I couldn't sleep last night. Too hungry. It was awful. I woke up angry. Angry and Hungry is a bad combo for a stay at home mom with a 5 year old in her bed at 5:45am, a husband who is about to leave town for three days and a busy day ahead.
I got up. I ate. I didn't feel much better because really, I am pretty mad I have to do this at all. Why can't I have some other malfunction? Why do I have to struggle with my weight. I had a friend once tell me, after I told her I was sick of wearing my sin on the outside of my body, that she wouldn't like me as much because I would not be as transparent as I am. I would be to busy hiding some internal sin to be a good friend. Knowing her, she would have loved me anyway, but as one who has struggled all of my adult life, and some in my teen years (crazy for sure now that I look back) with my weight, feeling beautiful, and believing God made me to be beautiful AND healthy seems just out of reach - 140lbs out of reach to be specific.
I have a whole person to lose. It is completely overwhelming. Seem so unreachable. So impossible. So SELFISH. Both what has led me to this point and what I feel now. I feel SELFISH now for spending so much time focusing on my weight, my workouts, making my family eat super healthy (as if that could be bad - seriously ridiculous!), spending the grocery budget not on "fun" stuff but on GOOD body fuel stuff. That mind set is quickly fading away and what is remaining is the SELFISH part of allowing myself to get this way. I am not really sure how it happened. I can blame it on hormones, on the pill, off the pill, whatever. I can blame it on 4 pregnancies in 6 years. Lots of practice eating for two... ;). Or I can just quit blaming anything. Accept it. And MOVE ON!
This song changed my day today. It came up on my ipod at the end of my workout today. God used it. I pray He speaks to you through it right now. Take the 4 minutes and let it minister to you:
Here is a YouTube video of the song and the lyrics. It is pretty powerful.
The lyrics to that song are amazing. A few lines really stood out to me:
"Take a walk into today and don't let your past get in the way" It is hard when every time I look in the mirror I see what hundreds of "yesterdays" have accumulated into. BUT If I don't walk into today and I stay STUCK in the mirror, then where will I be? History.
And then what I think is called the "bridge" in the song:
Every word you are saying
Every prayer you are praying
Every chain you are breaking
History is in the making.
I have to remember that this is bigger than me. I am breaking down old habits of my own, retraining my children how to eat, modifying the diet of the man I want to live with till death do us part over 90! I am breaking away from generations of self-loathing and self-defeat. I am cutting free from the biggest source of "self-comfort" in my life. The history I want to leave behind from this day on is a legacy of LIFE GIVING choices that draw myself, my family, and the people God puts in our path into the abundant Life that comes from abandoning your vices and diving into a relationship with Jesus Christ.
"So leave it all behind you
But let it always remind you of the day
The day that Love made history."
Jesus died for my sins. All of them. Every day. He made history when he hung there on that cross. He has forgiven me because I asked Him to. Who am I to hold on to it if He has let it go?
Going to bed now. Receive Him. His forgiveness. Let it go. Every day. He has.
AND HE WILL NEVER LET YOU GO.
((Hugs)) I will be back tomorrow. Hang in there!