself beyond what seems intelligent for a woman of my weight and age. I want to work hard for something I can do all the way to the finish line ('cause you know, dishes and laundry don't work like that...).

So, as I sit here with every muscle - especially my booty that worked extra hard today on my bike ride and run, aching, and exhausted, I am thankful for the pain, the challenge and the victory all over again!

Yes, the victory. It is in the bag my friends. I will cross the finish line. I will do this. One day, one hour, one minute at a time!

Approaching Exhaustion

I am so tired! I know people say that all the time and we all have our reasons. I know mine is a combination of little boys awake in the night or super early morning, an increase in my training regimen, and a decrease in my attentiveness to eating the super healthy good stuff that fuels my body for performance not just basic function.

Yes, I have been slacking on the fruits and veggies, the lean meats, the whole grains. Toying around with sugar, white flour and fruit juice instead of the real thing, and it is getting me no where. Fast.

So, today, approaching exhaustion, I don't want to cave to it all together! I am jumping back into the fit and healthy place so my body doesn't decide to shut down and get sick or worse - injured.

I am also reminded that I am fueling my head and heart as well. As I felt myself approaching exhaustion today I found my self talk becoming more and more negative and defeated. I reached out to my earthly "coach" Tarri for a pep text and she was there, faithfully reminding me to hang on.

Once I returned to my home, I knew I needed to get fuel from my Heavenly Coach and so I put on the worship music loud and got busy attending to the dishes, floors and other stuff in my house that needs attention. The boys are happily playing downstairs and it seems God has parted a way to refresh me in the midst of the activities of my life.

Many times when I approach exhaustion, I let the mental break down - like the body is threatening to do. I end up surfing the sofa, flipping channels or staring at the computer wondering what interesting nonsense I can post when my brain feels flat-lined.

Not today.
Today I reached out.
I reached up.
I got up and now, after posting this I will continue attending to the housework and the little people that need me knowing that exhaustion will retreat as I fuel myself with the things that bless my body, heart and mind.

One minute at a time

Some days are just like that.

With some of these workouts I am doing, I start them thinking, "sure, I can do this, I can do anything for thirty minutes, its not that long. I can waste that much time without thinking about it."

And then I start my workout. I walk for the first 5 minutes then jog a minute then walk a minute then jog a minute then stop and do a quick stretch and then I do the interval training. My training program started with run for one then walk one then run two then walk one then run three and walk one then run four then walk one then run five and walk one and TODAY was run six minutes then walk one. For thirty minutes. Sure. No big deal right? YEAH. Duh! I am still at 275lbs. Moving that weight on the treadmill, after biking 12 miles yesterday, was so hard! I made it through the first six minutes without too much trouble. The second (set - I call them that to make them seem more do-able) six minutes was really hard, I could feel every part of my body aching and groaning with the effort. The walking minute between the second and third six minute set was like a blink. I started rationalizing in my head that I could turn the speed down and go a little slower.

But, because I haven't shortened one workout yet. I have set my goals and I plan to achieve them regardless of my comfort at the time, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I HAD to just finish. I had two minutes left on my final six minute run when I made myself look out the window at the gym and RELAX. You see, even though I am in pain, I want to be present in the moment, not just be in a hurry to get it over with. I was in pain, dripping sweat into my eyes bad enough to make them burn, and feeling my heart pounding in my chest. The music playing on my ipod was One Thing by Rich Mullins. If you listen to it you will get into that place where I was, the moment, feet striking the treadmill with purpose, sweat dripping from everywhere, heart pounding out it's beat, mind focused on the PURPOSE of this whole event. Becoming ALL God created me to be.

If we are in the process of that, with goals HE set before us, we KNOW we can do whatever He asks. It is His will. It is His heart for us. It is a moment in time to celebrate the life He has given us. My childhood friend posted on my FB profile "It's not pain, it's a reminder you are still able and alive." I completely agree.

Every kind of pain has it's purpose. Do we let it change and shape us into people who love more, serve more, give more? Or do we allow our pain to wall us away from life, from loving, from serving, from giving. If you are not allowing your pain to change, shape and grow you into who you KNOW you were destined to be I encourage you to take a look at this:

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - Jesus (John 10:10)

If there is loss, destruction and theft happening to your joy, peace, kindness, generosity, etc. I would suggest that the Thief is at work. The only way to change this - Ask Jesus to come into your life and give you life - the full life He has for you.

One minute could change your life. Pray, to the One who designed you for greatness, for goodness, for generosity and joy. He loves you. He wants you to be free to live. Just take a minute. Ask. He will answer.

Getting Ready

This past month or so I have begun to prepare my body for the triathlon I have always wanted to do.

I have experienced a huge amount of emotions and such leading up to the big day.

Today I find myself excited and a little anxious about the 12 mile bike ride that I am going on in a few hours. In the gym I can do the stationary bike for about 30 minutes and do about 20+mph. However, on the road bike, I am a LITTLE more cautious about speed and such. I want to ride relaxed like I am learning to breathe and swim. But I can't seem to get past the constant focus on my numb and pained (how that can happen at the same time I have yet to figure out, and yet it does!!) booty to enjoy the ride. In the gym I put on music and worship and pray, on the bike outside I try to look at the scenery, breathe in the fresh air and such.

I want to push past the discomfort for the joy set before me - the completion of a task well done. Today's scripture I got from 411God seemed very appropriate.

Isaiah 35:5-6
5 And when He comes, He will open the eyes of the blind
      and unplug the ears of the deaf.
 6 The lame will leap like a deer,
      and those who cannot speak will sing for joy!
   Springs will gush forth in the wilderness,
      and streams will water the wasteland.

In Isaiah "He" hadn't come yet. It is referencing Jesus Christ. Well, He did come. He has done all of the above and more.

Please indulge my personalization of scripture (something I highly recommend!):

And since He has come,

He will open my eyes to see the beauty of His creation

He will open my hears so all I can hear is HIS voice saying "YOU can do THIS!"

My rear will be strengthened by Him, pushing the pedals and balancing my body

to accomplish the athletic endeavor placed before me.

The water I need for hydration will be abundant and I will not fall of my bike trying to get my water bottle out of it's cage. 

There will be enough energy to achieve my goals because God says so!

Ok, so it isn't a literal translation into direct personalization, but that is what my heart heard when I read those verses.

I will let you know how it goes!