It has been a week since I have been to the gym.
I have however, practiced eating like crap, being careful about what I put in my mouth, and then, retreating to my old ways, eating like crap again.
I hate that! I continue to ask the Lord, "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?" as if there is something hideously wrong with me that prevents me from putting healthy life affirming food in my mouth instead of processed sugar and flour products.
He hears me, He understands me, and His grace is sufficient for me. He sent me an angel yesterday. Her name is Jennifer.
Now before you close this, believing your worst fears are true, that I have made up an imaginary friend to survive this trip to health and wellness, I assure you she is very real.
I shared in my Tuesday morning Bible study that I felt like the Lord was asking me to make Him Lord (Adonai - Lord and Master) over every bite I put in my mouth. He is not Lord in this area of my life. I know this because almost every single time He asks me to stop eating, or not to eat "that", I disobey. Nice huh?
The woman who "obeyed" herself into completing a triathlon still hasn't managed to "obey" herself into eating right.
As I shared my struggle with eating right I locked eyes with another woman in the room. I smiled and finished what I had to say. Later, as I was walking out of class, she stopped me. She said she felt like the Lord wanted her to tell me what she was doing in that area of weight loss. Her name is Jennifer.
I looked at the thin, lovely, kind woman in front of me and thought, "I wonder what she's selling, which healthy weight loss product is going to 'help' me according to her." I tried to focus on what she was saying instead of anticipating the sales pitch I have heard a zillion times from a zillion people. Except she didn't.
She told me how she had submitted her eating to the Lord. She told me of a heart condition she has that ANY extra weight she carries can be VERY harmful. She told me that when she is eating something she doesn't really want to eat but is good for her, or she passes on something that she wants to eat but shouldn't, she offers it to the Lord. She says, "I don't want to do this, but this is for YOU God." She chooses to see it as a sacrificial offering to her God.
I could see by the clarity in her eyes and the peace in her countenance that she truly has walked this road for God's glory. She wasn't trying to gain anything from me, but rather give, freely and openly, what God had given her. My eyes welled up with tears and I said "Thank you" at least a dozen times.
There are so many great people out there selling wonderful products whose hearts are in the right place to love and serve others into wellness. But I knew that none of them or the fabulous products they offer me would provide what I REALLY need.
I REALLY need to submit my food consumption to God. Forever.
He has called me to this. He has asked me to give up ownership of myself and call Him Lord in one of the last areas of my life (that I know of thus far) I have not turned over to Him.
As surely as someone may choose to write a deed for their "stuff" to God acknowledging Him as owner, asking Him what to do when His washer or dryer or ? breaks down, I need to see Him as owner of me.
Lord, my ability to choose GOOD healthy life giving food is severely compromised. YOU are God over all of me. In this moment, right now, I submit every bite to You. Because I am Yours, I must listen and obey when You tell me "stop" and "no". Please give me strength to walk this out every day, every bite. Thank You for making provision for support again with someone intimately familiar with my struggle.
This is progress. I have been in the house with a huge bowl of Halloween candy for a day and a half now and not had one bite. I actually have not had sugar since Monday night's candy binge.
I gotta start somewhere! :) Hopefully I can get to the gym on Friday. I really miss that place!!