Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Having been an avid Star Trek:The Next Generation junkie for years, one of my favorite things said by Data, the android character was "Processing..." The robot who could make a zillion calculations per second still had to take a second or two to process.

Me too. And I am not nearly that efficient!

Today I saw the endocrinologist. I have waited about 6 weeks for this appointment.

They measured me, apparently my 5'7" frame has shrunk, since according to the nurse I am 5'5" now, great, as if my Body Mass Indicator needed any MORE help with calling me obese. And today I weighed in at 277.5lbs. I have gained 7.5lbs of my 25lb weight loss back in the past 3 weeks or so. Ugh. Of course I can excuse myself and say, well, I am neck deep in my menstrual cycle feeling bloated and icky, I was wearing jeans and earrings (lol - I am sure they weigh at least 5lbs :), and well, I haven't really worked out hard for 2 weeks.

Excuses and all, honestly, I am eating crappy, not working out the way I want to and not journaling my food like I should be to keep my caloric intake in check. 

I told you, the new me is hear to stay. So what the heck is the deal with the OLD habits running the show?
Will get back to that, but first, what the doc had to say...

He looked at the blood work results that he had done, he asked me a hundred questions or so, and said he was going to do some more in-depth blood tests to rule out a few things, but overall he didn't see any secondary issues behind my being overweight. He actually said that 25lbs of weight loss over 5 months is great.

One of the 100 questions was if I had ever had a consultation about weight loss surgery. I said no, and that I had never really considered it as an option. In my mind, I got myself into this mess and I need to do some good, old fashioned hard work to get back out of it. I asked him if I should be considering it. He told me that with my health being otherwise really good, I had a window to try to lose weight through diet and exercise but it wasn't going to get any easier over time.

I have felt pretty emotional about it ever since. Teetering on tears for hours now, I feel like I have to just let them fall. To help me process my sadness and turmoil, I baked whole wheat, oatmeal chocolate chip and pecan cookies. And I ate several, a few several. Ahhh, can you say meltdown?

My health coach from my insurance company will be reading this at some point. She suggested we focus on the "Stress Management" booklet last week. No doubt. Stress. Yup. I got some of that. In the process of working through the beginning part of the booklet I had to write my low stress vision. This is what I said:

I will function daily with clear purpose, emotional stability, nurturing and nourishing myself and my family with healthy food and activities. I will provide consistent consequences and training for my sons. I will fulfill my destiny to bring encouragement and motivation to others through my writing and through quality healthy relationships. I will be balanced in my personal and family schedule. I will be relaxed, timely in completion of tasks and arriving for events, clear and peaceful directing my sons and with a good balance of rest and activities on my calendar.

Not bad huh? Now how in the HECK to I get there? Well, I haven't read further yet. Will have to let you know later.

But here is the issue for me:

I KNOW my life will look different 2 years from now, just like 2 years ago it looked totally different than today. How long does this transformation, healthy choices healthy living thing take????? Forever as far as I can tell. That does not exactly fill me with hope. It doesn't derail my hope. I just don't feel terribly inspired by that.

What are the roots of these insane drives for using food for comfort, satiating my nerves and my body. The days I eat too much are the days when I feel like there is not enough of me to go around. Why isn't God enough? It isn't like I have barely spent time with Him. I spend hours with Him, every week. Do I lack faith in the transformation He is designing in me? Do I really want to look like I do forever, even if I can lug my huge self through a triathlon?

Why does lap band surgery feel like a cop-out? Why can't I just get down to business and do the work?

As you can tell, I am fresh out of answers, that is why I am processing. Tonight I am hurting over this. Not discouraged, really. Just in pain.

I KNOW this is a life long journey. I know He has called me to step it up and get busy walking in the NEW me. However, I have NO idea how to do that!

I have to start with what I know:
Count my calories
Put good clean food in
Drink my water
Don't get discouraged
Just keep going
Cry if I have to but don't stop making small changes.
Get over myself - dessert may not kill me, but it isn't going to help me either 
Quit leaning on food
Lean more on God

For now, that's all I got. I have been cooped up with the kids for days and desperately need to reconnect with my friend Motivation. Especially since I have 2 little boys who began their pink eye today, so it will be another 4 days of confinement.

Oh Jesus, help me process all of this!


  1. Jennifer, my daughter Buffy had the lap band surgery and if you need to talk to anyone who has had it, let me know. You are NORMAL! We have all lost, gained, lost, gained and it goes on and on. Take it slow and lose it slow. You have a lot on your plate (don't take that literally!!) Accept you are going to have good days and bad days. It will become more good as time goes on. Love ya. Donna

  2. Jennifer, beloved daughter of Al & Sallie and God, Himself...oh, how I wish I could take the issue out of your life...bring the desired conclusion to the story...help with the boys so you could have some more down-time. Instead, I continue to love you, hold you up to our dear Father and ask Him to put on you the full armor He has provided. You will make it. He has healed you. Watching with you as you wait. Love, Mom